Arsenal News: Wenger, Cesc, Van Persie and "The Tea Lady" All To Quit (Satire)

In shocking news today, it has emerged that Arsene Wenger and almost the entire Arsenal team are set to quit the Emirates.

The Arsenal manager has been offered a £50-million contract to become the new manager of Bayern Munich, or Real Madrid, or Wycombe Wanders, or anyone else in need of a manager.

He will be followed out the door by Manuel Almunia, who is wanted by every team in the world thanks to his immense displays against Manchester United in the UEFA Champions League.

Also leaving for any team in Spain who wants him is Cesc Fabregas. 

The current Arsenal captain was said to have become very upset after the pinnacle of English management, Hull's Phil Brown, said that he didn't care too much for his attire during the fifth-round game at the Emirates.

A source in Italy also leads us to believe that young Englishman Theo Walcott is to move to Juventus while Emmanuel Adebayor is on his way to AC Milan.

After four months at the North London club, Andrey Arshavin is moving to Barcelona in the summer. Well, he might as well, as every other Arsenal player goes there.

Those also packing their bags are Gael Clichy, Bacary Sagna, Kolo Toure, Johan Djourou, William Gallas, Alex Song, Denilson, Tomas Rosicky, Eduardo, Nicklas Bendtner, Emmanuel Eboue, Carlos Vela, Abou Diaby, Fran Merida, and Kieran Gibbs.

All these players are wanted by any one of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid.

However, the most distressing news of all is that the Arsenal tea lady, Dorothy Doyle, has been snapped up by Barcelona in a pre-contract arrangement. 

A source, who wishes to remain annoymous, said that Ms. Doyle's son's friend's uncle's daughter's boyfriend's third cousin (who is related through marriage) told her that she is unhappy with the egos of the players and the lack of trophies at the club.

Of course, should Arsenal beat Manchester United on Tuesday night, she may reconsider and sign on for another £80,000-per-week contract.

Having read all that, you will now realize that I have wasted two minutes of your life.

Can you have them back, you ask?

No, you cannot, and you should be grateful I didn't charge you a fee to read this rubbish, because that is what it is—rubbish.

I am appealing to people who waste their money on crap tabloids to stop believing what is in them. Arsenal are not in crisis. 

The manager is not going to leave; he will honour his contract.

Half the squad will not go because "Arsenal are not winning stuff."

Liverpool aren't winning "stuff" either, so why isn't there a mass exodus at Anfield?