The 50 Worst Haircuts in Sports

Zack Pumerantz@z_pumerantzAnalyst IIIAugust 14, 2012

The 50 Worst Haircuts in Sports

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    A typical early morning routine features a sluggish wake-up, the aromatic brewing of coffee, a tough decision regarding striped or spotted socks and a combing session. That's just for the average Joe.

    Athletes, coaches and front office blowhards, however, demand a more radical creation. To build their legacy, they need a cut that really makes a statement. One that sets a tone. 

    High-profile signings, scandals, heartbreaking beat-downs. Time heals all wounds, but not horrific hairdos. When it's all said and done, these confused individuals will be remembered most for their relationship with scissors and a brush.

    Grab those clippers and enjoy the 50 worst haircuts in sports.

    Baby powder won't heal these razor burns.

50. Chris Kaman's Strands

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    Some might say they're relatives, but we believe Chris Kaman to be a pampered, facial-ed and Bosley-infused version of the Crypt Keeper.

    But for some reason, whispers of "my precious" flood the mind.

49. Bronson Arroyo's Braids

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    Sure, he's an official rock star, but pitcher Bronson Arroyo took creativity to a new extreme when he put immense stress on his scalp during this memorable shot.

    Unless he's singing Reggae, this is unacceptable. Covering the Goo Goo Dolls doesn't quite fit that genre.

48. Ben Roethlisberger's Rooster Wreck

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    Following easily the worst pick of his career, Steel City signal-caller Ben Roethlisberger should consider laying low for awhile. Seriously, brick killed a guy.

    He looks ready to strap on those overalls, grab some hay to chew on and tend to his cattle.

47. Scot Pollard's Head of Fire

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    This NBA journeyman knew that 4.4 points per game wouldn't leave much of a carving in the basketball record books, so he made the veteran decision and changed his style. Mohawk time.

    Just don't forget to stop, drop and roll.

46. Brandon Jennings' Swayed Style

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    This young Buck can clearly ball.

    But as the old saying goes: Dress for the job you want, not the job you've got. Pick a side, bro, that thing is making us seasick.

45. Benoit Assou-Ekotto's Stinky Streak

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    We're always loving the Afro; that much is certain.

    But the skunk infusion isn't as flattering as we once believed.

    Correction: never believed.

44. Andrei Kirilenko's Boy Band Bowl

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    He's not the first athlete to rep the Justin Bieber hairstyle, but Andrei Kirilenko (dubbed AK-47) may be the furthest from perfecting it.

    Maybe the NBA forward was tired of the Ivan Drago comparisons when he donned the gel-loaded spikes.

43. Dana Holgorsen's Free Flow

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    West Virgina head coach Dana Holgorsen has always been seen as a brilliant offensive mind. His Mountaineers even finished last season 10-3.

    But while his players and fans clearly love him, his hair does not. It seems to be clawing for freedom, in the same manner Donald Trump's toupee yearns for an escape.

42. Fui Vakapuna's Bald Escape

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    Intimidation at its finest.

    Or perhaps this was more of a career-defining trim. My chances of making a team are fading, as is my 'do.

41. Eli Manning's Bountiful Bristles

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    Aw shucks, bro.

    That's how studly Eli Manning was feeling on this windy day, when his loaded head of hair began searching for a way out. But he came through in the fourth quarter with a majestic trim.

40. Cal Clutterbuck's Combed Defeat

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    If he was a bright, young litigator looking to make a name for himself, this flawless comb-over might impress the gods.

    But winger Cal Clutterbuck is a feared NHL hitter who looks to prey on oblivious puck-carriers. This boyish approach is simply atrocious.

39. Tony Allen's Silvertip Trim

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    Tony Allen's Grizzly, new haircut was ferocious, regal and obscure.

    And of course, liked salmon.

38. Djibril Cisse's Work of Art

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    In case France forgets to embrace their beloved footballer's strangely engraved hair, Djibril Cisse's ferocious yelp should garner attention.

    Mess with a barber, you get a wreckage.

37. Spencer Hawes' Needle-Point Dedication

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    While we love the Supersonics loyalty from the Seattle-born center, Spencer Hawes' Space Needle carving needs a slight touch-up.

    A picture of Jimi Hendrix ripping his Gibson might have defined the city more properly.

36. Aly Cissokho's Aged Approach

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    Unlike most aging men, French footballer Aly Cissokho decided to embrace a prematurely grey flow.

