WrestleMania's Untold Stories

Friends, the 25th anniversary of WrestleMania is 13 days away. I’ve been getting in the spirit by watching my WrestleMania Anthology on loop, and eagerly await the live event on April 5.

As an accredited WrestleMania historian, I would like to divulge a few of the lesser known subplots surrounding some of the greatest matches from the first 12 editions of WrestleMania. They’re quite something.

Andre the Giant/Big John Studd - WrestleMania

The $15,000 used in the Giant/Studd slam-match was a stipend paid by Hall of Famer Pat Patterson for the opportunity to wine and dine with guest timekeeper for the main event, Liberace. Mr. T said the dinner brought PAIN.

Randy Savage/Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat - WrestleMania III

After losing the Intercontinental Title to Steamboat, an incensed Macho Man created what is believed to be his first rap single. Titled “Gonna Crush Your Larynx”, the lyrics served as a warning to Miss Elizabeth that Savage was gonna slap her. Hard.

Andre the Giant/Hulk Hogan - WrestleMania III

During his postmatch physical exam, medical officials found remnants of Bobby Heenan’s right pinkie between Andre’s two front molars. Swab tests also showed the presence of Koko’s pet Frankie.

Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage - WrestleMania V

The Hulkster absorbed an entire bottle of baby oil prior to his prematch interview with the sole intent of arousing Gene Okerlund. Irate that Hogan would choose to arouse Okerlund over the conflicted Elizabeth, Macho Man assaulted everyone in sight.

Hulk Hogan/Ultimate Warrior - WrestleMania VI

Ultimate Warrior queered with the Hulkster at the main event of WrestleMania VI. Known as the “Ultimate Challenge”, Warrior interpreted it as a quest to answer once and for all whether homosexual procreation was possible. The act confirmed that it don’t make the world go ’round.

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Randy Savage/Ultimate Warrior - WrestleMania 7

After the Warrior was victorious in the career-ending matchup*, Sensational Queen Sherri kicked and humiliated a beaten Macho Man, forcing Elizabeth to enter the ring unannounced to save her man. Savage slapped the shit out of her.

Bret Hart/Rowdy Roddy Piper - WrestleMania 8

Gorilla Monsoon devoured four hot dogs and a Budweiser while Rowdy Roddy Piper contemplated hitting the Hitman with the ring bell. Bobby Heenan’s “WHAT THE HELL, USE THE BELL!!!” is my favorite snappy line of all time.

I still miss you, Gorilla. It’s deafening here on earth. It’s pandemonium!

Randy Savage/Ric Flair - WrestleMania 8

Though the Flair-promised centerfold of Miss Elizabeth never appeared, anonymous sources cited a nude pinup of Hacksaw Jim Duggan with 2X4 floating around the locker room. With no reason to slap anyone, Macho snapped into a Slim Jim.

* Randy Savage didn’t lose his career at WrestleMania 7

Bret Hart/Owen Hart - WrestleMania X

The phlegm on Owen’s left cheek during his post-victory stroll was preserved by MSG security, then sealed to a picture of Willis Reed in the hallowed halls of the Garden.

Razor Ramon/Shawn Michaels - WrestleMania X

The first Ladder Match in WrestleMania history was shrouded in controversy when referee Earl Hebner determined Razor Ramon’s chest hair was actually that of Jerry "The King" Lawler. Toxicology tests showed the glue-like substance that kept the hair on-chest was Ramon’s mullet activator juice.

Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels - WrestleMania 12

The ringside official whom Shawn Michaels inadvertently hit with Sweet Chin Music was taken to the hospital in Roddy Piper’s white Ford Bronco. The car—used as a weapon in Piper’s backlot brawl with Goldust—was driven by the Repo Man, after he repossessed it for Piper’s refusal to pay taxes—per Irwin R. Schyster.

Repo Man planned to leave the white Bronco with JYD, but he was ticketed on the way to the junkyard for speeding by the Big Boss Man. Boss Man called his buddy Duke Droese, who disposed of the Bronco at a location never revealed.

If you or anyone else has any information on the whereabouts of the Bronco, call the Unsolved Mysteries hot line at 1-800-876-5353.

Patrick Imig is going to WrestleMania this year, even though he didn’t win the Royal Rumble or qualify for the Money in the Bank ladder match.

Be jealous (as they say) at [e-mail]. Oh, and the part about going to WrestleMania is not satire. We hope to even do a few reports from the festivities.