How to Sneak Beer into Sporting Events
Psst...buddy. Over here.
You looking to get some party water into the game? Don't worry about my trench coat, man. I'm here to help you.
Stadium alcohol is highway robbery. A Bud Light is the price of lunch and a mixed drink will cost you a second son. Why settle for these prices when there are other ways?
I'm not telling you to break any rules—I'd never suggest any unlawfulness on your part. All I'm saying is that if you were trying to get some of that sweet nectar into the game, this is how you could do it.*
Don't worry if it's weird; just watch and learn. This is how to sneak beer into sporting events.
*Do not drink if you are under 21 years of age. It's the law, dummy.
Welcome to the future of smuggling alcohol. Welcome to iFlask.
As its name suggests, iFlask is a discrete flask designed in the mold of the popular Apple smartphone. The vessel holds five ounces of liquid, which is accessed by sliding a panel and nipping at the "earphone jack."
If anyone at the ballpark asks why you're drinking out of your phone, just tell them it's a new app. They'll probably believe you.
Pros: Extremely disguised alcohol smuggling device
Cons: Limited volume capacity
I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness of the Sneaky Shorts.
Sneaky Shorts are a pair of bladders attached by an adjustable belt. Wearers simply fill the bladders up with 24 ounces of liquid, slip on a pair of trousers and—viola!—you have some seriously sneaky shorts.
Sneaky Shorts come with dual straws for sipping purposes and use “Stay Thin” technology to keep pockets from bulging.
Does pants-whisky taste better than normal whiskey? Of course it does.
Pros: shooting beer from your pants
Cons: shooting beer from your pants
The Sippin’ Seat
Sippin' Seats—padding your bottom while filling your belly with a magical blend of barley, hops and delicious alcohol.
The Sippin’ Seat is your everyday stadium cushion with an added benefit—a 24 ounce liquid reservoir that can support up to 300 pounds of weight.
The seat also comes with a dispensing hose for easy pouring, making it the perfect cushion for a money-saving day at the ballpark—unless you’re Terrell Brown-sized. In that case you’ll just end up at the dry cleaners hoping they don’t ask too many questions.
Pros: Comfortable and clutch
Cons: Weight limit cuts down appeal for the 3.8 million Americans who weigh over 300 pounds
The Beer Belly
If you’re really looking to bring mega ounces into the ballpark—and don’t mind looking like a chubby hubby—the Beer Belly was made for you.
Designed to look like that spare tire you put on in college, the Beer Belly’s stomach-pooch design allows wearers to schlep 80 ounces of hoppy deliciousness through stadium security.
Just strap this beer papoose around your shoulders, throw on a larger-than-usual shirt and—presto—you’re pounds heavier but ounces (and dollars) happier at the same time.
Aesthetics be damned. You’re an American—a beer belly is your right by writ of law.
Pros: Huge money saving potential, your spouse not speaking to you until you take it off
The Beer Beard
Envision the Beer Beard guy. Be the Beer Beard guy.
Stadium security won't believe it's authentic, but they will love your ridiculous Grizzly Adams-meets-Duck Dynasty beard.
All you have to do is pair your Beer Beard with a flannel shirt and a rubber lumberjack ax. After that, just relax and prepare to laugh your way through security with 72 ounces of frothy, scrumptious brew beneath your chin.
Pros: You're wearing a beard full of alcohol, so you're already winning everything.
Cons: Itchiness, neck strain
Most stadiums won’t let you bring food or beverages inside the gate with you, but you might be able to convince security personnel to let you finish a soda inside. In that case, you can always go with the Liquor Skin.
Pouring beer into soda cans is bad form, and the creators of Canoflage know that. You really don’t want to drink wine from a can, despite all the menacing gestures it allows.
That’s why Canoflage has developed a product that allows you to conceal your Banquet Beer or other can of brew as a harmless (and imaginary) soft drink.
Gate guards are more likely to let you in with a Coke than a Budweiser—just don’t let them look at the label too closely. They’ll have questions if they see you drinking “Skunkpiss.”
Pros: High level of sneakiness
Cons: Only effective in single can situations
Dan, are you telling me I can enjoy an alcoholic beverage and eat one of my favorite childhood candies at the same time?
Yes, you can, friend. Now stop bawling tears of joy and start steeping gummy bears in your choice of alcohol. Rum is an obvious selection, due to the irresistible “rummy bear” pun.
Preparation is easy. Just put your gummy bears in a sealable bag, completely immerse them in alcohol and let those bad boys sit for five to eight hours. After that just put the bag in a pocket and head out the stadium.
