Bryce Harper gets free Chipotle burritos for life.
I will let that fact marinate with you for a second as you consider how horrible your own life is now by comparison.
Update: Thursday, March 21, 1:35 p.m. ET
From the land of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Pirates ever making the playoffs again, we have a horrible truth to face.
According to Yahoo! Sports, Bryce Harper only gets burritos for a year, not life.
But here's an interesting wrinkle: While Harper announced on Twitter that it was a "free burritos for life" card, a Chipotle rep tells The Stew that it's actually free burritos for one year. It should go without saying, folks, but there's a huge difference between the two.
Please, nobody tell Harper because the depression may destroy what would have been a great season. Not only that, he may gain 50 pounds in a couple months. Finding out you have only a limited amount of times to stuff yourself on burritos will do that.
End of Update---
Let's recap for just a moment. The 20-year-old dominated the baseball scene last season, batting .270 with 22 home runs, winning the NL Rookie of the Year award and making "That's a clown question, bro" a ubiquitous saying.
The Nationals are in perfect position to contend for a World Series title, and Harper will feature prominently in those hopes.
But I don't care about any of that. In his wallet, Harper now has a card that trumps anything you have in yours.
Harper may have the card, but Chipotle gets a plug that just gave all of his 175,000 followers a hunger that can only be sated by one thing.
A massive burrito.
For those uninitiated, Chipotle is a restaurant chain that, via USA Today, has "more than 20 Chipotle locations in the immediate Washington, D.C. area, and more than 1,400 nationwide (but none in Montana—sorry, Montana)."
My belt size and feelings of jealousy are all you need to know that I have frequented the establishment a few times in my day, possibly a few too many times.
You simply walk up to the counter and tell the burrito artists what you want in your wonderfully wrapped package of culinary joy.
While the correct answer might be "everything," we normally settle for carnitas, guacamole, pinto beans and extra-hot salsa.
Not that these are the worries of immortal gods like Bryce Harper, because he can now try just about any burrito at any time and merely flash his card to make it all happen.
Just sit there and ponder what you might ask for from a wish-granting genie. If you are anything like me, you are wishing for a lifetime supply of burritos, and you are doing so while chowing down on your most recent burrito purchase.
I have had credit cards, library cards and gift cards. I will go on procuring random cards with monetary value and some with mere sentimental ties. Well, they are all crap now.
We were all asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. I, for one, would have answered, "Someone with a 'free burritos for life' card." I just didn't know that was an option.
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