The Altruistic Pete Carroll (Satire)

Jimmy Chitwood www.dbbsports.com

Feb 26, 2009

USC football coach Pete Carroll has earned acclaim for his anti-gang foundation A Better L.A. But in an online exclusive, Daily Ballbreakers has learned that the foundation is actually a front created by rival Pac-10 coaches to distract Carroll, the bubbly, effervescent man with the shortest attention span in college football.

The connection was discovered following a recent 60 Minutes profile of Carroll’s efforts to reach out to young men in South Central’s most battle-scarred neighborhoods.

A segment in the profile stated, “And Carroll is doing this just two days after a big win over Ohio State.” However, Daily Ballbreakers has learned that the appearance was also 10 days before USC’s only loss of the season, at Oregon State.

In what initially appeared to be a dramatic coincidence, Carroll’s foundation was created in 2006—following two national titles, three Heisman Trophies, and a 34-game winning streak for the Trojans.

TOP NEWS

Since the foundation’s inception, roughly 12 potential gang members have been steered onto the right path, but the Trojans have failed to return to the national title game and have not had a player place higher than eighth in the Heisman voting.

Further investigation uncovered the link between A Better L.A. and a coalition of rival schools, including but not limited to Cal’s Jeff Tedford, Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh, Oregon’s Mike Bellotti, and Oregon State’s Mike Riley. Notre Dame’s Charlie Weis was reportedly invited to join the coalition, but confused the group’s meeting place at the Biltmore Hotel with Blimpie Burger.

Representatives from the accused schools refused to comment on the report.

But a number of prominent USC football boosters were reportedly incensed by Daily Ballbreakers’ findings. One Cardinal and Gold member angrily stated, “Who cares if he can solve the Crips-Bloods feud if he can’t solve Oregon State in Corvallis?”

Another high-ranking member of the Guardians of Troy—comprised entirely of donors giving $500,000 or more annually—wished to remain anonymous but hinted the university may have been aware of the plot.

“We had all heard rumors, but we couldn’t really say anything because Pete gets such a kick out of helping the community,” the booster said. “But this link really isn’t surprising. How else could a team with more talent than Florida, Texas and Ohio State combined lose to teams like Oregon State and Stanford?”

The booster said Carroll’s concern about the greater good is a disturbing trend.

“Larry Smith used to deliver turkeys to homeless shelters on Thanksgiving. That and 3-8 will get you fired.

“At the same time, John McKay not only ignored L.A.’s social ills, he used to run over homeless people on Jefferson Boulevard en route to Heritage Hall. And he was a winner. Coincidence? And everybody knows Howard Jones—excuse me, multiple national champion Howard Jones—liked to murder orphans with a tire iron in his spare time.”

The booster speculated that, should the coalition continue to distract Carroll from his true calling, the coach’s legacy could be tainted forever.

“Wait 'til Pete finds out about L.A.’s rampant AIDS problem. Then he’ll spend even more time out in the community, and we’ll be really screwed.”