2009 Fantasy Football Can't Miss Predictions

With almost half the teams trading coaches, an up-and-down draft and some marquee trades, this year should be as crazy as ever. After consulting with the Great Karnac, I am here to reveal tomorrow’s headlines today:

After sidelining Vince Young and destroying Favre’s legacy over the last two years, Madden will seek to diffuse the “curse” talk by placing two players on the cover: Larry Fitzgerald and Troy Polumalu.

By attempting to deny the evil it’s victim, the two players’ fates will become combined with an injury to one impacting the other. Fitzgerald will pull a groin in week six against Seattle, and Polumalu will limp to the sidelines vs the Browns.

Conversely, later against the Ravens, Polumalu will move up and go head to head vs. Ray Rice, giving Fitzgerald a concussion that will sit him down vs. the Titans. 

Jessica Simpson’s weight will be the new indicator of Cowboys' success. Similar to the Groundhog Day's Punxsutawny Phil, if Jessica is wearing Daisy Dukes we’ll get four bad weeks of Romo. If she’s in her “mom” jeans, we’ll get four good weeks from Romo.

After not reaching a more lucrative deal with the Cardinals, Anquan Boldin will spend the rest of the year taking it out on other people: tipping 10 percent at restaurants, making change in the collection plate at church, and paying the lawn guy with licensed gear.

By Week Four, Fred Taylor will be nursing a high ankle sprain that runs all the way from his heel to his man purse, forcing him to miss ten games. Considers sponsorship offer from Vagisil.

Kerry Collins will be knocked out of the home stand against the Ravens, and Vince Young will come in to replace him.

Poorly.

The following week, Collins will be unable to return, and the Titans will have to go to their third-team quarterback as Young will be out with “hurt feelings."  Young’s mom, when reached for commentary, will say that Tennessee should be nicer to Vince.

He’s a good boy and sensitive.

JaMarcus Russell will be big in 2009. Like, huge. Over 280 pounds.

I’m saying he’ll be fat.

The Vikings will reach 10 wins relying on their o-line and rushing attack over Brett Favre’s arm, which is good because the repaired arm is connected to his shoulder, which is connected to his neck, which is connected to his head, which has been making some really bad decisions.

Like coming back. 

After whining his way out of Denver, Jay Cutler will openly push for Lovie Smith to cut all of the other quarterbacks on the roster and use a punter as the No. 2 QB.

A fan will catch the emotionally charged exchange on their iPhone: “How can you expect me to complete passes to these scrub receivers when I have Caleb Hanie and Brett Basanez breathing down my neck?! This is a hostile work environment Lovie! My feelings are hurt. Hurt, you hear me. Let’s do this and hug it out.”

Matty “Ice” will follow up last years’ Cool Hand Luke performance, but making the label turn blue on his Coors bottle.

Whooooo. That guy has ice water in his veins!

With his dazzling speed and athleticism, Darrius “Hey-Bey” will do something to take fantasy players’ breaths away, like going 1-for-8 for five yards receiving, 0 TDs and rushing for -1 yards.

Jim Schwartz, known for his defensive mind, will become far more defensive as the Lions’ head coach when he has to explain the 0-6 start.