Battle to the End—Athlete's Edition: Who Will Survive?

To my dismay, the quality of reality television has plummeted recently—far from the glory days of the early 2000s.

Now, you might scoff at my concern over things of such insignificance, but I’m not afraid to admit that I like my “trash TV” to be “quality trash TV.” 

The current nonsense of Dancing with the (Burnt-out C-List) Stars and Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader (a resounding NO in my case) just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Even the brilliant Survivor has lost a bit of its flair, thanks to ineffective rule changes and some unbelievably boring contestants.

Call me childish, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed an outlet, so I made one.

So without further ado, I’d like to introduce the hypothetical, but strangely fascinating, Survivor: Sports World—a reality TV show starring Shaq, Dikembe Mutombo, Dennis Rodman, Charles Barkley, Jay Culter, Brett Favre, T.O., Manny, David Beckham, and Michael Phelps that combines all aspects of reality TV.

Here’s an “unbiased” account of what would likely transpire in this wonderfully wacky competition.

Best Introduction: “Hello, I’m Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.”

Most Appropriate Song Choice for American Idol-like Singing Contest: Big Girls Don’t Cry—a song by Fergie, interpreted by Terrell Owens.

Best Dance Contest Moment: Shaq breaks it down with some top-notch popping, but is defeated by Brett Favre constantly jumping up and down with arms raised and index fingers pointed at the sky.

Bravest Moment in Fear Factor-like Contest: Jay Cutler shows no fear in “receiving” and eating “wide” Bear “droppings.”

Most Popular Wife Swap-like Contest Contestant: David Beckham. Dennis Rodman, and his wife—Dennis Rodman—come in a close second.

Most Embarrassing Moment: During Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader-like contest, Dikembe Mutombo, of all people, corrects Charles Barkley on the pronunciation and spelling of the word “terrible.” Charles proceeds to say “I am a dumb*ss” without reading off a teleprompter.

First to Leave the Island: With 14 Olympic Gold Medals, Michael Phelps wasn’t really motivated to do well. That, and there were no Mary Janes on the island.

Second to Leave the Island: David Beckham, obviously. If your wife looked like this, would you choose to stay on an island with smelly men for three months?

Most Painful Moment: The producers, in an attempt to garner more attention for the show, host a Temptation Island-like contest where contestants who refuse their personalized “temptation item” earn extra money. The temptation items are as follows:

Shaq—Kobe Voodoo Doll and endless supply of needles

Mutombo—The Sorcerer’s Stone (See Harry Potter for clarification)

Dennis Rodman—Karl Malone

Charles Barkley—Frank Caliendo

Jay Cutler—Mike Shanahan

Brett Favre—Another “Get out of Retirement Free” Card

T.O.—A third consecutive MVP Award for McDonald’s All-Star Celebrity Basketball Game

Manny—The wife version of Scott Boras

Beckham—A 12-pack

Michael Phelps—A Kellogg’s Box with his face on it again

All succumb to temptation. Sad.

Manny Being Manny Moment One: Manny refuses to participate in the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire-like contest. He claims, through his agent Scott Boras, that he would, however, participate in a Who Wants to Be a Billionaire-like contest.

Manny Being Manny Moment Two: Manny refuses to participate in the Amazing Race-like contest because water bottles are neither free nor guaranteed during the contest. Manny then cites his experiences in Fenway Park’s Left Field as support for his request.

Best On-Camera Diss:

“Shaq, Kobe is better than you now—I hope you know that.” – Jay Cutler

“Jay, Philip Rivers has always been better than you. You’re too dumb to know that.” —Shaq

Most Sentimental Moment: Barkley reveals that Favre and T.O. are among his “Fav Five.” Favre and T.O. proceed to cry with joy, while Cutler—feeling left out—proceeds to cry in jealousy.

Best Bachelorette-like Contest Moment: The producers invite Anna Kournikova to be the bachelorette. She ends up choosing Charles Barkley as her ultimate suitor. When asked to explain her choice, Kournikova replied, “I want to love someone who’s a lot like me.” We can only assume she’s referring to the couple’s current athletic ability.

Most Surprising Moment: After producers announce an opening for an Extreme Makeover, everyone is shocked to see David Beckham fervently fight for the spot. Apparently, if Beckham doesn’t keep up with Posh Spice in the number of plastic surgeries undergone, a divorce is imminent.

Most Inspirational Moment: Dennis Rodman gracefully glides across a Project Runway-like runway in his beautiful wedding dress like someone who has finally found a long-lost passion. 

Best America is Better than Britain Moment: David Beckham kicks his trademark bending kick, only to have the shot blocked by Shaq’s massive fist.

Best “I Love These Guys” Moment: During an America’s Got Talent-like talent contest, the contestants show off some little-known talents:

Shaq—Rapping without degrading Kobe

Mutombo—Playing volleyball

Dennis Rodman—Hair styling

Charles Barkley—Pulling the slot machine

Jay Cutler—Not getting mad at Peyton Manning for nearly killing him

Brett Favre—Ignoring his backups

T.O.—Writing a “How-To Guide” for TD celebrations

Manny—Writing a “How-To Guide” for being Manny

Beckham—Doing nothing and looking good

Michael Phelps—Being the link between humans and fish

Winner of the Show: Umm, Ryan Seacrest?

Great, now I feel a lot better.