NFL Offseason Report

Will Brett Favre be in New York next year?

My guess is Favre will never be seen in a Jets uniform again, unless Wrangler starts making Jets uniforms. I think Favre learned his lesson last year about making a retirement announcement too early, so we’ll probably have to wait for the official announcement sometime in early July.

When that announcement comes, there should be equal amounts of tears of sadness, and tears of joy.

But one can never underestimate the power of an off-season of feeding goats and growing soybeans on your ranch in Mississippi. Or an incredibly bad training camp by Kellen Clemens.

One or both of those scenarios could impact Favre’s decision to return for another disappointing season. Favre may feel that a return is necessary to take care of unfinished business, like leading New York to the Super Bowl, or giving Thomas Jones a country ass-whipping.

What about Pacman Jones? Is there a team willing to sign him?

If you’re asking about a “great fit” for Jones, he would look great in “Jump Suit Orange” or “Prison Issue Stripes.” I hear there’s an evil prison warden somewhere looking for some talent to give the “prisoners” a fighting chance against the “guards” team.

But seriously, there’s only one man capable of taming a degenerate of Jones’ caliber, and that’s Bill Belichick. Randy Moss went to New England with the reputation as a troublemaker (albeit nowhere near the level of Jones’), and he has remained virtually trouble-free, while producing big numbers.

The Patriots need some youth in the secondary, and Jones, as a punt returner, can sidestep defenders as well as he’s sidestepped felony charges. And, Belichick and Jones could regale each other with anecdotes from their meetings with commissioner Roger Goodell.

If his playing days are done, Jones could always join the ranks of former players who become NFL analysts with poor grammar and enunciation skills.

What’s the secret to the Cowboys advancing to the Super Bowl next year?

The secret: Lowered expectations. The Cowboys start every year thinking they’ll easily ride on their high horses into the Super Bowl, although they always end the year astride their steeds side-saddled.

Here’s the problem: Dallas can’t start a season without high expectations. They’ll be Super Bowl favorites every year as long as Jerry Jones keeps the roster loaded with players whose talent always exceeds their character and ability to play well with others.

What this team needs to reach those high expectations is a player or two who commands respect, and can keep fellow players focused on the team and not themselves. I believe there’s only one person who would be able to pull that off in the Cowboy locker room—and that’s Jesus Christ.

On that note, will Ray Lewis join new Jets head coach and former Ravens defensive coordinator Rex Ryan in New York next year? Or is Lewis headed to Dallas?

Although it would be strange to see Lewis in a uniform other than a Ravens, Lewis is exactly the type a fiery, take-no-junk teammate that most of the Cowboys need to reach their potential.

A Lewis arrival in Dallas would cause an unpleasantly awkward moment between he and Terrell Owens, but since when is an awkward moment in Dallas a big deal? There was the time Jessica Simpson and Jason Witten met and realized they were dating the same guy.

And, next year, there’s certain to be an awkward moment when Jerry Jones realizes even he can’t afford a seat in Dallas’ new stadium in Arlington.

In the end, though, I think Lewis stays in Baltimore, and eventually becomes mayor of the city in 2012.

So, are the Cowboys an early favorite in the NFC? What about the AFC favorite?

Yes, the ‘Boys are an early favorite, so they’ll be the NFC’s best team through 2009’s first five games. I think the Giants will make a return to the big game, assuming Plaxico Burress can get his ducks in a row, and doesn’t shoot them.

In the AFC, my pick is a team that went 11-5 in 2008 and didn’t make the playoffs—the New England Patriots. The Pats will have either Tom Brady or Matt Cassell at quarterback, so Randy Moss will have one of the two quarterbacks with whom he’s comfortable throwing to him.

Of course, Belichick and New England will have to find a replacement for offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels, now the head coach at Denver. But when has Belichick ever had a problem finding a fill-in for a key component of his team? I hear Troy Brown will be the Patriots new coordinator.

Will Raheem Morris, new head coach in Tampa Bay, get the Buccaneers back into the playoffs?

Morris’ predecessor, Jon Gruden, won the Super Bowl in his first year as head coach. Morris won’t enjoy the luxury of a great Tony Dungy-created defense falling into his lap, like Gruden, so a trip to the Super Bowl is out of the question.

But the playoffs are a possibility. Morris inherits a defense built by Monte Kiffin, and, with four years of service already in the Tampa organization, Morris has earned the respect of the players.

If Morris can get the defense to play like they did before the Bucs’ 0-4 finish last year, as well as make a few upgrades on offense, Tampa should again compete for a playoff spot, if not the division crown.

But what’s the best thing about Morris? Well, his first name is “Raheem,” which instantly gets credibility in the locker room and rap community, as well as free admission to the Wu Tang mansion, the whereabouts of which are believed to be in a cave somewhere in the Himalayan mountain range.

Heck, if your name is “Raheem,” you could tell everyone you’re named after one of the members of Grand Master Flash’s “Furious Five.” Most of all, though, you’re able to call your squad the “Raheem Team.”

Will Jake Delhomme be the starting quarterback in Carolina next year?

Carolina’s season ended with an apology, so, fittingly, it will begin with one: I’m sorry, Carolina fans, but Delhomme will be the starting quarterback in 2009. Seriously though, when Delhomme said “I’m sorry” to his teammates after his five-interception effort versus the Cardinals, I think it was less of an apology and more of an admission.

Never fear, Carolina fans. The man known as “Quarterback Viagra,” Vinnie Testeverde, is in shape and raring to go.

Can Adrian Peterson rectify the fumbling problems that plagued him in 2008?

Sure he can. Rumor has it that since the Vikings season ended on Jan. 4, Peterson has kept a football in his grasp at all times, which is easily the longest he’s ever gone without a fumble. He even sleeps with the ball, but I can’t for the life of me understand how that could possibly help.

I suspect we’ll see Peterson carry the ball higher and closer to his body next year, much like Tiki Barber did in curing his fumbling problem.

Who will be the No. 1 pick in April’s draft?

All indications point to the Lions taking Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford. Detroit scouts love Stafford’s arm strength and intelligence, and they’re equally as thrilled that he doesn’t play the piano.

It will be a great situation for Stafford in Detroit; Calvin Johnson, one of the league’s best wide receivers, is there, and Matt Millen is not.