Tired of feeling groggy in the morning after a night of too much sleep? Worried that your boss is taking note of all of those late arrivals you've been having?
If oversleeping is taking control of your life, the New Orleans Pelicans are doing everything they can to help you get it back. Sit through one game at the Smoothie King Center, and you'll never go to sleep again.
From the makers of the truly terrifying "Pierre the Pelican" comes "King Cake Baby," a grotesque creature that looks like it survives off some wicked concoction of stolen baby candy and tears:
This is what daymares are made of. Nightmares no longer exist after one sighting of the oversized infant—with the image of its haunting frame permanently etched inside your eyelids, you'll be looking for a medical procedure that keeps them open at all times.
Losing the sleep won't be easy, but you'll be glad to stay in constant awareness of your surroundings. Once King Cake Baby has cast a glance in your direction, there's no way to stay completely out of its sights:
So where exactly did this beast come from? Besides the deepest depths of the netherworld, I mean.
Well, Kami Mattioli of Sporting News explains it's born out of a New Orleans Mardi Gras tradition:
For those not in the know, King Cake is a ring-shaped doughy cake that's commonly associated with Mardi Gras.
The baker hides a plastic baby inside the cake and whoever finds it in their slice either receives good luck, gets pregnant or has to bake next year's cake, depending on how you opt to interpret the process.
The mascot is something of a real-life ghost story. It's actually been haunting New Orleans for several years now, always making its presence felt close to Mardi Gras time.
That increased exposure obviously has done nothing to lessen its intimidation. As Dan Devine of Yahoo Sports noted, this is still the definition of ghastly:
Everything about King Cake Baby — the always-watching eyes, the airbrushed bib, the scooter-enabled mobility and perhaps most especially the evidently-ready-to-come-off-at-a-moment's-notice diaper — is deeply, deeply unsettling.
In other words, it's all too fitting for New Orleans.
While some damage control a face-lift lowered the terror alert around Pierre the Pelican, sophomore Anthony Davis (20.5 points, 10.2 rebounds and three blocks per game) has been responsible for a rise in sleepless nights among NBA bigs.
The Pelicans are apparently looking to capitalize on a scare-sports market I never knew existed.
It's like taking in a game and knocking out a haunted house at the same time. It's sure to be a rush, as long as you're OK with the idea of never snoozing again.
If, or I should probably say when, the Pelicans brass starts seeing King Cake Baby in their sleep, what happens then?
Will he disappear after an "accident" and come back with a significantly less threatening makeover the way Pierre did?
Something tells me its piercing eyes are too rich with intimidation; it'd never allow the change. If it's deemed too terrifying, the only solution will be banishing it back to whatever unearthly land it came from.
Maybe next time New Orleans' promotional staff can look somewhere besides the monster-mascot factory for the Pelicans' in-game entertainment.