IMPACT 1/26: Tables Match, No. 1 Contender Match, Against All Odds News (Humor)

If you tuned into SPIKE TV one minute before IMPACT, you just witnessed the most God-awful show on all of television. Jail. Ugh...

If you tuned in late to IMPACT, you missed out on some parts.

Before we start, I need to see everyone's ticket to Liam Neeson's The Grey. SPIKE promoted the hell out of that movie this week. Every commercial during IMPACT; The Grey.

Tickets are incredibly overpriced and the movie came out today! Rumor has it, if you wear an IMPACT t-shirt you get in for free! (That's a lie I made up)

Also, I am highly upset with all my readers out there. Yes, that means you. Why weren't you guys in the IMPACT LIVE Chat on EnigmaticWrestling.com? That site is where opinions matter, not news updates or ranking female wrestlers physical appearance on a scale of one to ten.

Last week, my review was a big hit! 1,298 reads! If this week's review doesn't get more than 1,000 I'm putting a permanent end to these IMPACT reviews.

(That's supposed to be my cliffhanger. Will this be the last from me?!)

Seriously though, tickets please.

FIGHT!

As I said, if you missed one minute of IMPACT, you might as well miss the full two hours. Shame on you.

We start off immediately with a backstage brawl between Jeff Hardy and Bully Ray. 

Hardy beats Bully all over the place. The fight spills out into the parking lot where Jeff has Bully by his collar up against and wall and repeatedly punches him in the face. Nice.

A big white truck pulls up and guess who? It's your World Champion! Who is now on Twitter by the way @REALBobbyRoode.

Roode takes a while to unbuckle his seat belt, he may be selfish but he does NOT want to get a ticket. Even the World Champ wears a seat belt. Remember, click it or ticket.

Roode jumps out of his car and attacks Hardy. Bully and Roode both beat on Hardy. Bully tells Roode to toss Hardy in the trunk of his car and there's a joke there, but you had to be in the EGW LIVE Chat. You missed out, again.

They toss Hardy in the back but "Cowboy" James Storm comes. Storm, Roode and Bully start to fight and, of course, the numbers game comes in. Storm starts to get a beating but Sting comes with his baseball bat and a nice denim jacket. Put that on ShopTNA, I'll get one.

Sting hits Roode with the bat and the heels run away. Sting wants them to comeback so he can practice his swing.

Did Roode leave the keys in his car?

Opening Video

When was the last time we've seen an opening video? Well, we got one this week! It shows all their crazy, fun moments and wrestlers.

They should start every show with that.

No. 1 Contenders

Tara vs. Velvet Sky vs. Mickie James

Ah, missed your opening promo? I didn't.

Tara still makes her entrance on that motorcycle. It's probably insured by Direct... Direct Auto saves "Olympic Gold Medalist" Kurt Angle $600 a year!

And before we're back to the match, we get a video of the latest holiday the Knockouts celebrated a bit too early. Here's the greatest Valentine's Day ad in all of television history. I dare you to find a better one.

Mickie is down and Tara takes Velvet for a ride with a spinning sidewalk slam on top of Mickie James! Velvet just squashed Mickie...

Tara gets the pin and wins!

Winner: No. 1 Contender, Tara

Damn! I did not expect to see Tara win this. Good for her, she deserves a good reign as champion. Tara will get Gail one-on-one (Give or take Madison Rayne) at Against All Odds.

Yes, Mickie James was pinned and she actually lost clean! 

After the match, and more Liam Neeson commercials, Tara is excited to be getting a title match.

One Baseball Bat to Rule them all

Sting, his denim jacket, James Storm and Jeff Hardy get to the ring.

Sting has Bully Ray and Bobby Roode come out, but as soon as they do, there's another brawl. Storm, Roode, Bully and Hardy break out into another fight.

Surprisingly, no security comes out. Did I say surprisingly? I meant thankfully. There's been no good security guards since Murphy, Rocco and Sal. You gotta be a long-time fan to get that one.

Storm eventually has Bully Ray boot-to-throat and issues a tag team tables match. The Stinger likes that; it's on!

Angelina Love's Attempt to seduce EY

Angelina and Winter found Eric Young backstage. They're trying to trick him or put some spell on him, as he said.

Angelina says she likes him, but then goes for another knee in the yambag. Repeat last week.

Angelina hits him but instantly holds her knee. EY pulls a cup out of his pants and taunts them with it by putting it on his face.

They leave because that was just weird and ODB shows up.

These four will be in a tag match later.

Alex Shelley vs. Zema Ion

Shelley and Ion work a nice back and forth X Division match. 

Taz thinks Shelley may have ring rust but he doesn't...none at all actually. Shelley picks up a win after hitting Sliced Bread #2. It's gotta be #2. 

Ion went for a 450 Splash, Shelley moved and followed with his Sliced Bread.

Zema Ion is zero for his last three 450 Splash attempts.

Winner: Alex Shelley

Shelley allowed Aries to pick his opponent and of all people he chose Ion? No offense to Zema, but there's better people out there.

