Creepiest Facial Hair in SportsMarch 7, 2014
Creepiest Facial Hair in Sports
They went through the trouble of growing this stuff, so we might as well shed a spotlight on some of the worst examples of facial hair in sports.
While many, myself included, feel the joy of not shaving, foregoing the razor for apathy, is right up there with the delight that comes with a cold beer and a lazy day on the couch, there are some who prove shaving can indeed be a necessity.
Instead of growing beards and mustaches that stand proud on an athlete's face, these examples feature hair follicles that seem to hang depressed, waiting for the day they can die and fall mercifully to the ground.
Feel free to yell about these examples in the comments section below, or you could also just offer some beards that might be missing.
Whatever you do, remember the important lesson that a razor, shaving cream and common sense can sometimes be a man's best set of friends.
It's important to remember that you simply can't break new ground when it comes to facial hair and come away successful. There is the mustache, beard and goatee.
Sure, you can mix and match as you like, but there is no reason to forge ahead and chisel at social norms because you have the need to have cute little pigtails hanging from under your chin.
Stick to the classics, people.
When did Brian Wilson turn into shag carpeting?
If the Dodgers ever want to introduce the clubhouse to outdated interior design, they could always lay down their setup man on the floor.
It's not enough for Wilson to grow out his beard, he needed to have Chewbacca hang from his chin for all eternity. Anyone unfortunate enough to eat lunch with him has to learn how to say "You have soup in your beard" in Wookie.
It's like Becky "Icebox" O'Shea grew up and got walloped in the face with a lifetime supply of testosterone. It's not that Adam Morrison can't grow a mustache and scraggly chin strap, it's that he chooses to do so despite the world's best wishes.
The chin is not where you choose to get creative. It's where you mop up the chili beans that didn't have the pleasure of reaching your mouth.
Not sure what Dustin Hermanson was going for here, but his goatee now looks like a face within a face and we can't unsee it. Is that a young Brian Wilson or a Rorschach test?
You know those damn threads that come undone on your sweater, where they get frayed and at a certain point you just have to yank it out completely?
Well, Scott Spiezio had that on his face.
Unfortunately for the former MLB player, the soul patch, or more uncouth "flavor saver," isn't helped at all when you dye it.
Just a heads up. We are here to help.
Facial hair can indeed be unassuming, sitting on a man's face like a familiar friend who never causes a fuss nor asks to be noticed. It can also be too thin, like creepily whispered words that haunt the psyche for years.
You can decide which camp Sidney Crosby's mustache fits into.
Granted this might not be a creepy beard, but I am genuinely afraid Jayson Werth is a Teen Wolf permanently stuck in mid-transformation.
Such a thing must be painful, so we have to get out the word and help this man.
Oh yeah, I like this idea.
Michael Jordan, for some odd reason, decided to roll out the toothbrush mustache, a style of mustache worn famously by the likes of Charlie Chaplin and Oliver Hardy.
Well, I might be missing somebody.
Right. AdWeek noticed the obvious about this Hanes commercial: It features the greatest of all time sporting a mustache made infamous by the worst of all time.
Not a good look, Mike. Not a good look ever.
Fan's Homage to Jordan
There is no denying this beard is creepy. The Jumpman logo looks more like a cave drawing or a toddler's sketch of Bigfoot, and the "Bulls" features an "S" that seems to be have been placed at the last second by the nervous hand of a person who knows he just ran out of room.
However, this was all for a good cause. Bleacher Report's Jake Silver has the scoop:
Students at the University of Toledo medical school grew their facial hair like many others in the month of November, but they saw an opportunity to do more. During the course of the month, people could bid on the rights to shave a beard however they so chose. All proceeds would go to their community clinic.
Fortunately for Ali, pictured above, the winning bidder knew he was a fan of Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls.
Thanks to Ali for sharing the photo and the story.
Unfortunately, there is no mention as to how long Ali had to leave his beard intact. We really hope he had to go a month buying groceries, going to class and going about his daily activities with the most ridiculous homage to Michael Jordan plastered on his face.
Sidney Crosby called, he would like his inability to grow facial hair back.
Derek Holland has a great sense of humor, so we have to think his constant journey to grow out the same mustache we had in eighth grade is all a joke.
Let's all laugh with him.
I have no idea why, and it's really quite ridiculous, but every time I stare at Bobby Jenks' ill-conceived goatee I can't help but think of Jake Tucker, Family Guy's "kid with an upside-down face."
It's like they took poor Jake and tried to turn his face back around, creating something far more sinister, far more outrageous.
Let's all raise our glasses to Patches O'Hoolihan here.
The only thing more sparse than Joakim Noah's beard might be the crowd at a Los Angeles Lakers game these days.
Before Drew Gooden was running up and down the court for the rare bucket with the Washington Wizards, he was growing his facial hair out, something that was far more unfortunate than his current stat line.
Gooden must have thought he came off looking like a trendsetter, but he just managed to come off looking like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
We might get heat for this, but it's hard not to include facial hair when it makes a man's face look like a push broom, no matter how iconic it might be.
It's like Wilford Brimley decided to drop some pounds and play hockey. In the world of mustaches, it's best to go for thickness over length.
Although, we have to give mad ups to Lanny McDonald for becoming the real-life version of The Swedish Chef.
When you have the world's tiniest chin, it's advisable to grow something to hide it.
However, Clay Buchholz's monstrosity combines the best of sport's most sparse beards, combines it with the world's most patchy and then gives us the inadvisable length of Lanny McDonald's facial hair gone awry.
If you ever wanted to see a Star Wars bantha in face form, take a look at Buchholz.
Some men grow beards. Garey Faulkner grows sports ornaments.
Yahoo! Sports' Dan Devine spotted this Cleveland fan with a propensity for over-the-top sports beards. If this basketball hoop crafted from facial hair has you uneasy, you might want to take a gander at Faulkner's Twitter feed.
There you will see outrageous Bengals dye jobs as well as Christmas Tree frivolity. Creepy? Yeah. Awesome? Yeah, that too.
The Wolverine: A beard made famous by a comic book character later played by Hugh Jackman, giving us really the only instance in which this style isn't completely ridiculous.
Unless you have a skeletal structure covered in adamantium, you should leave this beard to the movies. Unless...Is Luke Scott Wolverine? Perhaps Luke Scott is Wolverine. Actually, I seriously doubt he is an indestructible force who can regenerate and grow sharp claws at a moment's notice.
I could be wrong, though.
We might as well end on one of the creepiest beards in recent memory.
Larry Brown Sports is just one of many outlets to pick up on the hilarious video of Erin Andrews reporting during Fox Sports' Week 1 coverage of the 2013 NFL season.
Fox Sports needs to get this guy on staff to be a sort of sidekick to Andrews. Then again, this might be the byproduct of a subliminal message.
We are sure Andrews is doing a fine job reporting, but to this day we still can't hear anything she says, because we are hypnotized by a goofy look and thick beard.