Dear NL Central: Cincinnati Reds Fans Hate You All

It’s only been a few weeks, and I’m already sick of the stupid NL Central.  I mean, I really and truly hate every single team in the division.

Whether or not you care, I’m going to vent, and tell you why.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS

This team was total garbage back in 1999 when they luckily took two out of three from the Reds in the final series of the regular season to force Cincinnati to face f**kin’ Al Leiter in a one-game playoff. 

Now, led by Bill “Yeah Right” Hall and his 17 career homers (85 total) vs. the Reds, this annoying team seems to pop up on the schedule every other week. 

To make matters worse, now they have JASON KENDALL.  I didn’t sign up for that.  I shouldn’t be asked to have to deal with that.

I’ve had it with these a**holes.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES

Oh my God.  Do we really have to play these bushers this much?  It seems like we play the Pirates every single week!  And this team?  My God, who in the name of Bob Walk are all these unknown yays? 

The worst part is that they always have these really dumb left-handed starting pitchers who throw like 83 mph and we can NEVER hit them.  I mean Paul Maholm shut us out the other night for God’s sake.  Paul Maholm.  Amazing.

I would rather watch a sex change operation than watch another Reds/Pirates game.

CHICAGO CUBS

I just hate them because they’re one of our main rivals.  We usually whoop that ass (except this week) so they don’t bother me that much.  But I’m still sick of ‘em.

Derrek Lee hits eight 600-foot homers per game against us too, which doesn’t help.

HOUSTON ASTROS

How many white relievers with 1995 goatees can you have on one team?  This team sucks right now so I don’t really care that much, but I still hate ‘em.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

I’ve had about all I need of Tony La Russa, first of all.  His little naughty quotes about how he has sexy dreams about Albert Pujols every night have got to go. 

They always have really dumb starting pitchers too.  Like Woody Williams and his dumb 86 mph crap. 

I really really fu**in’ hate the Cardinals.  A lot. 

Dear MLB: Can we PLEASE switch divisions?