The 25 Things You Didn't Know About St. Louis Cardinals Spring Training

March 9, 2009

In light of the most recent Facebook phenomenon—the “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me”—I thought it would be appropriate to do the same thing, Cards Spring Training style. Without further ado, here we go…

1) When LaRussa expressed to the media the idea of “borrowing” pitchers during the spring due to the team's shallow depth of arms, he was referring to using Bob Gibson, Bruce Sutter, and GM John Mozeliak (just out of spite).

2) Mark Mulder and Jason Isringhausen actually arrived in Jupiter on February 15 when pitchers and catchers reported. After a light game of catch, however, both were escorted to the team doctor due to their arms falling off.

3) Colby Rasmus is required to polish Albert Pujols’ glove and shoes. In between innings.

4) To celebrate his tenth season in the Majors, Jason LaRue will be sporting a new “fro-hawk” this year to complement his fu-man-chu.

5) When Jim Edmonds tried to report to camp, he was not allowed in—not because he played for the Cubs, but due to the fact that there was simply no more room for him in the outfield.

6) Chris Duncan confessed that the dislocated disc in his neck, an injury that sidelined him for most of last season, was caused by the strain of chewing too much tobacco.

7) Last week, Chris Carpenter screamed “OW, OH GOD, I THINK SOMETHING POPPED!” in a bullpen session. LaRussa met a chuckling Carpenter on the mound, who later confessed that he enjoys nothing more than scaring the crap out of his 64-year old manager.

8) When Adam Wainwright tried to pull the same stunt on his repaired finger, he was told to do laps around Roger Dean Stadium. Red Schoendienst followed in a golf cart.

9) While it was reported that Brendan Ryan is currently sidelined due to tendinitis in his arm, the injury is actuality in his tongue. The mouth muscle finally disintegrated after Ryan’s constant licking of his shoulder during at-bats. The second baseman could not be reached for comment.

10) John Mozeliak tried to sign Scott Spiezio on as the club’s new closer. When asked why, the GM answered “Did you SEE the stuff he had when he pitched relief in ’07?”

11) Due to the current recession, the Cardinals front office has admitted that they do not expect to draw in their annual 3 million fans. The price of a 16 oz beer, however, will remain $6.50.

12) Rick Ankiel reported to camp with pitchers and catchers early, saying that he was finally ready to revitalize his pitching career. The Cardinals knew he was kidding when Ankiel's first pitch landed in section 302.

13) When asked what inspired Skip Schumaker to take ground balls from a 95mph pitching machine, the outfielder-turned-second baseman responded “the movie Happy Gilmore.”

14) Ryan Ludwick is planning to hold an exclusive interview with ESPN’s Peter Gammons. The All-Star right fielder is to confess that, due to being operated on so much, he legally became a robot during the 2001 season. Because there were no rules on robots in baseball at the time, Bud Selig is not planning to punish Ludwick.

15) Brian Barton, known for his strange choice of jazz music before at-bats, was told to change to hip-hop this spring or face having to go back building spaceships for a living.

16) Jason Motte recently admitted that he changed from being catcher to pitcher because he felt uncomfortable having a large man yelling and breathing heavily behind his back every night for 3 hours.

17) When John Mozeliak was asked why he traded for new shortstop Kahlil Greene, he responded “Well, we wanted to be aggressive and get a new shortstop, but creative as well. But we didn’t want to overpay at the same time. And we wanted to see what we could get out of our organization. Basically, we wanted to be aggressive, but in a money-saving, resourceful sort of way.  Besides he’s kind of a bigger version of David Eckstein, so we thought it might work.”

18) Cards owner Bill DeWitt was unable to be reached for comments on the team’s spring performance and how the recession will affect the team & fans due to currently being on five-star cruise line in Guam with his family.

19) When Joel Piniero was pulled out of Saturday’s game after two solid innings, the pitcher was shocked, saying that he was “heartbroken” and felt “disrespected” for being removed so early on.

20) Dave Duncan, known as the “Silent Assassin,” spoke his first words of camp the other day after a poor outing by Kyle Lohse. Due to the nature of his vocabulary, absolutely none of what he said can legally be printed.

21) When Tony LaRussa was asked who he’d rather save from a burning building, Albert Pujols or his lifelong dog Milo, LaRussa threatened to retire if ever given that sort of question again.

22) Jose Oquendo, a.k.a. “The Secret Weapon,” and manager of team Puerto Rico in the World Baseball Classic (WBC), has reportedly already played every position in every one of their games.

23) In other news out of the WBC, Yadier Molina has reportedly been banned from playing in anymore games, as they have found that virtually no player is capable of stealing off of him.

24) Stan Musial was noticed swinging a bat with Albert Pujols in the batting cages. When the two came out together, Pujols was seen walking away crying.  

25) Chris Perez is expected to announce on St. Patrick’s Day that he is not Irish, but in fact is St. Louis Post Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz’s son.