First Draft: The Return of Superstars

ABC Sports recently sent out a press release about the triumphant return of yet another show that was originally popular in the 1970s. 

The Superstars will return to the network in June and will star Terrell Owens as the headliner because, let’s face it, people totally think that guy is awesome and deserves more camera time. 

Owens will be together with a cast of washed—up athletes and celebrities along with a collection of people you’ve probably never heard of.

While the polished, final version of the AP story outlining the details of the show came out earlier this week, we happened to get our hands on the first draft of the same story, which had a little more honest feel to it.  

Eight athletes and several douchebags, including Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens, will team up with eight out—of—work actors and models along with D-list celebrities in the latest reincarnation of “The Superstars.”

ABC television announced the show Tuesday during their presentation to advertisers entitled, “We’re totally out of ideas so we’re just redoing stuff from the '70s."

Owens will thoroughly creep out (and eventually get jealous of) a team with Joanna Krupa, a model who was one of Maxim Magazine’s Top 100 women in the world in 2006, when the competition gets underway on June 23 (8 p.m. ET, ABC).

The eight teams will compete weekly in events including swimming, biking, running, complaining about the accommodations and the media, staring in disbelief at their paychecks, doing situps in their driveway and kayaking.

One team will be eliminated each week, leading to several of these people filing for unemployment benefits up to the finals.

The series will run until ABC realizes that America only wants to watch washed—up athletes and actors if they are dressed in spandex trying to dance for six weeks.

Other athletes include former major league baseball player (and the only guy who ever made people pull for Barry Bonds in a fight), Jeff Kent, ex-NBA role player Robert Horry, huge stoner and Olympian Bode Miller, former first—ranked tennis player and also a huge stoner, Jennifer Capriati, WNBA star Lisa Leslie, the woman who took her shirt off in that soccer game, Brandi Chastain and some other person who ABC has honestly not even heard of, women’s freeskiier Kristi Leskinen.

They will team with the Doritos girl that was supposed to marry AC Slater, actress and former Miss USA Ali Landry (Kent), random actress Estella Warren (Horry), “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” star Paige Hemmis (Miller), “Dancing With The Stars” performer Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Leskinen), the guy whose popularity peeked when he played the “mimbo” on Seinfeld actor and former North Carolina football player Dan Cortese (Leslie), Brooke Burke’s husband former “Baywatch” and “Melrose Place” star David Charvet (Capriati) and Enrique’s lesser known brother, singer Julie Inglesias, Jr. (Chastain).

The competition is taking place at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas because not even Disney Land would host it.

The original Superstars was a hit in the mid-1970s when people didn’t have the internet, had only four channels on their TV and thought crap like M*A*S*H was funny and featured professional athletes in a variety of sports.

Pole vaulter Bob Seagren won the inaugural competition, proving that even after winning a prime—time network competition, a pole vaulter still can’t become a household name.

Miller actually won one of the Superstars’ remakes in 2002 but he does not remember a second of it.