Report: Jeter Unstoppable, Just Like his Citizen Eco-Drive

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According to a new report issued Monday, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is unstoppable, just like his Citizen Eco-Drive. This news comes after a 2007 campaign where Derek Jeter hit .322 with 12 home runs. Not a bad season, but not quite Jeter’s best.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi was thrilled to find out that his leadoff hitter is now incapable of failure.

"He has a career on-base percentage of .388, which means he’s been stopped 61 percent of the time," said Girardi to reporters in the Yankee clubhouse. "But now we don’t have to worry about any of that anymore."

Girardi also stated that Derek Jeter will be given the permanent green light on the basepaths, since his steal rate will now be 100 percent, and that he will be moved to the starting rotation.

New York GM Brian Cashman has released or sold off all the pitchers currently in the Yankee system to free up salary for Derek Jeter, leaving the righty as the organization’s lone pitcher.

When asked about the move, Cashman replied, "It just makes sense. When you got a guy who can now throw 162 no-hitters for you, you just don’t need Joba Chamberlain."

When the idea of keeping a couple pitchers around came up, Cashman replied, "What part of 'unstoppable' don’t you understand, motherfuck? Besides, Jeter's probably unstoppable at negotiations now, also. He'll probably be able to take us for billions. We need all the money we can get."

CNN senior political analyst William Schneider has changed his prediction to a Jeter victory in the Presidential election in '08, resulting in cleaner skies, a top-notch educational system, and puppies for everyone.