Good luck, UFL!

“To fulfill the unmet needs of football fans in major markets currently underserved by professional football by providing a high quality traditional football league comprised of world class professional football players.” — UFL mission statement.

Everywhere you turn, people are taking about it. Like Miss California’s well-thought-out views on stuff and the latest earth-shattering updates from American Idol, this hot-button topic just won’t go away.

That’s right, the buzz you hear has to do with a new football league opening play this fall: The United Football League.

The UFL …

Has hired coaches you’ve heard of.

Could acquire the footballing services of quarterback Michael Vick.

And, could also be a possible landing spot for free-agent quarterback Rex Grossman, but a more likely outpost for former Texas Tech passers.

The UFL will open play with four teams, and while it makes no bones about being a minor league incapable of competing with the National Football League, it’s easy to lump the UFL with the likes of the XFL, USFL, LMFAOFL (totally made that one up, LOL … OLOLOL!).

Let’s step on the rotting carcasses of dead football leagues. It’s time to investigate the three previous upstart pro football leagues that ultimately failed …

In the XFL, the cheerleaders were the show.

XFL (2001)

Players you may have heard of: Tommy Maddox (Los Angeles Xtreme), Rod “He Hate Me” Smart (Las Vegas Outlaws)

Moment of infamy: Geesh, where to begin? The crazy black-and-red football, the scramble for the ball replacing the traditional coin toss for opening possession, the cheerleaders, the midseason rules changes, the rule prohibiting extra points, the cheerleaders, the other rule prohibiting fair catches on punts, the “Big Game at the End” (a.k.a., the “Million Dollar Game). However, one night stands out. The greatest game in league history also signaled its downfall. A double-overtime 39-32 thriller won by the Los Angeles Xtreme over the Chicago Enforcers resulted in a lengthy delay in a Saturday Night Live featuring J.Lo as host. Ratings for the highly-publicized J.Lo SNL appearance were disappointing, but not as horrible as the deteriorating XFL audience, which was cut in half from the league’s debut the week before.

United States Football League (1983-85)

Steve Young playing for the Los Angeles Express.

Players you may have heard of: Jim Kelly (Houston Gamblers), Reggie White (Memphis Showboats), Steve Young (Los Angeles Express) … all of whom are in the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Moment of infamy: A $1.69 billion antitrust case against the NFL resulted in a reward of $3.76 ($1 in damages, trebled to $3, plus 76 cents in interest). This check has never been cashed.

Rebirth? Something called the New USFL is slated to being play in 2010. The home page of the league’s official website states the following hilariousness: “An exciting announcement will be posted shortly! Please stay tuned … That’s right America, spring football is coming back!” The site also has a little page view tracker, which at this very moment shows 84,196 visitors.

World Football League (1974-75)

Players you may have heard of: Pro Football Hall of Famers Larry Czonka (Memphis Southmen) and Paul Warfield (Memphis Southmen). Vince Papale, the subject of the 2006 movie Invincible, got his start with the Philadelphia Bell

Moment of infamy: The WFL succeeded in raising the bar on player salaries (at the time, the NFL ranked fourth in average player wages behind baseball, basketball and hockey). However, financial hardship quickly struck the ambitious league. The day after winning World Bowl I (the one and only), the uniforms of the champion Birmingham Americans were confiscated by sheriff’s deputies. Earlier in the season, reports had Portland Storm players being fed by gracious locals, and the Charlotte Hornets had their uniforms impounded for not paying a laundry bill.