Vernon Davis Stars as 'Captain Torpedo' in Ridiculous Movie Teaser

Captain Torpedo, defender of the weak and sworn enemy of all evildoers on the seven seas, is here to save the day.

Or something like that.

After teasing Twitter followers for the last week, San Francisco 49ers tight end Vernon Davis finally dropped a "leaked scene" of Captain Torpedo, a "short superhero action-comedy" made by French Mustache, a comedy production company.

Assuming the role of none other than the captain himself, Davis shows off his Marlon Brando-esque acting chops as he stares down archenemy Shmokov, a Canadian-born warlord responsible for the callous slaughtering of Torpedo Boy.

Shmokov must be brought to justice, but he has entrapped the good captain in seaweed kryptonite. All our hero can do is mock Shmokov's inconsistent dialect, which turns out to be a bad idea.

We must assume that Captain Torpedo wanted to be killed. Like a Jedi, murdering the captain only makes him come back stronger. It’s either that, or Davis is toeing the Quentin Tarantino line and deliberately showing us the dark ending first.

I refuse to accept that we’ve seen the last of Captain Torpedo.

If you can’t forgive Davis for his brief holdout after watching him take a bullet from a Canadian with a Russian-German accent who wears an American bomber jacket, well, your life path is a cold, humorless walk indeed.

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