Why the Portland Trail Blazers and Adam Morrison Are the Perfect Marriage

The basketball gods have aligned themselves and created the perfect NBA marriage—Adam Morrison and the Portland Trail Blazers.

Adam Morrison is the epitome of irony in today’s NBA. If a team is going to connect itself to an ironic player of Morrison’s stature, that team needs to make itself home in a hipster haven. In the NBA, the two biggest hipster markets are Brooklyn and Portland.

While Brooklyn is trying to contend for a title, Portland is merely trying to contend for a first-round playoff exit to be sure it doesn’t have to deal with the pressure of a possible No. 1 draft pick in 2013.

That’s what makes Portland the perfect fit for Adam Morrison.

With the retirement of Brian Scalabrine, Morrison inherits the title of Worst NBA Player That Most Fans Have Heard Of.

Don’t get me wrong. The guy was great at Gonzaga. He is better than your average pickup baller. He would skunk me in a game of one-on-one. At the same time, I’m pretty sure JaMarcus Russell would put me to shame in the now-defunct NFL Quarterback Challenge.

The biggest difference is people in Portland are going to cheer for Morrison no matter what—if any—his on-court contributions are.

Morrison is in a prime position to assume the role of "guy on the bench cameras gravitate toward." He needs to become the towel-waver Portland hasn’t had since Patty Mills left.

He needs to be the high-fiver Portland lost when it dealt Marcus Camby.

Morrison has that ability.

In a city that loves irony as much as it loves awful facial hair, Adam Morrison can become a superstar. He has proved his mustache is up to the challenge. He has proved his game is bad enough to be cheered for by thousands. All that’s left is being embraced by a new city.

Morrison couldn’t have picked a better city than Portland.

Welcome, Adam. We’re ready to love you. As long as you never step foot on the court.

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