With this win, Shelley gets his title match for Against All Odds. Also announced is Zema Ion vs. Jesse Sorensen in a No. 1 contenders match.

Two X Division matches on one pay-per-view?! That's something to get excited over.

Garett's Trainer is...

A video is shown from earlier today.

Eric Bischoff is at the gym looking for his son. He finds Garett and asks who his trainer is. Garett smiles and turns to his left.

Eric gets mad and tells the cameraman to leave. We never saw who Garett's trainer is, brother!

A video package is shown promoting the most wonderful time of the year: Lockdown!

Winter and Angelina vs. Eric Young and ODB

Yes, this is your typical Eric Young comedy match. It is what Divas matches are to the WWE; a break from the good stuff.

EY screws around with everything and everyone. Eventually, EY and ODB do an airplane spin to Winter and Angelina at the same time and I think EY got the pin.

Winners: Eric Young & ODB

That match was too long and definitely not needed. Eric Young needs to be dropped on his head...so he can turn heel, again, of course!

Trust Issues?

Bobby Roode is freaking out about the tables match, Against All Odds and everything else he can think of.

Bully Ray tells him to calm down. Bully teases taking the title from him then says they should both go now.

Neither guy wants to walk away first because they're scared of each other. They go at the same time.

Who gets a World title shot at Against All Odds?! I'm dying to know! Please, make a four-way!

Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan

These two work a decent match with Morgan winning following a distraction from the outside. 

After Morgan wins, Magnus attacks Crimson (Both were ringside the whole time, hence a distraction). Magnus tosses Crimson into the steps then Morgan gets double teamed by Joe and Magnus.

Magnus and Samoa Joe lay out the champions for, what? The third, no, fourth week?! I love it! 

Winner: Matt Morgan

These two teams will meet at Against All Odds with the titles on the line. Let's hope Joe and Magnus can lay out the champs when it matters most.

What's with Kaz?

AJ Styles comes to the ring and says everyone is changing. Daniels changed, Bobby Roode changed and now Kazarian is too.

He wants to find out why Kazarian turned his back on him.

Daniels and Kazarian come out. 

AJ gives Kazarian an offer. He turns his back towards him and tells him to take his head off if he's definitely turning to the dark side as Daniels' lackey.

Daniels yells for Kazarian to clothesline AJ's head off, but Kazarian doesn't do it.

Daniels runs towards AJ, but AJ blocks the punch and kicks Daniels in the head. Yes, even in jeans and a leather jacket AJ can kick you in the head.

Daniels is mad and AJ wants to shake hands with Kazarian. Daniels yells at Kaz and says he wants a match at Against All Odds. AJ Styles vs. ...Kazarian!

Tables Match

Jeff Hardy & James Storm vs. Bully Ray & Bobby Roode

The fighting from the top of the show (and the middle of it) definitely spills over into the main event.

All four guys continue to beat the hell out of each other. It's awesome.

Roode leans a table up against the turnbuckle and throws Hardy towards it. Hardy stops before the table and charges back toward Roode with a clothesline.

Bully comes in and knocks Hardy down. He waits for Jeff to get up, right in front of the table too, and goes for a big boot. Hardy moves and Bully's foot goes through the table. Nice kick.

Fighting continues and a new table is brought into the ring.

Roode stops Storm on the top rope and sets up a super plex. Hardy pulls him down and hits a Twist of Fate then places him on the table. Storm jumps and puts his former partner through the table.

Winners: James Storm and Jeff Hardy

Bully Ray comes in with a chair and beats down Storm and Hardy.

Bully gets another table and pulls Hardy towards the corner. Roode kicks Storm out of the ring and we're setting up a big Bully Bomb through the table!

Bully Ray power bombs the hell out of Jeff Hardy. Roode celebrates with his title and trainers come to check on, what looks like, an injured Jeff Hardy.

Overall, this episode of IMPACT was awesome.

Pro:

• Show starts with a brawl between four top guys in IMPACT. Sting comes along with the old bat and clears things up. This is how a brawl should go. Not some guy getting beaten for 10 minutes only to 'break his back.'
• Knockouts No. 1 Contender match. Good match and the outcome was unexpected. Tara? Tara wins?! Good. She can work well with Gail. Mickie has been overused in 2011, Velvet does deserve another shot, but I'd prefer Tara out of all three.
• Fighting continues. This was good build towards the main event and hopefully a four-way match at Against All Odds with the World title on the line.
• Shelley/Ion. Good TV match, but it could've been longer. Good to see Shelley win.
• Joe and Magnus standing over the champs again! God, I hope they win the titles at Against All Odds.
• Main event. Good action by all four and the heels might have lost, but stand tall in the end. I liked every part of this main event.

Con

• Garett's trainer angle. I think it's obvious who his trainer is, brother. If it's who I think it is (I'd love to be wrong by the way, brother) that's completely stupid. This near 60-year-old who has had tons of back surgeries teaching a young guy how to wrestle? Yeah, okay...
• Anything involving Angelina Love, Winter, Eric Young and ODB. This thing is a waste of time!! C'mon! Give the time to someone else! Last I checked, there's a TV Champion that's not getting TV time!