Jets Offseason Drama: The Jerk, Fugly Girlfriend, Fantasy Girl & the Mistress

The New York Jets offseason has unfolded like a bad soap opera. (Wait, that’s redundant isn’t it? Oh well. Stay with me anyway.)

When it started, you essentially had three main characters involved: the jerk boyfriend who’s unable to commit (Rex Ryan), the fugly girlfriend who just wants a ring so she can settle down and finally feel secure (Mark Sanchez) and the smokin’ hot fantasy girl who recently got separated from her long-time husband (Peyton Manning).

The whole thing played out in dramatic fashion. The jerk boyfriend left the fugly girlfriend at home one night and ran off to confess his undying love for the smokin’ hot fantasy girl. He found her surrounded by other courters and elbowed his way through the crowd and presented his case. Knowing she could easily do better, she turned him down right there on the spot.

Defeated and embarrassed, the jerk boyfriend slinked home and climbed into bed. In the morning, he got down on one knee and proposed to his fugly girlfriend — finally committing to her. (At least for the next three years anyway.)

Overjoyed, the fugly girlfriend started to plan their future. Picturing how happy they’d be as they grew old together. The jerk boyfriend smiled and nodded, not wanting to upset her. But all the while he was looking for an out.

And yesterday, he found it. In the form of the unpredictable yet strangely attractive mistress (Tim Tebow).

The mistress appeared seemingly from out of nowhere. But from the moment he laid eyes on her, the jerk boyfriend was smitten. Not because he wanted to run away with her and leave the life he had, but more because it gave him options. He was no longer tied down to one woman. (Hey, there’s a reason he’s called the jerk.)

Of course the fugly girlfriend knows about the mistress; how could she not. Everyone in town knows about her. And even though it makes her look foolish and cheap, she tries as best she can to keep her chin up. To carry herself with dignity and grace.

But we’ve seen enough daytime dramas to know how this story will end. There are two possible outcomes.

In one scenario, the jerk, the fugly girlfriend and the mistress somhow find a way to peacefully coexist. It’s completely dysfunctional and twisted, but so are a lot of relationships these days. The jerk will spend all his time and energy trying to keep both happy. Trying to convince them both that they’re special in their own ways. And ultimately they’ll never be genuinely happy together.

Or there’s the more likely outcome. In this scenario, the fugly girlfriend is consumed with bitter jealousy and eventually gives in to her dark thoughts. She begins to plot a way to remove the mistress from the equation. Using violent force if necessary.

Meanwhile, the smokin’ hot fantasy girl who has been watching from a safe distance, wipes her over-sized—but beautiful—forehead. “Phew,” she says to her new lover (John Elway). “I really dodged a bullet on that one.”

Either way, it’s not a good situation. And it’s bound to get ugly fast. But boy oh boy is it going to make for some great entertainment in the season ahead.