100 Funniest Sports Quotes

Zack Pumerantz@z_pumerantzAnalyst IIIAugust 21, 2012

100 Funniest Sports Quotes

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    When the bell dings and the whistle blows, athletes and coaches are all business. Speed, power and grace are stirred together in an effort to achieve greatness on the playing field. But away from it, with microphones in their faces, things don't always go as smoothly.

    There are tantrums in the heat of the moment (just ask Jim "Playoffs?!" Mora), as well as tearful attempts at forgiveness (just ask Terrell "That's my quarterback" Owens). But we're ready to approach the humorous extreme—the funniest quotes in sports.

    Nothing's off limits with these closet comics masquerading as sports personalities.

100. Former Footballer George Best

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    I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!

    Betting on the Knicks.

99. NBA Forward Metta World Peace

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    I love the tension. I love when everything’s going wrong. ... In the NBA, they don’t promote guys like me. They like guys who like Cheerios, good guys. But I find a way to promote myself.

    Next question: Do you eat Cheerios?

    Metta World Peace: On occasion.

98. Former NFL Linebacker Matt Millen

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    To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom, too (after Redskins lineman Joe Jacoby stated he'd "...run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl").

    Easily the greatest trash talk ever occurred before Super Bowl XVIII, when Redskins offensive lineman Joe Jacoby sparked this memorable back-and-forth. Matt Millen would add to his comedic resume when he began drafting wide receivers every year as Detroit's general manager.

97. Former MLB Outfielder Oscar Gamble

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    They don’t think it be like it is, but it do.

    Do be do be do.

96. England Footballer David Beckham

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    I can play in the center, on the right and occasionally on the left side.

    When asked if he was a volatile player, David Beckham responded with confidence. Versatile, volatile, same thing.

95. Hall of Fame NFL Receiver Jerry Rice

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    I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.

    Yeah, that's definitely going to be a tough one.

94. Rugby Legend Murray Mexted

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    You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that.

    Hold your horses—hooker is a rugby position. Culture shock for most Americans.

    During his playing days, New Zealand's Murray Mexted was considered a brilliant ball-winner and a reliable defender. As a commentator, well, he's purely an artist.

93. NBA Guard Tracy McGrady

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    My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.

    If only he'd stopped halfway, T-Mac could've achieved greatness.

92. Former College Receiver Torrin Polk

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    He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

    The former Houston receiver was clearly a fan of coach Joint Jenkins. Did he let them wear mascara and coverup too?

91. Speed Channel Host Bob Varsha

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    The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.

    Formula One is far more intricate than we initially believed. But let's add one foot to the mouth for Speed Channel personality Bob Varsha.

90. Former NFL Coach Bum Phillips

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    Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.

    ...On why he brings his wife on road trips. Just this fur-wearing legend's way of saying he loves her.

89. NFL Receiver Chad Johnson

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    I'm traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop 85.

    We're still waiting to hear back about that last one...

88. Former Rays General Manager Chuck LaMar

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    The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level.

    Ah, the key to success. It all makes sense now.

87. Former MLB Utility Man Pedro Guerrero

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    Sometimes they write what I say, not what I mean.

    It's not like the media is bulimic (thank you Zoolander).

86. NFL Tight End Kellen Winslow

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    I'm a !@#$ing soldier.

    !@#$ is the next level up beyond soldier.

85. Former MLB Executive Philip Wrigley

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    Baseball is too much of a sport to be a business and too much of a business to be a sport.

    Going to have to respectfully disagree on both points.

84. NFL Receiver Randy Moss

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    When you're rich, you don't write checks. ... Straight cash, homey.

    Sound advice, Randy.

83. NBA Guard Jason Kidd

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    We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

    It was a brilliant statement after his Mavs won the title in 2011. That was the only time.

82. Former LT Victim Joe Theismann

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    Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

    Definitely no geniuses here.

81. Former NHL Center Jeremy Roenick

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    Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person.

