The Brawn Trilogy: F1 on Film

We fans are long overdue an F1 film, and now there is an obvious story to be told. A story of one man’s relentless rise to the summit of motor racing, a tale of passion, intrigue, and dark desires, told in three parts.

Scottywood films is proud to present The Brawn Trilogy...

The Brawn Identity

This will show how Brawn overthrows his Japanese masters, the Honda team owners.

Cleverly, he spends a year making sure that success looks an impossible dream for the team. Their spirits sink lower and lower, and eventually he persuades them that retreat from F1 is their only option.

The rising sun flag is hauled down from the team flagpole, and Brawn can at last play the hand he has been hiding. His dark cabal of confederates support him as he makes Honda an offer they can’t refuse.

‘You slopes can close the place, and throw seven-hundred people out of work, with all the costs that would entail. Or I could take the team over, you just pay for the first year, and then you can slip quietly away.’

Not knowing that Brawn has developed a winning car for the 2009 season, the Honda bosses accept the offer, and they head back to Tokyo to find solace in saki and geisha girls.

Before announcing his coup to the world, Brawn sits in his office to mull over the difficult choice of who is to drive for the team. His mind is made up when his assistant enters the room.

Bowing from the waist, the assistant speaks. ‘Sorry to bother you mister Brawn sir, but I’ve got that Bruno Senna on the phone. He wants to know about driving for you.’

'A cute young driver with a famous name?' Brawn laughs, most of his chins quivering with heartless humour. 'Don't be silly, Fry. There's only room for one star in this show, and I've seen him in the mirror. Tell Senna to piss off, our two dummies will do fine.'

The stage is now set for the next instalment of the trilogy.

The Brawn Ultimatum

The key scene of this episode will show Brawn on his poolside patio. A voluptuous woman is swimming fearlessly among the pool's crocodiles, but Brawn hardly glances at her. He is stroking the tiger cub on his lap, and he appears lost in deep contemplation.

Suddenly a thought occurs to him, and his fleshy lips curl in a mocking smile. He reaches for the phone, and dials a secret number. (020 7222 7888)

His call is answered immediately, and he goes straight to the point.

'Bernie, let me give you a thought. I’ve been caught cheating, and if your friends at the FIA rule my diffuser illegal, then I'm out of the game.’ He pauses to let his words sink in, then he continues. ‘And if I’m out of the game, little man, then the money you put in is gone forever.’

As he listens to the reply, the woman climbs from the pool, and we can see the crocodiles have torn her swimsuit off.

Whatever Brawn hears over the phone pleases him, and he drools with happiness, the saliva dripping from his chin to wet his shirt.

‘That’s right,’ he says. ‘You speak to Max, and get it sorted. I always get what I want, Bernie. As you know.' He hangs up the phone, and turns to the woman. 'Slavica, mix me my breakfast martini, there's a good girl.'

The Brawn Supremacy

The opening scene is Brawn diving from a helicopter. Into the sea he plunges, to rescue a beautiful Ferrari spy from the jaws of a great white shark. We see the flash of sharp teeth, and the water clouds with blood; Ross has bitten the shark's head off.

As he pulls the girl ashore onto Bondi beach, she gazes up at him admiringly. 'Who are you?' she gasps.

Sponging sea water and shark blood off his XXXL dinner-jacket, the great man sneers down at her. 'My name is Brawn,' he replies. 'Ross Brawn. And it’s not a shark’s job to eat you.'

Cue music, cue titles.

The first F1 race of 2009 starts, and as planned, Barichello takes out half the field at the first corner. Button soon establishes a clear lead, it is easy for him; he just turns when the sat-nav tells him to, and he is quiet happy listening to Beyonce on his i-pod.

Near the end of the race Kubica threatens to overhaul the leader, but one of Brawn’s agents destroys him in a kamikaze attack. Barichello then follows Button over the line, and on the pitwall Brawn does what he always does when he’s delighted, he sticks his tongue out and snorts, while loudly breaking wind.

At a party to celebrate the Melburne win, Brawn has taken his drivers aside for a private talk. They kneel at his feet as he addresses them. 'I want you two to know,' He says, 'that I can put any idiot in my cars. The victory is not yours, it's mine. Now Jensen, get back to the hotel and iron my clothes for tomorrow. You, Rubens, can help out in the kitchen here, and don't lick any spoons.'

The two scurry off, and Brawn is left alone in the darkness.

We see the devil's light in his eyes as he gazes out over the city. 'Today Australia,' he whispers, 'Tomorrow, the world.'