Al Davis: Sex, Lies, and Videotape

This just in from ESPN News:

According to an official spokesperson for the NFL, Al Davis, legendary owner of the Oakland Raiders, has decided to sell the team to eccentric billionaire/ international man of mystery/ amateur-sportswriter, Richard Lane.

The spokesman said that recent allegations against Davis forced him to make the decision. The allegations against the current and long time owner of the silver and black involve a young woman who worked for Mr. Davis at his home in the Bay Area as a personal nurse.

Apparently, the unidentified 29-year-old RNA claims that Davis sexually harassed her for over three years. Davis' attorney claims that all the charges levied against his client are ridiculous and totally false, stating simply "Al? He's a hundred and eight"!

                                                         URGENT UPDATE

The charges against Davis have been changed from sexual harassment to solicitation of prostitution.

In a statement just released, the young woman involved, now identified as Maya Templeton of San Jose, actually incriminated herself as a willing participant in what could only be described as an act of prostitution.

The nurse said, and I quote, "For years, Mr. Davis has been trying to pay me to have sex with him. He just kept offering more and more money. Three days ago he offered me $20,000 dollars. I'm still paying off student loans and I needed that money, so I took him up on it," she said, "After we had finished, Mr. Davis looked up at me said, 'I'm sorry honey if I had known you were a virgin, I would have at least given you $50,000 dollars"!

When the young woman responded, "If I had known you could still get it up, I would have at least taken off my pantyhose." Mr. Davis, obviously offended by the remark, allegedly tore up the check he had written and told her to leave and that she was fired.  

Ms. Templeton finished by saying, "I want my money! That son of a bitch; now, I know how Mike Shanahan feels."

                      *NONE OF THE ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE TRUE*

             Please don't let me have it too hard! I am actually a die-hard Raider fan!

                              I love ya, Al—just having a little fun here.