Tommy Lasorda & The Pope: A Theological Discussion

At the beginning of the Pope’s recent visit to America, he was greeted by several American dignitaries, including ex-Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda. ChatterBalks has obtained an exclusive copy of the transcript of their conversation.

Pope Benedict: Hello, my son.

Tommy Lasorda: Is that you, Benny? Benny Boy! BEN! What’s happenin’? Where’d you get that jewelry, buddy?

Pope: Thomas, this is the jewelry of God’s messenger on Earth. Only the Pope may wear it.

Lasorda: Man, now I wanna be the Pope! You get some great stuff out of it! How’re the chicks?

Pope: Thomas, the life of the Pope is a life of chastity.

Lasorda: Chastity’s my favorite girl at the Rhino! I’m in! Where do I start?

Pope: There’s more to life than simply hedonistic adventures. Tell me, Thomas, how long has it been since your last confession?

Lasorda: Are you KIDDIN’ ME? Not since the tranny train at Dodgertown!

Pope: Is there anything you would like to confess before God? You must cleanse your soul if you wish to enter the kingdom of heaven.

Lasorda: I gotta confess something, Benny Boy. I’m not actually on a diet.

Pope: Thomas, God will forgive you if you show that you are sorry. You must perform penance. You are to recite five Hail Marys and eat five sticks of celery. Only then will your burden be lifted.

Lasorda: Listen Benny, just cause you’re the Pope doesn’t make you God. You’re just the bench coach on God’s team, my man.

Pope: Ah, but Thomas, I am trying to take you away from the other team. Ours is a team of nobility and virtue. The other is a team of dark malcontents, rife with sin and…

Lasorda: Hot dogs?

Pope: No, not hot dogs.

Lasorda: Good thing. I’m always on the hot dog team.

Pope: Gluttony is a sin, Thomas.

Lasorda: Well if you don’t have any frankfurters I don’t got no business being there.

Pope: You will have all the hot dogs you want once you enter the kingdom of heaven. Is a sole hot dog now really worth it if the price is ultimate suffering?

Lasorda: I think ultimate suffering is any time I don’t have a hot dog.

Pope: I shall pray for your soul, Thomas.

Lasorda: And I’ll pray you get some Ballpark Franks, Benny.