WrestleMania 25 User's Guide

This weekend I’ll be in Houston for WrestleMania 25, a fact I view as an accomplishment and I value it much more than my wedding day or birth of my first child (just to be clear, neither of those things have happened, so I’m lying—kind of).

The card for the 25th anniversary is pretty stacked from bottom to top and should prove to be the best Mania in recent memory. (Gorilla Monsoon says it will prove to be the greatest wrestling extravaganza of all time, by the way).

In an attempt to get you and me ready for the event, I’m going to play the role of Vince McMahon and tell you, my employees at this board meeting, what’s going to happen at the show and in what order. I’m Vince McMahon, DAMMIT! The results will be compared to reality next Monday.

I assure you what follows is the work of me and me alone. Pictures courtesy of wwe.com.

Match 1: Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy, Extreme Rules

Ahh yes, a good old fashioned brother versus brother encounter. This edition pits the Josh Hamilton of the WWE, Jeff Hardy, against real-life brother Matt. Jeff is the punk-rock baby face while Matt is the overzealous nuisance that is big brother.

Big brother turned against little brother at the Royal Rumble and cost Jeff the WWE Title. Since then, he’s made things personal, bringing up Jeff’s past...a past which includes real-life drug problems and a home that burned to the ground. HE EVEN MADE FUN OF HIS DEAD DOG!

Like the epic Bret Hart/Owen Hart clash at WrestleMania X, the Hardys will open up the show and leave 70,000 hooligans in awe. And like the Kane/Undertaker battle at WrestleMania 14, there will be casualties—at least according to Jim Ross.

Outcome

Matt Hardy gets the win to the chagrin of those in attendance after a returning Mr. Kennedy attacks Jeff. We later learn that Kennedy was the “guy with the blond hair” who attacked Jeff Hardy at his hotel right before Survivor Series. Matt Hardy is your winner regardless of the Mr. Kennedy prediction

Match 2: Intercontinental Champion JBL vs. Rey Mysterio

JBL is the modern day combination of the Honky Tonk Man and Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase, a most hated heel with limited wrestling skills at this stage of his career.

Rey Mysterio is one of the biggest baby faces in WWE and a loss here would completely piss off the crowd, which is one reason JBL retaining the IC strap is a hilarious possibility. It also allows for Mysterio to chase JBL with the title at the following pay per views.

Outcome

JBL retains his title by hook or crook, but Mysterio keeps the house happy with a post-match 619.

Match 3: Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Christian vs. Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. CM Punk vs. Finlay vs. Mark Henry vs. Kane

The winner of the match will climb the ladder and grab the briefcase holding a contract which guarantees one title shot at any time within a year. Since this is the 25th WrestleMania, the wrestlers will likely pull out all the stops (we can hope for Kane to wear his classic mask and attire, can we?)

Outcome

After 15 minutes of intense craziness, Kofi Kingston will ascend the ladder and grab the briefcase. He’s the most athletic competitor in the match and the kiddies love him. His win wipes out the previous two heel victories on the night.

Match 4: The Miz and John Morrison vs. Carlito and Primo Colon, Tag Title Unification Lumberjack Match

Traditional wrestling fans have clamored for good tag team wrestling at a WrestleMania for some time and they finally get their wish with this one.

The tag belts represented on Raw and Smackdown will be unified once and for all in a lumberjack match, meaning every wrestler on the roster who isn’t on the card will be surrounding the ring to ensure a winner is declared “inside” the ring.

Outcome

Miz and Morrison are both ready for singles competition and a win at WrestleMania will make the brothers Colon a household name. Match will be awesome if given enough time. Carlos and Primo are your winners.

Oh, and if Umaga is one of the lumberjacks, I politely request that he demolish every lumberjack after the match, just for fun.

Match 5: World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Big Show vs. John Cena

Edge is married to Vickie Guerrero but Vickie was caught making out with the sexy beast that is the Big Show. John Cena is the modern day Hulk Hogan with the difference being that Cena appears to be genuine and sincere while the Hulkster is a selfish schmuck with man boobs outside of wrestling. Long story longer, this mini main event will probably surprise people with how good it is assuming it’s packed into 11 or 12 minutes.

Outcome

Cena wins the belt cleanly leaving Edge and Big Show w/ Vickie in the ring. Edge turns on Vickie and spears Show giving him a needed baby face run.

Match 6: 25 Diva Battle Royal

The winner of this one will be crowned “Miss WrestleMania” in a battle royal featuring female stars past and present. It only makes sense for a current diva to win, especially one who just appeared on the scene and could use a springboard to relevancy.

Outcome

Gail Kim wins. She debuted on Smackdown earlier this month. Other than that, we’re all winners in this one, so long as it’s short.

Match 7: Chris Jericho vs. WWE Legends

The most entertaining wrestler over the past year has been Chris Jericho. He ditched the comedy act and turned into a full fledged heel. He commonly refers to us as hypocrites and parasites (always fun), and does it so smugly without raising his voice.

After Mickey Rourke portrayed Randy “the Ram” Robinson in the movie The Wrestler, Jericho has verbally abused Rourke and all wrestlers of his ilk. He took it a step further by beating down legends Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka and Ricky Steamboat in the following weeks. While it won’t be a mat classic by any means, Jericho will keep it entertaining and relevant.

Outcome

Jericho wins a brutal beat down and doesn’t stop until Mickey Rourke and Ric Flair attempt to make the save. After Jericho subdues them, the glass shatters and newly inducted Hall of Fame member Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the ring. He stuns the bejesus out of Jericho. Patrick Imig is satisfied with life.

Match 8: Shawn Michaels vs. the Undertaker

The Undertaker is 16-0 at WrestleMania and Shawn Michaels commonly responds to the title of Mr. WrestleMania. The two haven’t met in 11 years and the Undertaker has never beaten Shawn Michaels. The Undertaker is some how a better performer and wrestler than he was 10 years ago and Shawn Michaels is Shawn Michaels.

Match of the night and possibly year.

Outcome

Imig gets a boner and Undertaker remains undefeated.

Match 9: WWE Champion HHH vs. Randy Orton, No Disqualification

It’d be easy to rip the fact that HHH is the champion again, but he’s still putting on great matches and still gets a great response from the crowd. He has a personal battle with Randy Orton (his voices in his head talk to him) after Orton punted Vince and Shane McMahon in the head, and delivered the RKO to his real-life wife Stephanie (otherwise known as Vince’s daughter). You follow all that?

Outcome

Orton wins the belt with help from his lackeys in an old-school classic. The McMahon family drowns in sorrow at the 25th anniversary of their show.  Imig cries because he has to wait another year for the next WrestleMania, and because he can no longer talk in the third person.