O.J. Simpson is still committing crime, but his latest caper is of the oatmeal cookie variety.
The former gridiron great was recently caught stealing sweets from the cafeteria of the Nevada prison where he’s serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery. Guards noticed that the 66-year-old seemed to be hiding something in his clothes after lunch and seized more than a dozen oatmeal cookies from the would-be smuggler, a close source told The ENQUIRER.
Now let's take this story with a healthy grain of salt, because it stems from a National Enquirer report that is entitled "Ticking Time Bomb OJ's Forbidden Food Orgy." (How can you not read that?)
If we are splitting hairs, Simpson was hardly engaged in a food orgy. It was more of a food cuddle session, because he was allegedly caught with about a dozen oatmeal cookies.
Because this story is as much about failed food heists as it is about anything, we have to say stealing oatmeal cookies—the Jacksonville Jaguars of cookies—has to be near the bottom of the barrel.
Oreos, Thin Mints and Mallomars are all worth pulling off an Ocean's Eleven type heist for, but not oatmeal cookies, which, let's be honest, are one step above sugar cookies and not a big one.
Although this explains a lot, because The Juice is looking far more like The Milkshake.
But if we can bring this ridiculous story down to a serious level for just a second, we have to marvel at how far Simpson's life has plummeted.
The same guy who made millions laugh with his beloved buffoonery in films like The Naked Gun was suspected and acquitted in a sensationalized murder trial.
He is now in a Nevada prison for his part in a Las Vegas hotel room robbery in 2007.
The Enquirer report cites a source that states, "Everyone thought he had smuggled in a cell phone or some other kind of contraband, so when the guard started pulling cookies out of O.J.’s shirt, the other inmates started laughing so hard they nearly fell over."
Simpson, who the source said was embarrassed by the incident, was given only a warning.
The source continued, "he told a friend the only enjoyment he has left in his life is eating his favorite foods. To tell the truth, he really doesn’t care what happens to him anymore."
This concludes the only story you will hear of anyone actually wanting to steal a dozen oatmeal cookies. However, I suddenly have a hankering to go eat one, just because I can.
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