20 Crazy Things Twitter Taught Us About Athletes This Summer

As we all know, Twitter is more than a dumping ground for spectacularly unfunny quips and strangers anonymously saying unforgivably mean things to other strangers. It’s also a place where athletes and celebrities say mostly inane things and we all listen. 

That’s not to say everything athletes have to say on Twitter is inane—it’s not. Thankfully for every 10 “Rise ’n Grind!!!” tweets, there’s something legitimately interesting and/or entertaining to make reading all the rest (almost) worthwhile. 

So far this summer, there have been at least 20 crazy things we learned about athletes that has made Twitter more fun. And here they are. 

Jose Canseco Is Crazy...Obsessively...in Love

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@JoseCanseco: I Can fit my hands around my fiancé @ModelLeila waist and touch my hands together . Huge hands and small waist much??

@JoseCanseco: I love my girl @ModelLeila  more than a dung beetle loves poop

@JoseCanseco: So glad I get to see my girl @ModelLeila soon . Dying without her

@JoseCanseco: Leila is my tuttle love forever

@JoseCanseco: Poop I want to come home ! I miss u ! @ModelLeila

@JoseCanseco: I miss my sunshine bunny and cant wait to c her @ModelLeila

@JoseCanseco: Going home for my bday to see the love of my life leila knight @ModelLeila

First of all, huge hands and small waist much? Good Lord, it’s a good thing Jose Canseco used to be good at baseball because his career options outside of sports would’ve been seriously limited. Unless stalker is a paid position—all but the first tweet were from the very same day. 

Metta World Peace Announces Another Name Change

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@MettaWorldPeace: New Chinese name coming soon. You guys are going to love it!!!!

@MettaWorldPeace: Guys my chinese name is not “Panda Friend,” it’s “The Pandas Friend.”

He may not have a job in the NBA, but that doesn’t mean Metta World Peace can’t still make headlines from a world away. One would like to disregard his potential new name change as all talk, but the artist formerly known as Ron Artest has pulled the trigger once before. 

Tony Sanchez's Teammates Have Unforgivably Bad Taste in Music

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@Tony26Montana: What's worse, a teammate trying to play Nickelback in the clubhouse or not knowing who sings Yellow Submarine?

Pirates catcher Tony Sanchez recently revealed that one of his teammates is thinking of forming a Nickelback cover band, while another doesn’t seem to know who the Beatles are. Unfortunately, he didn’t name names. 

Arian Foster Really Thinks He’s Got It Rough

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@ArianFoster: When you don't give them what they want or expect, they chastise you. Don't put me in your little athlete box. #Staysuckafree

@Arian Foster: Media is full of propaganda and you're subjected to their agenda. Don't let them think for you. #staysuckafree[peace sign emoji]

Texans running back Arian Foster fancies himself as an intellectual type who is, or at the very least should be, above some of the basic functions of his job. Like interacting with the media. It must be so hard to be him. 

MLB Players Get Their Trade News from Twitter, Too

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@Tony26Montana: Too scared to close my twitter and miss when trade news breaks.

Pirates catcher Tony Sanchez recently revealed that ballplayers don’t have much more inside information than the rest of us, especially at the trade deadline. Looks like we were all glued to Twitter on July 31—some a little too glued. 

Tom Crabtree Really Needs to Move

@itsCrab: Time for another edition of "What the Hell Kind of Spider is this and Why is this Happening to Me God?"

@itsCrab: But seriously.....what's going on right now?

@itsCrab: My first question: what kind of spider is this? Second: how do you recommend i destroy the house?

Free agent tight end Tom Crabtree has got a really horrifying spider problem in and around his house. He tweets occasional updates, all with photographic evidence, each generally more horrifying than the last. Yikes. 

Joel Embiid Speaks Untranslatable French

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@JoelEmbiid: I might as well tweet in my third language but I don’t know how to spell it..... Gonna try

@JoelEmbiid: Les voila ils sont perdu lmao [five crying laughing emojis]

@JoelEmbiid: Mes Francais, camerounais ca djoss quoi?

@JoelEmbiid: Tweeting in French that can’t be translated so I’m the only one in my own world knowing the meaning.

Sixers rookie Joel Embiid is already a Twitter all-star—already a more entertaining follow than the whole Philadelphia team last season. Entertaining in at least three languages. 

Tony Jefferson Is Kind of a Menace

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@tonyjefferson1: Lol prank calling my teammates rooms and they're getting pissed. Lol

@tonyjefferson1: Randomly turned on my read receipts to piss off my friends. So funny they try to talk about something important I just read & don't reply lol

Shane Loux Feels Judged, Judges

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@shaneloux: We went to @WholeFoods today and didn't bring our own reusable bags. I'm pretty sure we are never allowed back.

@shaneloux: What I learned about myself: I trust a person with a big truck and small house way more that a person with a big house and small car.