    Underneath the rough exterior is a kind gent clawing for recognition.

80. Former NFL Offensive Lineman Randy Cross

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    The NFL, like life, is full of idiots.

    This smile makes him top three.

79. Hall of Fame Shortstop Phil Rizzuto

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    I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all of those handshakes.

    None compare to this one.

78. NBA Legend Michael Jordan

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    I've never lost a game. I just ran out of time. (From the autobiography For the Love of the Game)

    It's beliefs like this that made Air Jordan the greatest ever.

77. Former Career Home Run Leader Hank Aaron

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    It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

    Modest as usual.

76. Former NFL Defensive Back Spider Lockhart

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    The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.

    Even that didn't stop him.

75. Former NBA Guard Latrell Sprewell

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    Why would I want to help them win a title? They're not doing anything for me. I've got a lot at risk here. I've got my family to feed. (After turning down a three-year, $21 million contract offer from the Minnesota Timberwolves.)

    Seven million may not be enough for room-to-room Jacuzzis and moving walkways. Not sure about getting "fed."

74. NFL Coach Bill Belichick

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    I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers.

    Ouch town, population you bro.

73. Boxing Trainer Lou Duva

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    He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

    On the training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota. He's just a six o'clock kind of dude.

72. Hall of Fame NBA Forward Karl Malone

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    I ain't gonna be no escape-goat.

    Still might be a scapegoat.

71. Former NBA Guard Sherman Douglas

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    I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.

    They'll be harder after shooting your mouth in your foot.

70. Author Dave Barry

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    The problem with winter sports is that—follow me closely here—they generally take place in winter.

    Whoa, glad we hung in there.

69. Hall of Fame NBA Forward Charles Barkley

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    These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it. 

    Maybe they'll provoke us to do Weight Watchers too.

68. Four-Time World Champion Jerry Coleman

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    A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.

    There is no truer statement.

67. Pulitzer Prize-Winning Author George Will

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    Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona.

    Also true. And the aurora borealis is only a wrestling match between stars.

66. Former NBA Forward Antoine Walker

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    Because there are no fours (on why he takes so many threes).

    Antoine Walker with his best release yet. Pure genius.

65. MLB Legend Pete Rose

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    I'd be willing to bet you, if I was a betting man, that I have never bet on baseball.

    That makes one of us.

64. Three-Time Masters Champion Jimmy Demaret

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    Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

    And buffalo wings. Those can get messy.

63. Former Footballer Terry Venables

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    If history is going to repeat itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

    A safe assumption.

62. Baby Crossover Legend Allen Iverson

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    We talkin' about practice?

    Not a game, not a game, not a game. Not the game you die for.

    15.5 practices and counting.

61. Former NFL Lineman Lincoln Kennedy

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    I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot

    Lincoln Kennedy with an intriguing perspective on voting.

60. Former NFL Coach Mike Ditka

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    What's the difference between a three-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining.

    We're talking to the juice box guy.

59. Former College Basketball Coach Shelby Metcalf

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    Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject

    In response to a player telling Metcalf he had four F's and one D. Simply building on the positives.

58. Weight Watchers Poster Boy Charles Barkley

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    Yeah, I regret we weren't on a higher floor.

    Sir Charles' thoughts on tossing a man out of a first-floor window. Epic as always.

57. Career Steals Leader Rickey Henderson

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    Well, Rickey's not one of them, so that's 49 percent right there.

    In response to being confronted by a reporter curious about Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50 percent of major leaguers use the juice. An entire percent for Rickey.

56. College Football Coach Steve Spurrier

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    But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

    Former Gators coach Steve Spurrier telling fans that an Auburn dorm fire had wrecked 20 books.


55. Former MLB Journeyman Joe Garagiola

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    I went through baseball as a player to be named later.

    That's a prestigious role. The most mysterious dudes in sports.

