Tim McCarver: My Reason to Envy the Deaf

Matt CastonguayContributor IApril 11, 2008

I love my baseball.

I’m a lazy SOB who spends hours in front of the television watching the game.

For the past couple years I’ve spent a good majority of the summer months either playing everyone’s favorite drinking game (golf) or sitting on my butt eating take-out, yelling at the T.V., second guessing Bobby Cox, Terry Francona and others, and applauding Manny Ramirez for his 1-4 performance with a homer and three Ks because well, that’s just Manny being Manny.

Point is, I don’t just enjoy baseball on television; I live for it.

There is one thing, however, that I can live without, and it makes its debut two months earlier than normal this year. No, I’m not talking about Roger Clemens coming out of retirement to help the Astros to a third place finish in the N.L. Central; I’m talking about Fox Saturday Baseball.—more importantly, the return of the world’s most tired windbag,  James Timothy “Tim” McCarver.

McCarver is that shrill sound you hear during the Championship Series and World Series on Fox in the fall that can only be likened to nails on a chalk board. McCarver is that little annoying kid you always just wanted to punch in the mouth every time he said something because it was either about as useful as tits on a nun, or just plain stupid.

McCarver’s speaking ability makes Rain Man look like a steady public speaker.

There is no getting around it.

Tim McCarver is the worst broadcaster in the history of televised sports, period.

While some would make an argument for Billy Packer, the angry old man at CBS Sports who once referred to Allen Iverson as a “tough monkey,” or for Bryant Gumbel, who has famously slipped up and referred to Tony Romo as “Rick Romo” and 49ers running back Frank Gore as “Al Gore,” they are still knowledgeable individuals and, more or less entertaining when they screw up.

Tim McCarver is just an ignorant tool who tries to cover up his ignorance by spitting out jargon, repeating Joe Buck, or miss-explaining a rule.

I could fill this column with quote after mind numbingly dumb quote but that’s for you to do on your own time at sites like www.shutuptimmccarver.com or the facebook group “Tim McCarver doesn’t know anything and should be forced to live in the woods.” There, anyone whose innocence has been shattered by this tongue-tied nitwit that Fox Sports has so devoutly embraced for years can read and reflect on some of the dumbest things ever uttered.

Now, I have left some outlets for you readers to go back and read some McCarver classics, but I can not leave without sharing my favorite McCarver-ism, which came in 2004 during the ALCS.

After David Ortiz capped one of the most exciting baseball games in recent memory with a walk-off homer,McCarver's home run call, "Mt. Everest erupts again!" has to be one of the single dumbest things said by anyone.

Tim McCarver left me staring at my television, head in hands, wondering how anyone could mistake Mt. Everest for a volcano.

Come on, everyone over the age of six knows Mt. Everest isn't a volcano.

Nice try though, Timmy.

At least you weren't stating the obvious like in 1993 when you told us Darren Daulton was "using his glove like a mitt" or filling our brains with such deep insight as a match up of A-Rod vs. K-Rod could in fact, be called "Rod-Rod."

Everything Tim McCarver says is like Billy Madison’s speech comparing “the puppy who lost his way” to the industrial revolution in that “everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.”

Simply put, Tim McCarver is my reason to envy the deaf.

A side note: While writing this piece and asking for input on it, someone who obviously had no idea who John Madden is, besides a Frank Caliendo character (Please, take the time to watch his  Charles Barkley impression, you’ll be a better person for it), asked me “how come you don’t write about how bad John Madden is? He’s stupid!”

To that I say, no, you’re stupid.

John Madden is just a far more masculine, football version of Tim Kurkjian (whose voice cracks more than most pre pubescent teens). He is someone who knows the game and tries to impart his knowledge and passion to everyone and just happens to not be the best public speaker in the world.

Let’s face it; John Madden is harmless unless you’re sliced turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, or any combination of the three.




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