Life After Liverpool: Excerpts from Luis Suarez's 2013-14 Diary

With his latest plea to be released from the shackles of a £6.2 million annual salary at one of the world's biggest clubs, it seems very unlikely that Luis Suarez will kick a ball for Liverpool again. 

Keen to see what lies in store for the Uruguayan, B/R has hopped into its DeLorean time machine, gunned it to 88 mph and retrieved his personal diary for the 2013-14 season. 

Here are some choice cuts.

Saturday, 17 August

Dear Diary,

Today, I am a happy man! Earlier this week, my transfer to Arsenal finally went through when Mr. Wenger agreed to hand over £40,000,001.01 to that dirty liar Brendan Rodgers. I know that's not as much as Real Madrid paid for the guy with the big ears who scored fewer goals than me, but that's not my fault. That's the English media's fault. 

Anyway, I'm so happy, diary! Arsenal were my number one choice! Well, after Bayern Munich, of course. And PSG. And Barcelona. And Real Madrid. And both Milan sides. And Monaco. And Napoli. And Borussia Dortmund. But Champions League football, baby! This is what I deserve.

Later today we'll play our first game of the season against Aston Villa. I can't wait! I'm going to give it everything I've got...while I sit in the stands serving the rest of my ban! 

I have to go now, Wojciech Szczęsny is looking at me funny. Note to self: pee-pee in Wojciech Szczęsny's Lucozade on Monday.

Monday, 19 August

Dear Diary,

Wojciech Szczęsny totally drank the Lucozade and didn't notice my pee! This is funnier than the time I put that flesh-eating virus in Diego Lugano's underwear!

Ah, I'm pretty great. 

Tuesday, 20 August

Dear Diary,

I hate it here. 

Mr. Wenger is a liar. When I first went to that horrible dusty room with him (What did he call it? Ah, yes, the Arsenal transfer fee negotiation room) he said I would be guaranteed to play five-a-side football in training this season. Today, I just ran around some cones, stamped on Szczęsny's Achilles tendon a few times then did some yoga! What's up with that? I'm Luis Suarez!

I had the opportunity to play five-a-side football in training at a number of big clubs, but I chose to stick it out here for nearly a week because of Mr. Wenger's promise. 

I feel so hurt, confused and hungry. (Mr. Wenger only lets us eat macrobiotic miso soup from a test tube twice a day.) 

I don't deserve this. I'm willing to go all the way to the Professional Footballer's Association about this one.

Excuse me, I need to call my agent. And The Guardian and The Telegraph.  

Wednesday, 18 September

Dear Diary,

Ban over! Luis Suarez is back, baby! As mama used to say, you can't keep a good man down—even if he likes to bite people! 

Later tonight I'll play my first game for the Gunners, and it's a Champions League match. Finally, a chance to show a new club how good I am so I can try and leave this horrible place in the winter! I deserve this.

I've been working so hard on my pace, my stamina and my referee deception in the past few months, tonight's opponents aren't gonna know what hit them! I think it's Galatasaray we're playing, but I don't see colours, I just see another opportunity to impress a new employer. 

Tomorrow morning, I hope I make the back page of every newspaper that I hate so much. 

Saturday, 2 November

Dear Diary,

I don't get why some football fans are so horrible to me. We played Liverpool at home tonight, and every single time I touched the ball, their fans booed me! After everything I did for them! I got them all the way up to seventh place last season and I only got banned for 13 games! What else did they want from me?! 

So what if I constantly talked about joining other clubs? Do I come and boo at you when you tell the press about changing your job, Mr. Horrible Football Fan? I don't deserve this. 

But I have much to be pleased about: I scored a goal and earned Glen Johnson a yellow card for fouling me. (Can you keep a secret, diary? Glen Johnson never even touched me!)

Wednesday, 13 November

Dear Diary, 

I am back with my beloved Charrúas in Montevideo. Since we didn't feel like qualifying for the World Cup directly, yesterday we played an intercontinental playoff with Uzbekistan. Frankly, it was easier than a game of Words With Friends with Lukas Podolski, we won 4-0 and I scored twice! And I didn't have to make any handball clearances! Yes, I did just say that, diary!

Next week we have to go to Uzebekistan for the second leg. Mr. Wenger isn't happy about me being away so much. And Lukas asked me to get Borat's autograph. I haven't got the heart to tell him that Borat lives in Kazakhstan. 

Saturday, 8 February

Dear Diary,

Today I returned to Anfield. It was not fun. The fans were super mean to me and even booed when I dived to win a penalty. They used to love it when I dived to win penalties! I really don't know what's gotten into them.

We drew 2-2 and Arsenal are currently four points off the pace of Champions League football. 

Once again, Mr. Wenger has lied to me. He told me Arsenal would be in the Champions League until the end of time. It looks like I might have to find another club next year to play in this competition that I find extremely important for some reason. Oh that's right, the reason is money. I'm so silly sometimes!

Saturday, 26 April 

Dear Diary,

I apologise for what you had to see today, but you are a jerk. 

Sorry diary, I have to make apologies all the time but I'm still no good at them.

Anyway, as you know, I'm probably going to get another ban after what happened at the Newcastle game today.

He was provoking me for the entire match. He started trying to distract me while I was warming up, and kept trying to get in my head from the touchline throughout the game. 

After I hit the post in the first half, my memory is hazy, but I know what I did. A switch inside me went off and the red mist descended. Yes, I bit Gunnersaurus.

I feel quite terrible. As a prehistoric creature he's one of the few at the club who remembers the last time we won a trophy. I know he didn't deserve it. Since I only bit his tail, I'm hoping I'll get a lighter ban this time. 

I just wish I'd bitten Szczęsny instead. 

  

Sunday, 11 May

Dear Diary,

It's the last day of my ban for that whole Gunnersaurus thing, and also the last day of the season. But as I always say, a nice lengthy ban at the end of the season means a nice early summer! 

Arsenal need to win at Norwich today to get a place in my beloved Champions League, but even if we get it, I still can't forgive Mr. Wenger for the whole five-a-side thing.

Looks like another summer of job-hunting for me! Oh, and a World Cup. I must remember to ask my agent how much I'm being paid to go to this one.

Oh diary, don't you just love being part of an industry that doesn't care if you have an appalling attitude and abhorrent track record of misconduct as along as you can score goals? 

I deserve this.