54. Former MLB Relief Pitcher Rod Beck

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    I've never seen anyone go on the DL with pulled fat.

    Can the real Kenny Powers please stand up?

53. Former NFL Coach Jim Mora

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    What's that? Ah – Playoffs? Don't talk about – playoffs?! You kidding me?! Playoffs?! I just hope we can win a game.

    Have fun getting that sound out of your ears. Playoffs!?

52. Former Saints General Manager Jim Fink

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    I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.

    Point taken.

51. Former College Football Coach Bill Peterson

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    You guys line up alphabetically by height.

    This could be a long season coach.

50. Metro Radio

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    Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

    Thanks to the Metro Radio Sports Commentary, the Olympics became solid archive material.

49. Hall of Fame MLB Outfielder Andre Dawson

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    I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

    Gonna take a shot in the dark here and say that's not what you mean.

48. NBA Executive Pat Williams

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    We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

    Have to give Orlando's senior vice president credit for thinking outside the box. He's trying.

47. Former NFL Coach Tom Landry

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    Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.

    And sometimes it's so unbelievable, it's beyond belief.

46. Hall of Fame MLB Catcher Johnny Bench

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    I was thinking about making a comeback, until I pulled a muscle vacuuming

    ...When asked how he felt about Carlton Fisk breaking his career homeruns for a catcher record. Vacuums continue to educate us.

45. Blues Legend Eddie Shaw

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    He has turned defensive boxing into a poetic art. Trouble is, nobody ever knocked anybody out with a poem.

    Kind words for Herol "Bomber" Graham. Can his poems sell is the question.

44. Footballing Legend Kevin Keegan

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    The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!

    There's not a lot to say, so touche will do.

43. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield

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    I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

    At least it gave him a chance to scream "I don't get no respect" all game long.

42. Hall of Fame NBA Center Wilt Chamberlain

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    They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds.

    After scoring 100 points in a game, you don't have to worry about perfection.

41. Former College Basketball Coach Abe Lemons

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    There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.

    The latter seems more of a musical.

40. Former NBA Center Shaquille O'Neal

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    I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

    Typical Shaq when asked if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece. The numbing result of watching too much Jersey Shore.

39. Australian Golfer Greg Norman

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    I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

    Toilets swirling the opposite direction and more than two parents, life down under takes getting used to.

38. Journalist Steve Rushin

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    By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series

    Factual and punch-lined, what a finish for "The Pint Man" novelist.

37. Former MLB Second Baseman Tito Fuentes

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    They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.

    At least fellow father of the year candidate Antonio Cromartie knows how many he has. Whether he can name them is another issue.

36. Former College Basketball Coach Weldon Drew

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    We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.

    The greatest team slogan of all time.

35. Former MLB Outfielder Carl Everett

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    The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

    And thus cemented a journeyman career. Few teams could listen for long.

34. Broadcaster/Comedian Shaquille O'Neal

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    I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak.

    You chose the right field my man.

33. Former NFL Running Back George Rogers

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    I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards. Whichever comes first.

    Both would be nice.

32. Former NFL Tight End Shannon Sharpe

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    Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him, I'd pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the type of guy Ray Lewis is.

    Let's have him fight a Grizzly so we can dress him up as a salmon. Could be an epic heavyweight.

31. MLB Icon Casey Stengel

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    I was such a dangerous hitter I even got intentional walks in batting practice.

    So he essentially dominated with no practice.

30. Boxing Great Mike Tyson

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    Fade into Bolivian, I guess.

    This makes no sense on any level, but Bolivia could be a legitimate retirement spot for Iron Mike. It's landscapes are legendary.

29. Former NFL Safety Doug Plank

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    Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.

    That's not a favorable or safe combination.

28. Football Manager Ruud Gullit

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    We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

    His math skills may have played a part.

27. Former NBA Center Charles Shackleford

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    I can dribble with my right hand and I can dribble with my left hand. I'm amphibious.

    Let's run that back...