MLB pitcher Shane Loux has felt the shame every Whole Foods shopper has experienced at least once by not following their ridiculous protocol. As if paying $18 for a big cup of fruit salad wasn’t painful enough. At least he pays it forward though, by judging people with small cars.

Jared Odrick Wants You to Want Him for His Mind

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@JaredOdrick: One of the only things I dislike about my profession is that it’s almost always a surprise that I say anything intelligent.

@JaredOdrick: The easier it becomes technologically, the harder it becomes to be human

@JaredOdrick: If you should never meet your heroes, you should never follow them on Instagram

Dolphins defensive tackle Jared Odrick wishes you appreciated his beauty as well as his brains. And I think you should too, because he’s spot on about technology and following your heroes on Instagram. 

Golden Tate Hasn’t Mastered the Art Of…Chewing

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@ShowtimeTate: Dang it. Every time I chew juicy fruit I try to chew to fast and bite my tongue [surgical mask face emoji, cold sweat crying emoji] 

Lions wide receiver Golden Tate may have some sweet moves and soft hands on the football field, just don’t give him a piece of gum on the sideline. 

Jose Canseco a Science Nut

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@JoseCanseco: Ancient piranhas had a bite force of 50 pounds their body weight.  a world record. they are also a aphrodisiac in soup. 

A science nut, but not a stickler for details. Retired slugger Jose Canseco actually tweets a lot of really random stuff like this. I have no idea if he’s completely making it up or failing spectacularly at relaying information he’s seen on television. I’m leaning towards the latter. 

Shane Larkin Shoulders Drake’s ESPYs Failures

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@ShaneLarkin_3: As a lightskin male myself I am disappointed in Drakes at ions lol we do not exemplify those levels of thirst.. Now back tot he program. [disgruntled sad face emoji]

As a fellow light-skinned black man, Knicks point guard Shane Larkin felt the many failures of Drake as he slowly and steadily slid into the gutter as host of the ESPYs this year. I’m a white woman and was intensely pained by Drake’s performance, so I can’t even imagine what Larkin experienced. 

Cody Latimer Is Really Feeling the Grind

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@CodyLatimer14: I love waking up and grinding everyday….Especially when my bros are up grinding with me

@CodyLatimer14: Embrace the grind!!!!

Most athletes on Twitter tweet regularly about “the grind,” but something about Broncos rookie wide receiver Cody Latimer’s grinding is more entertaining than the rest. Nothing like grinding with your bros first thing in the morning. 

Paul Bissonnette Will Manage Your Finances

Christian Petersen/Getty Images

@SBennett93: First NHL contract….Am I dreaming!?! instagram.com/p/q4wCS5LzGF/ 

@BizNasty2point0: Buy an Escalade then throw the rest in Bitcoins @Sbennett93. #Mentor

Poorly. NHL free agent Paul Bissonnette will manage your finances poorly. 

Julian Vandervelde Is a Dessert Innovator

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@BatMandervelde: If this ain't grilling weather I don't know what is. And yes, that's whiskey soaked pineapple going on for dessert.

Eagles offensive lineman Julian Vandervelde, who I follow on Twitter, had whiskey soaked pineapple for dessert on July 3rd. I had whiskey-soaked pineapple for lunch, dinner and a late-night snack on July Fourth. 

Unfortunately Twitpics can’t be posted here, but you are encouraged to take a gander at the alcoholic fruit here, on Twitter proper. 

Donte Greene Knows You’re Stalking Him

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@dontegreeneCOS: Wen she lurking on ya page and hit a “like” button by mistake…. [two staring eyeball emojis] smh don’t try and hit unlike lol

Free-agent forward Donte Greene is on to you, ladies. So when you’re creeping on him online after a few white wines, just own it. 

David Price Was Worried About Being the New Kid

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@DAVIDprice14: I feel like I’m on my way to my first day of high school!! Nervous but yet excited…new chapter 

@DAVIDprice14: Clubhouse looks like the red carpet at the espys!! Sick suits and gangster watches!! I look like I bought my clothes from dollar general [dejected sad face emoji]

He may be a MLB superstar, but pitching ace David Price had some serious first- and second-day jitters after being traded from Tampa to Detroit. Don’t worry though, he’ll be OK. Someone let Price know he can probably afford some new duds. 

Darnell Dockett Doesn’t Like Attention

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@ddockett: People say I like attention. [slant semi-smile emoji] nah, but I guess telling people the real and speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts seeks the attention. [slant semi-smile emoji] 

As an enthusiastic follower of Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett on Twitter, I’m absolutely positive he likes attention. The fact that he gets plenty of it by telling people the real is just an added bonus. 

Joel Embiid Doesn’t Kiss and Tell…Unless

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@JoelEmbiid: If I’m with a girl, y’all will never know…..Well maybe y’all are gonna know about it if she is a 10 or 11. Nevermind y’all WON’T #Sorry 

Sixers rookie Joel Embiid shares a lot on Twitter, but he’s not going to overshare about his love life…unless the girl is crazy hot…but even then he probably won’t…unless he does…which he probably will.