Phil Jackson Resigns as Lakers Coach To Take Clippers Job (Satire)

Richard ZowieCorrespondent IJune 16, 2009

ORLANDO, FL - JUNE 14:  Head coach Phil Jackson of the Los Angeles Lakers holds up the Larry O'Brien trophy after the Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic 99-86 in Game Five of the 2009 NBA Finals on June 14, 2009 at Amway Arena in Orlando, Florida.  NOTE TO USER:  User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Saying he needs the "ultimate" challenge and is tired of the criticism he's received of being "overrated", Los Angeles Lakers head coach Phil Jackson has resigned as the Lakers coach to move on a job that will establish himself as the greatest coach in NBA history.

The job won't require him to sell his house or even move across town: he'll become the head coach of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Goodbye, purple and gold, NBA dynasties and Jack Nicholson, hello red and blue, NBA joke and Pauly Shore.

Mike Dunleavy Senior will step down as Clippers head coach but will retain the general manager position.

Even though I've now won 10 NBA titles as a head coach--six with the Chicago Bulls and four with the Lakers--people have unfairly criticized me because I've never won with a team that I had to build from the ground up," Jackson said at a press conference, where Nicholson would be seen crying despite the dark sunglasses he wore.

"I figure that if I can turn the Clippers into a NBA champion in five years, that'll end the debate on my coaching abilities."

Jackson's tenth title as head coach surpassed the late Boston Celtics coach Arnold "Red" Auerbach, who readily pointed out his nine titles came from a team he had to build from the ground up--something Jackson hasn't done; the Bulls already had Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen when he arrived while the Lakers already had Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant. Bryant was still with the Lakers when Jackson returned a year later.

The Clippers, who've been in the NBA since 1970, have an all-time record of 1146-2020 (a paltry winning percentage of .362). Surprisingly, they have a better post season record at 20-27 (.426). They've never made it to the NBA finals, much less have won a championship.

Jackson added he hopes to encourage the NBA to reinstate its 2009 NBA draft, where the Clippers have the first pick and where many players withdrew or threatened to play overseas.


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