26. NFL Icon John Madden

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    Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.

    John "Captain Obvious" Madden with his usual craftiness.

25. Former NHL Goaltender Jacques Plante

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    Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you?

    Take note Ricky Gervais, red lights need to be incorporated into The Office immediately. Could be epic.

24. MLB Broadcaster Harry Caray

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    Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?

    The three Ss seem necessary as well. Shart, shave, shower.

23. Legendary MLB Announcer Ralph Kiner

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    The Mets just had their first .500-or-better April since July of 1992

    As a Mets fan, this makes sense.

22. Former MLB Manager Lou Piniella

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    Statistics are like bikinisthey show a lot but not everything.

    Eloquent and subtle. Not Lou Piniella's style.

21. NBA Coach Doug Collins

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    Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.

    60 percent of the time it works, every time.

20. MLB Comedian Bob Uecker

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    I led the league in "Go get 'em next time.

    "Juuuuuust a bit outside" is a close second.

19. Former MLB Pitcher Tug Mcgraw

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    I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.

    Easily the greatest possible response to being asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf. Tug McGraw was a pioneer in the humor industry.

18. Tattoo Enthusiast Mike Tyson

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    He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.

    Mike Tyson with the honest encore.

17. Legendary Boxer Muhammad Ali

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    I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

    There may have been no athlete better at verbally battering an enemy. Ali was a legendary story teller.

16. Hall of Fame NBA Forward Dennis Rodman

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    Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

    Or something is right. In Dennis Rodman's case, all that ever mattered was setting fashion trends.

15. Legendary College Basketball Coach Bob Knight

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    If the NBA were on channel five and a bunch of frogs making love was on channel four, I'd watch the frogs even if they were coming in fuzzy.

    Every Wednesday, 7:30 sharp. Someone's addicted to Animal Planet.

14. Comedian Robin Williams

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    I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.


13. Heavyweight Legend Rocky Graziano

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    I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

    If it wasn't for a silent "P," we'd have missed out on many more legendary careers.

12. Former NFL Coach Bill Cowher

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    We're not attempting to circumcise rules.

    How would that even go?

11. Golfing Great Tiger Woods

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    Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like pimps.

    Couldn't have said it better Tiger, but where's the fur jacket?

10. Former NBA Center Chuck Nevitt

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    My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.

    Chuck Nevitt's savvy wasn't properly distributed throughout his 7'5" frame. Just ask former N.C. State coach Jim Valvano.

9. NHL Legend Gordie Howe

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    All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.

    And great "yo-mama" jokes for sure. It's a key element to victory.

8. NBA Forward Drew Gooden

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    I've had to overcome a lot of diversity.

    Most of the adversity you've faced featured questions about the beard you seemingly tore off of Bob Marley's head (pictured).

7. Former MLB Journeyman Matt Stairs

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    “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys, there’s no better feeling than to have that done."

    Ass-hammered might not have been the most eloquent word choice, but point noted. Nothing like the pro game.

6. Former College Football Coach Bob Green

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    We got to practice a little bit. I want these guys to be bouncing around like a pogo stick on Viagra.

    Any Bob Greenism will do.

5. Hall of Fame MLB Catcher Yogi Berra

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    Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

    Yogi Berra thrived during a time when rocks, toes and abacuses were used to keep track. Clearly effective.

4. Racehorse Trainer Ted Walsh

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    This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.

    Hopefully you took her to a nice seafood dinner beforehand like a gentleman.

3. Hall of Fame NFL Quarterback Terry Bradshaw

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    I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

    Now I may be an idiot, but there is one thing I am not, sir, and that, sir, is an idiot (provided by Peter Griffin).

2. Boxing Legend Muhammad Ali

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    It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

    Just the natural order of things, according to the legendary pair of fisticuffs.

1. Boxing Trainer Lou Duva

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    You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.

    We can sum up boxing trainer Lou Duva in two words as well: Champ.  

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