    Going down like a champ.

35. Daniel Gibson's No. 1 Spot

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    If by "1" he means backup on the lottery-bound Cavs, then kudos to Boobie Gibson for the abstract definition.

    Maybe this carving is a modern-art display, something we can never understand but continue to question.

34. David Beckham's Ponytail Parade

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    There are few cuts England's David Beckham hasn't tried. Correction: none.

    And some might even nominate his braid attempt as the worst (although he looked far happier there), but we'll tackle this sinewy mane instead.

    We can only assume this was a Posh Spice-inspired experiment.

33. Hermes Franca's Light Show

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    Rather than walk to the local barber like a normal person, Brazilian mixed martial artist Hermes Franca decided to tear a page out of Jackson Pollock's portfolio.

    Just dipping his hair into various paints like a true artist. A pioneer in the expressionist movement.

32. Logan Morrison's Comedic Sense

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    Considering this is a dude who once tweeted, "Relationship tip of the day: if ur partner say 'I love u' & ur not ready try responding 'I love YouTube'. 60% of the time it works everytime," we're not exactly shocked by his comical cut.

    Logan Morrison doing his thing, as usual.

31. Tracy Porter's Horror Show

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    Scrap the easily defeated Mario ghosts and turn back the clock, Mr. Porter. You don't want to seem weak. 

    Stewie Griffin shooting a Seahawk was a clear-cut winner.

30. Curtis Painter's Masterpiece

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    This bottle-blond benchwarmer seems ready to embrace the chilly pine for the rest of his career.

    But his golden locks seem far more eager to shine.

29. Neymar's Indecision

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    An inability to decide between a "fauxhawk" and a Mohawk left Brazilian footballer Neymar staring aimlessly at the barber.

    We've got a similar look on our faces.

28. J.R. Smith's Receding Indent

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    Apparently, barber shops in China haven't quite mastered the Bishop hairstyle.

    Or J.R. Smith is subtly, yet despicably mocking LeBron James' annually receding hairline.

27. Dirk Nowitzki's Youthful Revolt

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    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Welcome to draft day 1998.

    There's nothing like the monstrous mushroom trim to truly get the crowd in a frenzy. This is one shot Dirk would love to forget about.

    We far prefer his barbaric-warrior flow of today.

26. Bas Savage's Heroic Attempt

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    He catches thieves just like flies. He's got radioactive blood. He can swing from a thread.

    He is...English striker Bas Savage.

25. Patrick Kane's Trashed Mullet

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    Apparently, we're not the only ones displeased with Patrick Kane's handling of the historic mullet.

    "It's embarrassing," said former Canuck Tanner Glass. "He kind of mocks the mullet. I'm not too pleased with that to be honest."


24. Bryce Harper's Bro Bangs

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    Most MLB prospects try to avoid looking like complete tools when they finally get their long-awaited call-up, but former first-overall-pick Bryce "That's a clown question, bro" Harper clearly does things a little differently.

    Davy Crockett would be rubbing his chin in disappointment.

23. Salomon Kalou's Webbed Weirdness

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    Don't move, bro. Be very still. I will conquer this creature.(the mind of) Didier Drogba

    If there was ever a time when a look was worth thousands upon thousands (racks on racks on racks) of words, well, you know the deal.

    Salomon Kalou's spider 'do was clearly fascinating to his former teammate. Through sheer focus, Drogba seemed ready to defeat his prey.

22. Bacary Sagna's Sparked Snakes

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    As perhaps the best right-back in the Premier League, French footballer Bacary Sagna can do whatever he wants with his hair.

    And to be honest, the braids of steel are almost growing on us. Like an uncomfortable fungus.

21. Kevin Grosskreutz's Trusting Nature

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    Remember attempting to cut your own hair as a 10-year-old and, of course, failing miserably?

    Well, this is what happened when German footballer Kevin Grosskreutz let his teammates do the job.

20. Thomas Denny's Fist-Pumping Spikes

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    To compliment his thick strands of weirdness, mixed martial artist Thomas Denny perfected the haunting grin. Meet Pauly D as a fighter.

    He certainly picked the right profession (see: Brock Lesnar).

19. Tim Tebow's Friar Finish

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    A style hasn't fit an individual this well since Billy Preston fashioned his vibrant and constantly growing 'fro during his 1975 "Nothing from Nothing" performance.

    Friar Te-bro. Epic.

