Utah Mayor Quakes In Boots Over Mustache Pressure

While JoeSportsFan.com is definitively a sports entertainment media portal, if you are a consistent reader you know that we enjoy the ridicularity of life.

Parade Magazine poster boy and JSF founder Josh Bacott reports periodically on the Hepatitis C virus that has plauged certain Muppets characters after a weekend spent with Pamela Anderson. Pat Imig is a religious follower of the soap opera “Days of Our Lives” and randomly sprinkles facts and rumors from the show into his stories. And of course Matt Sebek has a knowledge of haircare products that goes beyond reproach.

I, of course, am a mustache guy, also serving as Chairman of the austere American Mustache Institute. And while some may think of AMI simply as a joke, let me assure you we have purpose. We are an advocacy organization, the ACLU of the downtrodden Mustached American people, and we are freedom fighters.

Just yesterday we inserted ourselves into a controversy sweeping the greater Salt Lake City, Utah-area, after the Salt Lake City Tribune reported that Murray City, Utah Mayor Dan Snarr, pictured here with former American Idol contestant and future fire starter David Archuleta, “might be kissing his famous mustache goodbye.”

Apparently, the robust looking mayor with the dapper lip sweater is considering this dastardly deed as part of a fundraiser for Children’s Miracle Network, and Murray residents can cast their votes through May 16 at an area Costco store.

AMI reached out to the mayor, seeking to bring him to his senses. Our correspondence to him went as follows:

Mayor Snarr,

It has come to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that you are allowing the people of Murray City to determine if you will shave your mustache, and we must lodge an official protest.

Certainly, we admire your intentions and community-oriented spirit, as we understand this potential shaving of your lip garment would be part of a fundraiser for the Children’s Miracle Network.

However, what you must understand - and clearly do not - is that as a Mustached American in a position of authority, you represent much more than simply the good people of Murray.  No, you represent a community of downtrodden Americans - Mustached Americans - for whom you stand as a sign that we are not only fit to hold positions in waste collection, motorcycle repair, and hospital equipment maintenance. You are proof that a Mustached American can be a mayor, a leader, a respected beacon of excellence.

Additionally, let us also remind you what it states in the texts of the Dead Sea Scrolls and is also referenced in Leviticus. And that is, each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

Therefore, with these factors in mind, we ask that you recant this consideration of shaving your pristine mustache, and ensure that it garnishes your stiff upper lip for all of the citizens of Murray to enjoy.

Instead, we would propose you take other actions to fulfill this same promise to the Children’s Miracle Network. This could include shaving your head, your back, or committing to not clipping your toenails for up to eight months.

Clearly, there are many other options, and we ask that you choose one instead of letting a national community of people down. The choice is yours.

Obviously, this is important news, which is why the Associated Press bureau in Salt Lake City picked up on the story. You can read it in full here. It has made the rounds online and in newspapers across the country this morning, and it goes without saying that Mayor Snarr is reconsidering this pending tragedy.

Let’s just hope he comes to his senses in time to avert at cataclysmic disaster in mayoral judgment, and you can play a role too by writing the mayor and asking him to not shave: [e-mail].

Carry on.