Browns Camp: Group Therapy Edition (humor)

As part of the NFL’s continuing mission to improve the public images of their players and to prevent further national embarrassment, the league has recently mandated group counseling sessions for all 32 teams.

Although the NFL’s new wellness policy prohibits the release of confidential information based on these sessions, a Cleveland Reboot intern managed to sneak a rather cumbersome 1980’s style tape recorder and microphone into Shaun Smith’s buttocks.

The following is a transcript of the session featuring several prominent Browns players.

Therapist
I am hoping that this session will benefit all of you. I want to stress that this is a safe zone...please do not feel inhibited in your responses.

Brady Quinn
Are you hitting on me?

Therapist
You must be Brady. I have heard a lot about you. Let’s start with you, Eric. You’re assuming a lot of responsibility this year. Would you like to share your feelings with the group?

Eric Mangini
(Silence)

Therapist
Eric, you must remember that this is a safe zone. There is no need to shut away your emotions here. Surely, you must have some worries regarding the upcoming season.

Eric Mangini
(Silence)

Shaun Smith
He thinks you’re wearing a wire.

Therapist
Why, I can assure all of you that what is said within these walls is strictly confidential.

Ryan Tucker
Take off your shirt and prove it.

Therapist
I don’t believe that is necessary. It is crucial to the process for us to establish trust amongst each other.

Brady Quinn
Is it pose down time? Boom!
(Quinn’s shirt flies across the room)

Ryan Tucker
(Instantly Enraged)
Take off your shirt and prove it!! I’ll take it off for you!!

Therapist
Please! This is not acceptable behavior!

(Tucker rips the therapist’s shirt off, exposing nothing but a pasty white chest.)

Brady Quinn
Dude, that’s weak.

Therapist
I am very disappointed in this display of behavior. It looks like we have some serious work to do here.

Braylon Edwards
Here’s your shirt back, Doc...

(Braylon drops the Therapist’s shirt on the floor.)

Braylon Edwards
…Oops. Here you go.

Brady Quinn
Bring a case of EAS to Gold’s Gym and I’ll get your pecs blasted in no time.

Therapist
Okay, let us put that ugly episode behind us. Now, Eric…I have proven to you that all information exchanged in this session is strictly confidential. Now, please share with the group your feelings regarding the upcoming season.

Eric Mangini
No comment.

Kamerion Wimbley
Hey, everybody. Sorry I’m late.

(Kamerion Wimbley attempts to sit in the last open chair, but instead continually runs past it.)

Therapist
What is the matter?

Shaun Smith
That’s the only way he knows.

(Eric Mangini scowls.)

Therapist
Hmmm. Eric, do Kamerion’s actions upset you?

Eric Mangini
(Silence)

Therapist
Okay, we’ll come back to you, Eric. How about you, Braylon? In the off-season, your name was being floated around in trades. How did that make you feel?

Braylon
It’s cool. It’s just a business. Plus, I –

(Braylon begins to sob.)

Therapist
It’s okay to cry, Braylon. Let it all out.

(Ryan Tucker begins to rifle through the therapist’s desk drawers.)

Therapist
Excuse me, Ryan. What is it you are looking for? I consider what you are doing as a violation of my personal space.

Ryan Tucker
(Grabbing random handfuls of sample medication)
I don’t know what these are, but they should work.

Brady Quinn
(Embraces a still crying Braylon)
It’s okay, buddy. It will be all right.

Braylon Edwards
Damn, Brady. Put your shirt back on.

(Brady begins to flex his arm muscles, but in doing so, his clench tightens. Braylon starts gasping for air.)

Braylon Edwards
You’re choking me –

(Shaun Smith leaps up from his chair and bull rushes Quinn, knocking him to the ground. Smith then proceeds to sit on Quinn. Ryan Tucker breaks down the door and exits. Kamerion Wimbley continues to repeatedly rush past his chair. Meanwhile, Eric Mangini placidly watches the events, then turns to the therapist.)

Eric Mangini
Where should I begin?

By Cleveland Reboot
Blogger/SJ Contributing Author
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