18. Carlos Boozer's Strange Growth

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    Spam, ravioli, whole's all been canned and it's all failed mightily.

    For some reason, it seems as if Bulls forward Carlos Boozer believed he could defy the odds and make hair from a can look good. Let's try the spray paint next time, big guy.

17. Mason Brodine's Hectic Hazing

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    Forget carrying shoulder pads, being tied to a goalpost or riding tiny, pink bikes. NFL rookie hazing hit a new low when Raiders defensive end Mason Bro-dine was given the fashion beat-down of his lifetime.

    What a clown haircut, bro.

16. Chris Andersen's Fluorescent Feathers

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    Chris "Birdman" Andersen has never been shy about expressing himself (whole sleeves on his arms, neck, entire body done, thank you, Wiz Khalifa). But this golden-lock explosion makes the lanky eccentric the ideal replacement for Gene Hackman in the drag-queen scene of The Birdcage.

15. Brian Engblom's Generational Fail

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    NHL analyst Brian Engblom did something we thought we'd never see. Fashion a mullet-toupee.

    Just an utter disgrace to naturally glistening mullets worldwide. Pitiful.

14. Fabio Ferreira's Animalistic Annihilation

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    Even the Brazilian footballer, himself, can't contain a chuckle regarding his artistic flair. 

    Remove both white ends and we've got something acceptable.

13. Metta World Peace's Botched Blond

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    Taking team loyalty to a new level, the man once known as Ron Artest seems fully dedicated to the Purple and Gold.

    Few can truly grace the blond, though, and the now-peaceful-but-still-ridiculous NBA forward is not one of them.

12. Gene Keady's Pavement

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    This just in: After further study, shoe polish does in fact make an efficient hair product.

    Just don't tilt the head.

11. Adam Morrison's Ribbons

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    New team, new 'do, new disaster.

    After rotting on the Los Angeles bench and enjoying a brief stint in Turkey, former Gonzaga phenom Adam Morrison is back with the cut of a lifetime.

    He must've figured cutting his hair meant cutting his roster spot. Interesting thought.

10. Mohamed Zidan's Kindergarten Project

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    Whether he enjoys shrimp or soccer, Egyptian footballer Mohamed Zidan is clearly catering to his elementary side.

    What a lovely display. He seems ready for first grade.

9. Gervinho's Forehead Exposure

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    Now we're just splitting hairs.


8. Tom Brady's Bieber Fever

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    One can debate whether the Bieber cut or the UGG-ish smile takes the cake, but either way, Tom Brady is really starting to lose it.

    Look, ma. No eyes.

7. A.J. Burnett's Vibrant Disaster

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    Finally, the erratic, yet talented A.J. Burnett has the look to complement his inconsistent mound sessions.

    To every manager he's every pitched for, Burnett is simply Dennis the Menace. We've got the same expression on our face, A.J. Glad to know we're on the same page.

6. Jason Kidd's Blond Blowup

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    Now that he's tried the Chia Pet look, point guard Jason Kidd can comfortably embrace his survival through tough times.

    Shaq Daddy looked ready to end his life.

5. Aaron Rodgers' Pets Heads Are Falling off

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    In attempting to improve his scrambling prowess, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers attempted the aerodynamic Lloyd Christmas trim (Dumb & Dumber reference for those unaware). For opponents, however, his bowl-like 'do only diminishes his intimidating ability.

    So you're saying there's a chance...

4. Shaquille O'Neal's Copper Cut

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    In preparation for his siren-sounding role in Grown Ups 2, hardwood hipster Shaquille O'Neal naturally wanted to make an impression.

    But in attempting, a sheriff getup, several doughnuts and Reno 911 short-shorts could've better sufficed. Shaq taking the John Stockton route could've been historic.

3. Mark Davis' Trump Trim

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    The Albino-Gorilla look may work for defensive linemen, but not for the owner of the Raiders.

    Overpaying (as is Raiders' tradition) for a hair stylist seems the road worth traveling. Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.

2. John Clayton's Phone Home

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    There was a time when we were constantly satisfied with NFL writer John Clayton's brilliant football analysis. True.

    But on television, it's tough to take an anthropomorphic light bulb seriously. Especially when you're waiting for a vibrant pointer finger and extraterrestrial humming to flood the screen.

1. Tiger Woods' Patchy Progress

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    The world's most talented golfer seems ready to give up tiger-ing and approach leopard-ing.

    Let's call him Patches O'Houlihan.

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