ESPN College Hoops Analysts Get a Grip

We want to open this edition of the Media Circus with a statement of full disclosure, so here goes, ahem...(clearing throat).

“We realize and understand that many of the stupid things chronicled on these pages are a result of analysts and talking heads being placed in situations that dictate the overly obvious and/or overtly stupid. That never has, nor ever will stop we, the common fan, from ripping the sports media. Those guys have it coming.

The fact that any person with the ability to read and speak can replicate the performances of Digger Phelps and Hubert Davis this past weekend means that any person with the ability to read and speak can mock them accordingly.

And so we say in one voice, all of us as one sportsfan nation, enjoy the media madness. Thank you for nothing.

Crap That Actually Came From Somebody’s Mouth

“All those number one seeds are deserving and all four of those teams have a chance to go to a Final Four—a realistic chance of going to a Final Four, and winning a national championship.” - Hubert Davis

Say what you want, people, but Hubert came up with this idea on his own.

Here's another gem, this from ESPN analyst Jay Bilas.

“Often times, it’s the size of the post that bothers them the most.” - Bilas on Siena

This quote is only noteworthy because Bilas sounds like a guy who does the readings at church—so when he throws in rhymes, his words become downright mesmerizing, to Duke fans anyway.

This is a team that could steal a lot of bids if they win the Big 12 tournament” – Hubert Davis on Baylor before Saturday’s Big 12 championship game

Actually, it was pretty much a certainty that they could only steal one bid.

“I think the Committee, I really believe this, is going to have the toughest time getting down to those last four or five teams. I think we’re going to have the obvious screaming that we got robbed and we didn’t get a fair deal. I think they really have themselves a tough situation right here.” - Dick Vitale

It’s amazing how every single year around the morning of selection sunday, it’s determined that this year it will be more difficult than ever before to select the field. All we can say is that if the trend continues, it's going to be really hard for the committee in 2019.

“I’m a little surprised Arizona got in… I think the committee went with the power conferences, but when you look at it totally, I think they did basically a super job.” - Dick Vitale

Jay Bilas then responded with this dissenting opinion.

“I know you went to Duke and I didn’t go to Duke.” - Vitale to Bilas

Digger Phelps chimed in a similar dissenting opinion about Arizona to Dickie.

“You guys are right, Arizona belongs in so my argument means nothing.” - Dick Vitale

Safe to say, this segment for Dick was Awful with a capital 'A'!

Digger Versus Joe Lunardi: One on one

Having already sharpened his teeth on Dick Vitale’s Arizona argument, Mr. Phelps and his orange highlighter set their sites on little innocent bracketologist, Joey Lunardi.

Digger: “Joe, let’s look at Creighton in their last two games. They blow a 22-point lead against Wichita St. and are lucky to win that game. They get blown out against Illinois State. And now you’re telling me they’re better than Arizona. I don’t think so. When you look at personnel, Arizona is a better basketball team than Creighton.”

Joe Lunardi: “Then why have they only won once in three weeks?”

Digger Phelps: Silence

Digger Phelps:  “Joe, who wins a game right now between Creighton and Arizona?”

Joe Lunardi: “I have no idea.”

Digger Phelps: “Oh really?  I guess you don’t watch games then is what you’re saying.”

Joe Lunardi: “And you can’t know either, you just think you do”

Let us add a “suck on that, Digger.”

Dangerous, Full of Potential … and Dare We Say It … a Sleeper? Otherwise Known as Digger and Hubert’s house …

“(Missouri) is a very, very dangerous team, and I think this is the team that can come out of this bracket and get to the Final Four looking at the other teams they have to match up against.” - Digger Phelps

“(Villanova) is a team that could go far in the NCAA tournament. (They) have enough talent to make a run.” - Hubert Davis

“Another team to look at is Xavier. I think Xavier has a chance to come out of the East. Watch out for them.” - Hubert Davis

“Look for Gonzaga to go far in the NCAA Tournament.” - Hubert Davis

“(Marquette) is a team that could go far in the tournament.” - Hubert Davis

“Tennessee is very dangerous.” - Digger Phelps

“Michigan is a very dangerous team. They beat UCLA and Duke earlier this year” - Digger Phelps

“VCU, I’m telling you be careful, they beat Duke two years ago. They have a good team.” - Digger Phelps

For those of you keeping score at home, Digger Phelps and Hubert Davis both think two of the three seeds and two of the four seeds can go really far in the tournament. Really going out on a limb there guys.

You also need to watch out for pretty much every other team in the East and West brackets.

Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch, by Digger Phelps

Looking ahead to their inevitable, no-way-in-hell it won’t happen second round match-up against LSU, the Tar Heels need heed the warning of Digger Phelps:

“This is going to be a dangerous game for North Carolina … What Trent Johnson has done with this team, this team to me could be a surprise team, they got a tough draw playing Carolina.”

Thankfully Rece Davis is awake, and isn’t too sure about the 100% guaranteed notion of LSU defeating Butler in the first round eight Vs. nine match-up. Digger, however will have none of it.

“Butler has not impressed me the way they’ve played of late, they lost to Cleveland State. I don’t think so.”

People, email your congressmen and tell them to implore the Butler Bulldogs to stay home. In these dire economic times, we can’t afford to have a college basketball team traveling to and from an out-of-state arena when it’s a 100% lock they’re going to lose anyway. Do society a favor, Bulldogs, and stay the hell home.

Bilas and Gottleib Detained by Innuendo Police

According to Jay Bilas, the Villanova Wildcats will treat Coach K and the Blue Devils like cheap, sweaty whores.

“Those are the kind of teams that can really bother Duke; teams that can spread you and drive you.”

Jay’s Bristol colleague Doug Gottlieb isn’t sure about spreading you and driving you, but he does think the Cardinals’ size will freeze Michigan State.

“I think their length will give the Spartans a problem.”

And thus we conclude our Media Circus segment sponsored by John F. Kennedy Junior High.

Bracketology Summation, by Bobby Knight

“I just think the whole idea of seeding is kind of ridiculous.”

Joe Lunardi must be pissed.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

Perhaps you have gathered from the overwhelming theme of this week’s Media Circus  that while we mock ESPN Gameday our fair share, clearly they were able to score us as viewers over the weekend. And it wasn’t only us watching—a certain snappy line guru was keeping a close ear to the situation at ESPN, looking for some material to send the thumbs skyward. He wasn’t disappointed.

(paraphrasing) “They ought to fire the offensive coordinators of the Big 10 schools” - Digger Phelps

“Why is that? Because some of their games have been…offensive” - Rece Davis

Get it? He’s offended by watching the games. Well, you may not think it’s funny, but the Bobber is in tears over here and frankly that’s all that matters.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at [e-mail]