You probably shouldn't have to worry too much about them being discovered. Heck, they're just gummy bears, Mr. Ballpark Security.
Pros: You're eating alcoholic gummy bears.
Cons: You can't eat them forever.
The Wine Rack
This one is for you, ladies. Or morbidly obese men.
Looking for a bra that provides more support and more alcohol? Your prayers have been answered.
Behold the Wine Rack, the only sports bra with a built-in polyurethane reservoir meant for surreptitiously storing your favorite alcoholic beverage. The Wine Rack comes with a handy extendable straw and can hold up to 25 ounces of liquid.
Retailers claim the bra can also increase your bust by two sizes, which could mean more face time on the stadium Jumbotron. In other words, chest-wine is a win-win for everyone.
Pros: easy access, cools you down on a hot day
Cons: wardrobe malfunctions will cause a mess and/or mass confusion
Rum Runner Flasks
Collapsible, reusable and easy to hide, the Rum Runner flask is a simple and classic vessel for sports fans looking to smuggle booze.
Ranging in size from eight ounce little guys to 32 ounce monsters, there's a Rum Runner flask for every occasion. Flasks also come with a small funnel for an easy fill-up process.
In addition, the Rum Runner web site features a "Tailgater Kit," so their product is clearly suited for the frugal fan looking to avoid stadium booze price gouging.
Pros: Easy to use, easy to hide
Cons: Caps can be lost in the hustle and bustle of busy ballparks.
It's not sexy, but using a big jacket to sneak cans of beer past security can be highly effective if you know what you're doing.
Most stadium guards will only give you an ocular pat down, but even with lax security, you can't have strange lumps and bulges protruding from your chest. It's also not wise to mule cans in on your back like some kind of drunken Quasimodo.
Your best bet is a poofy jacket and a nice responsible look on your face (women/girlfriends can help here). Stick a few into the pockets, say "Brrr! It's a cold one!" and move through the turnstiles.
Pros: Free, doesn't require fancy smuggling equipment
Cons: Not a fool-proof tactic, and you have to be the guy in the poofy jacket.
Reef Dram Sandal
I will tell you this right now—do not buy this product.
The Reef Dram sandals sound great on paper, featuring flask-like reservoirs capable of holding "3 ounces" of liquid.
Take it from a man who has owned a pair—these sandals hold an ounce and a half at most, and the plastic reservoirs will crack after about two weeks of wear.
If the sandal worked as advertised, this would be a worthy investment for sports fans suffering in the summer heat, but as is, I cannot recommend it.
Pros: Looks cool the first time you use it.
Cons: Zero durability, more novelty than function.
Where is no one going to look for a beer? In the hood of your favorite team hoodie.
Placing an undetectable beer in your hood takes skill, however. Put too many in, and the cans are visible, and a sudden movement or hug from a friend will send your brew tumbling to the ground.
Some hoodie wearers go with the front pouch for alcohol storage, but beware—this area is bulge-prone and highly predictable for stadium security.
Pros: Free, easily accessible.
Cons: Unreliable, potentially messy.
Binocular flasks—proof that God loves you and wants you to drink inexpensively at ballgames. Or while bird-watching.
These puppies hold 16 ounces of whatever you're nipping on, and at $11 a pair, can you afford not to pick them up? They come with a neck strap, for God's sake.
Pros: portable, undetectable and all-around awesome
Cons: that weird moment an elderly fan asks to take a look through them
It'll cost you its weight in myrrh, but the Umbrella Flask is an undetectable and ridiculously B.A. way to wait out any rain delay.
The Umbrella Flask is a Malacca cane creation by Brigg with a two piece handle. The handle unscrews to reveal a lengthy drinking flask—perfect for the gentleman bourbon enthusiast who wants to secretly bring his fine vintages to the game.
Pros: You'll look like a baller with a fancy boozing umbrella.
Cons: Costs $880, so you're canceling out your money saved by $850.
Stuffing the Pheasant
I call it "Stuffing the Pheasant," but most people call it "cramming booze into your pants."
It's not pretty or elegant—but it usually works.
Everyone has their own method, but one effective way is filling up an empty water bottle with your drink of choice, putting it in a plastic bag and tying the bag off around your belt loop. This guy here demonstrates it well (video features NSFW language).
After you've tied the bag to your belt loop, all that's left to do is stuff the bagged bottle into your pants and pray the security guard doesn't get too friendly when you stride through the turnstiles.
Pros: It's effective, surreptitious and above all, free.
Cons: Getting caught will take you into a whole world of awkwardness.
How do YOU get beer into the ballpark? Join me on Twitter and let me know.