Garth Crooks: Still a Penis

Dez WilliamsCorrespondent IFebruary 26, 2008

I waited several days before writing this article. I have had several email requests to write a follow-up to my original Crooks post, but I felt I needed to cool down slightly before I commented on something that has burned me right down to my very soul.

The issue at hand? Garth Crooks. I think I actually hate him. (That picture above of him looking like a smug twat is reason enough.)

Several months ago, I wrote a piece regarding Garth Crooks and his general ability to be an utter knob. He is constantly making ludicrous statements, pulling stupid faces when he tries to convey sincerity and commenting consistently on Arsenal's shortcomings.

Usually I can pass these off with a quick 'shut up you cock' comment, but those times have come to an end. On Saturday, following Eduardo's upsetting and horrendous injury, Mr. Crooks disgraced himself more than ever before.

You would imagine that, as a former professional (albeit an absolutely terrible, pathetic one) Crooks would feel some sympathy for a player whose leg has nearly fallen off. Perhaps he might even feel a smidgen of sadness for his manager, who was clearly shaken up by the events of the day and upset at the extent of the injury inflicted by a terrible tackle.

Well, maybe he would if he wasn't a ridiculous individual without feelings whose soul purpose it is to piss people off with his 'witty' punditry skills. Here are two of the comments that utter wanker made on BBC 1's Score on Saturday evening:

"I'm inclined to say that Arsene Wenger's words are more reckless than Martin Taylor's tackle."

We all know what Arsene said after the game. We all know that he retracted the comments. We also all know that he was deeply upset by a possible career-ending tackle by a rubbish player on a fantastic one. But, as per usual, Garth Crooks feels the need to not only insult Arsenal, but also the intelligence of everyone watching the show.

All the viewers were fully aware that Arsene made the comments in the heat of the moment and was devastated by the consequences of a studs up tackle that is made on Arsenal players frequently. His emotions were high. His comments were understandable.

They were so many other things Crooks could have said. For example:

"Totally understand Arsene's comments, but I think they are very harsh."

"I think the thing we need to focus on is Eduardo's injury, which is horrendous. Wenger made those comments in the heat of the moment."

"I'm a total bellend."

But he didn't. He always has to be controversial, always had to slag off Arsenal. The worse comment was the following:

"This was not a horrendous or reckless tackle."

I'm going to take a deep breathe before commenting on this....

OK. I'm going to attempt to remain as pragmatic as possible. I agree that the tackle was not 'horrendous', but how can one possibly say that a late challenge with studs raised, with intent to knock someone in the shins, is not 'reckless'? I simply cannot get my head round this. When I heard him say the words, it took me about five minutes to process the comments through my brain and come up with a response to say to the TV. In the end, they were simply 'you utter tosser'.

If the same thing had happened to his beloved Berbatov, would he have said the same thing? Of course not. He'd have done that annoying thing with his face that makes him look like a frog and commented on the 'dreadful piece of play'.

I would perhaps expect these comments from someone on Soccer Saturday on Sky Sports News, as they are paid to make controversial comments, but the BBC is not a tabloid channel. Why do we have to put up with this kind of shite?

When someone's career is hanging in the balance, the football world should pull together rather than make petulant little comments because someone does not like the football team concerned with the incident. It is infuriating that a pundit cannot retain just a slight bit of pragmatism even if the team concerned are the subject of one's hate.

In the words of Jackie Chiles, the comments of Crooks are 'outrageous, egregious, preposterous.'

So, to the final matter at hand: Is Garth Crooks a penis in disguise? Well, the investigation is ongoing. I think the best thing I can liken him to is the feeling you get when you have a horrendous hangover and go for a whizz. It burns your penis ever so slightly (or maybe that's just me). He is similar to that feeling. He manages to make me pull the same face as I do when I get the burning sensation: teeth clenched, eyes closed ever so slightly. Anger.

Conclusion: Garth Crooks is a 'Burn as you piss penis'. Is there anything worse than that? I doubt it.

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