Dirk Nowitzki Playoff Collapse Now Imminent With Weak Support System

With the Mavericks in the heat of the Western Conference playoff race, its captain and top-scorer Dirk Nowitzki has been sidelined for roughly two weeks with a sprained knee and ankle.

The reason for the injury was a collision with Spurs G Ime Udoka, leaving Nowitzki lying on the floor helplessly. Mavericks owner Mark Cuban reacted to the injury Tuesday afternoon from one of his seven homes in Dallas.          

“We’re pretty much screwed. I mean, Dirk can barely keep us afloat in the postseason when he’s healthy, and now this? Ask Miami and Golden State if I’m joking. One push or shove and a playoff collapse for my Mavericks and Dirk is about as full-proof as my wearing a t-shirt and imitating charge calls from my seat behind the basket next game,” noted Cuban as he flexed his pectoral muscles for all to see.         

Nowitzki, last season’s Most Valuable Player, was virtually transparent during the Mavs’ first round series against the 8 seeded Warriors. The top-seeded Mavericks were defeated in seven games with Nowitzki and the Mavs being endlessly persecuted on the defensive end of the floor.

The season before, the Mavs held a two game lead in the NBA Finals against the Miami Heat before Dwayne Wade decided to throw passes to his teammates, rather than spectators and the Heat rolled off four straight victories. The Heat won the series in Dallas, where many fans began calling out Dirk for his lack of leadership and heart, not to mention his apparent lack of a hair brush and personal hygiene all-together.         

“Dirk has gotten to play with arguably the two best point guards of this generation in Steve Nash and Jason Kidd. Now even though Steve Nash hands off the ball for assists and Kidd shoots with as much aim as Dick Cheney, it’s still another way to blame Nowitzki for being such a Sally-faced Nancy boy,” stated TNT NBA analyst Reggie Miller who correctly formulated sentences for the first time in his stint with TNT.          

Nowitzki was unavailable for comment due to his rigorous workout regimen including awkward leg kicks in order to strengthen his knee and ankle, causing Miller to re-capture his annoying approach of player descriptions.         

“Yeah, that’s another thing. I may have shot with two hands, but Dirk kicks his legs out. Totally lame-oh! I was much better losing in the playoffs that he is.”           

The imminent collapse of the Mavericks should occur in late April and will be all Nowitzki’s fault.