MLB Conspires Against Fantasy Owners

"Pittsburgh Pirates. Can I help you?"

Fantasy baseball. It takes control of my life each year starting in March. Okay, February. I spend excessive amounts of time reading about players online, speculating about which prospects will make the big leagues, and scheming ways to rule my leagues.

"Yeah. I need to speak to John Russell."

Despite all the time I put in, I feel so unappreciated. It seems that major league players and managers just don't care about the effect their decisions have on me.

"Mr. Russell is busy digging Mr. McLouth's batting average out of the sewer at the moment. Can I please take a message?"

Last Friday night, Pittsburgh Pirates manager John Russell confirmed to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that the team would give catcher Ryan Doumit his regularly scheduled day off on Saturday. Doumit is my fantasy team's catcher. I had a full day of mountain biking planned for Saturday, so I put Doumit on the bench and replaced him with Brandon Inge, who has started the season absolutely raking for the Detroit Tigers.

Doumit played the full game and hit a grand slam. Inge went 0 for 2.

"You sure can, lady. Please ask Mr. Russell why he's trying to tank my season already. I'm trying to win championships, and he doesn't even know who's going to play from day to day? It's no wonder you guys have sucked for 30 years...you don't even know how to give Doumit a day off when he's expecting one."

And what is Brandon Inge thinking? He's been killing the ball, and he's suddenly stymied by Matt Harrison and Jason Jennings? Cripes, Brandon. I only need you once or twice a week! Let's try to be ready every day, huh?

"I'm very sorry for your inconvenience, sir. If it's any consolation, we expect to have Pedro Alvarez contributing to your fantasy roster by next season. In the meantime, we'd be happy to let you take your frustrations out on Andy LaRoche."

This lady has obviously been dealing with people like me calling the Pirates for a long time. She's not really the one I have a problem with anyway.

Another day, another lineup change. Today I put Doumit back into my lineup and stuck Inge back on the bench. Inge had a homer and three RBI. Doumit went 0 for 3.

"Detroit Tigers. Can I help you?"