Andrei Arshavin Holding Out for Alisher Usmanov-Promised Takeover at Arsenal

Reports out of Russia and England today indicate that Andrei Arshavin is holding out for a surprise takeover of Arsenal FC PLC by Alisher Usmanov, who presently is a minority shareholder.

Sources close to the story say that with the devalued British Pound, and Gazprom experiencing richer profits by supplying most of Europe with home heating fuel, Usmanov is making a pitch to Arsenal Board members to offload their shares. During such difficult financial times, the Board, largely made up of old men who must try to fund their old age pension, might find the price just too good to pass up.

Also embroiled in the story is an advertising deal seeing Usmanov's Gazprom paying exactly $0.01 US dollars for the naming rights to Arsenal Stadium, and also changing the club's kit sponsors to Gazprom. Due to naming rights issues in the UK, however, the company would have to go by the name GAZZZZZ.

Observers noted that Arshavin is currently in the Middle East, trying to detract those from the UAE that are involved in Arsenal, and who likely wish they too could own a club from Manchester, by making owl faces and shushing anyone who asks him a question.

Arsene Wenger was not available for comment and would not answer any questions about the story because he was focused on the next game and the difficult decision of whether to start Eboue on the wing, or leave him on the bench and ask one of his new singings (Fabregas, Rosicky, Walcott, Eduardo) to just stand on the pitch (or sit, whichever) in an effort to achieve a better pass-completion and disciplinary record.

Fans have been left on the sidelines throughout January's transfer window. Frustrated with the saga, and the apparent disregard for central defense and central midfield issues that should be addressed, many have turned to writing complete bollocks in order to keep their mind occupied on something other than the maddening antics of their beloved Gunners.

More on this and other loads of bollocks as people make things up as they go along.