Darth Fedor Must Destroy the Phallic Sword

All I have to say is, WHEW! It's good to be back. It's been awhile, and it's all on me; basically, I ran out of ideas. Now you're about to discover if I have any decent ones (ideas) left. In Jordans' life, this would be the point where he came back and dropped 55 on the Knicks, only on a much, much, MUCH (repeat "much" 7 million times) smaller scale. A few thoughts...

- After his armbar victory over MMA journeyman Ross Clifton, Ken Shamrock tested positive for three (count 'em!) banned substances and earned himself a one year suspension. Was there a single person who thought to themselves, "Wow! Not Ken Shamrock! I guess you never know about some people?" I think it's safe to say there weren't. It's only March, but this is already the front-runner for the "Least Surprising MMA Story of 2009". Ken's about two years away from turning into Randy "The Ram" Robinson.

- Regarding Lyoto vs. Rashad: I don't think people are making nearly enough noise about this fight. You have two undefeated fighters with contrasting yet equally effective styles entering their primes. Neither has really been in trouble in his UFC career, and it certainly isn't because they haven't been tested. I just feel a "Pedro-Randy I" vibe with this one, and I think it'll be remembered as such. Not to mention that this is one of those fights that could potentially suck...if it was a three rounder. And it's not. So let the chess match begin.

- Why is it that those dudes chirping about how "So-and-so should drop to 205! What's-his-nuts would be unstoppable at 170!" are precisely the same guys who make excuses for them when they come out and look like crap? You know the ones: "He just had a really rough cut, he looked gaunt and drawn out, because it was his first time. Next fight, he'll destroy." Um, what? Just because you have a power or strength disadvantage at your natural weight class does not mean you would be a guaranteed monster at the class directly beneath you. A lot of times, it has the opposite effect; this is why Mike Swick and Brandon Vera will never be champions. Sure, they're capable of a few lackluster victories over decent fighters, but they kill themselves cutting the weight, and when that moment presents itself during a fight where they would normally pounce, instead they're thinking about not getting taken down again or the fact that their arms are too tired to knock anybody out. Does the welterweight version of Mike Swick knock out Gideon Ray in 20 seconds? I say no. And I don't think I'm alone.

- Which brings me to my next point. What the hell is up with the "there should be two heavyweight classes" argument? Has everything that's happened in the history of MMA been an elaborate hallucination? People see Brock Lesnar look capable of actually eating Randy Couture, and they jump to a worse conclusion than Ben Affleck at the end of Chasing Amy. Fans make it seem like it's outright unfair that Couture should have to give up 50-60 pounds to fight Brock. He has four career fights! Lets slow down, folks.

And how could "Big" John McCarthy, the one guy who has probably seen more "Davids" beat "Goliaths" first-hand than anyone in MMA history, make the moronic argument that "well, I wouldn't want a featherweight to fight a light heavyweight. The weight difference is the same." You reffed Royce-Severn, for Gods sake! If you weigh 220 pounds, and you're solid, you have the potential to KO anybody, even if you're giving up a ton of weight. We have, like, 15 years of evidence to back this up. Think Cro Cop circa 2004-2006.

At heavyweight, anybody can get knocked out. And because of this argument, certain guys *cough cough* Nogueira *cough cough* (sorry, I had to) are putting on unnecessary weight and in turn are looking slower and more bloated than Bruce Bruce after a night in the champagne room at the Foxy Lady. Antonio, put the cookie down! It isn't helping! Fedor needs to come to the UFC and deal with this guy. All these new fans need the rude awakening of watching a pudgy 230 pound Russian easily disarm a 280-pound poster boy for whats' wrong with America. And he can. And he will.

- Speaking of Nogueira, the fight with Couture is happening about two years too late. Poor Nog sees about as well as Dick Cheney after three Jack-and-Cokes, and Randy is rusty after his year long cry-a-thon for more money. I'm not going to call either of them "done"...but it's close.

- A summary of yesterdays' Pistons-Heat debacle: Yeah, Wade stepped out of bounds on the last play, and yeah, Michael Curry didn't do us any favors by flipping out like Michael Moore every time he tells Wolf Blitzer how to do his job.

But the real reason we lost that game is because Rodney Stuckey doesn't see a wide open Tayshaun cutting to the basket and instead tries to go tit-for-tat with Wade by forcing a horrible jumper that Wade easily blocked. And whats' sad is that it was probably the play they drew up.

- Is it just me, or do B.J. Penn's jawline and head expand about a sixth of an inch every year? When he came into the game, he looked like a 15 year old Hawaiian kid. Now, he looks like a cross between Mr. Potato Head, a Cabbage Patch Kid, and Yoda. And he's one of MMA most adamant protestors of steroid use. Hmmm ....

(I can't believe I just wrote that, but I don't think anyones "alleged" steroid use would surprise me anymore. Royce desensitized me. Dakota Fanning could have been caught selling nandrolone out of her house and I would have been less surprised. Was my entire life a lie to that point? Was Jackie Robinson a covert member of the KKK? Did Martin Luther King rob and mug old ladies for sport? Is Tim Hardaway gay? Anything is possible when Royce Freaking Gracie tests positive for steroids. My god.)