Tennessee Titan LenDale White Begins New Diet, Gains Seventeen Pounds (Satire)

Still smarting from a critical fumble in a playoff loss last January, and hoping to be seen as more than just a short-yardage runner, Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White began a self-imposed regimen of diet and exercise last week and promptly put on seventeen pounds. 

Never known for cutting back, either on the field or in the buffet line, the portly player was asked how the extra weight might have been acquired.

“It’s all this new muscle mass, baby!” White said between bites of turkey leg. “Hey, check out these guns!”

Team trainers were less impressed with the rotund runners’ new eating habits.

“All I can say,” long-time assistant trainer Earl Franks chuckled, “is that if LenDale keeps dieting like this, I’m going to have to let out his pants by August.”

Even Titans head coach Jeff Fisher seemed a bit skeptical of his running back’s new training program, going so far as to imply that the whale-like White might be responsible for the team’s mixed-breed terrier and unofficial mascot, “Lucky,” going missing.

“I hate to accuse anyone,” said the mustachioed field manager, “but no one else on the team has ever left a trail of dog biscuits leading to their locker. And he does love Korean food.”

“He really said that?” asked White while wiping his greasy mouth with a bath towel. “But I loved that dog! In fact, I think the team should chip in and get another one.”

“Or maybe three.”

“And a llama.”