IMPACT 1/19: Cage Match, Shelley Returns, No. 1 Contenders Match (Humor)

Hey, how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice! Let's get started.

Good to see Hulkamania is thrilled with my reviews.

A Storm is Brewing

"Cowboy" James Storm comes out. 

Storm starts talking about winning his number one contender's match last week against Kurt Angle. He wants his title shot against Roode.

Jeff Hardy comes out and says that he was screwed at Genesis and on IMPACT last week. Storm one-ups him and says he was screwed out off his World title reign.

Storm says that with all this screwing going on, Bobby Roode must have a lot of child support to pay.

Both guys want a title match. 

World Heavyweight Champion and leader of the 'Selfish Generation,' Bobby Roode comes out.

He tells Storm that he won his number one contender's match, sure. He was going to face the winner of Roode/Hardy, but since that match didn't have a clear-cut winner (*cough cough Roode cough*), Storm's number one contender spot is null and void.

Roode also tells Hardy that he gave him another chance, Hardy failed. Sorry guys, Roode is still champ and has no challengers.

This brings out "The Insane General Manager" Sting. Sting kind of agrees, so he books Hardy vs Storm in a number one contender match.

Angelina's Challenge

Angelina Love is backstage and is mad about the airplane spin by Eric Young last week. 

Angelina wants to fight Eric...in a match.

Gunner w/ Ric Flair vs AJ Styles

At first, I was excited for Gunner "The Butcher." He earned that nickname because he's trimming the fat in TNA. He started with Garett, wrote Jesse Neal off TV, Williams was in the wrong place at the wrong time and he's even put an end to RVD. I hope he doesn't cut AJ out in this match...

Gunner and AJ work a decent back and forth match. AJ looks like he's ready to finish Gunner off but Daniels comes shoving Kazarian down the ramp.

Daniels tells Kaz that he knows what to do. Kazarian jumps onto the apron and clotheslines AJ. Gunner gets up and drops AJ with a DDT for the win.

Winner: Gunner

Gunner and "The Nature Boy" start prepping the area for the butchery, but AJ shoves Gunner and slowly, very slowly, escapes through the crowd.

Bully Needs a Favor

Or as he says, "fav-uh." It's cool, he's from Hell's Kitchen.

Sting is angry about Bully Ray's involvement in last weeks main event World title match. Bully asks Sting for his fav-uh. Bully wants a World title match.

He hasn't lost once since becoming a singles wrestler, which is the biggest lie since Mr. Anderson's title reign(s). Sting shoots that idea down. He says he's the boss, Bully is the employee. 

Bottom line, Sting pretty much owns Bully Ray.

Magnus vs. Crimson

It's been a while since Crimson worked a singles match and Mike Tenay reminds everyone that he is still undefeated. I forgot about his undefeated streak and I'm wearing his t-shirt.

Magnus takes it to Crimson early on and is dominating. Crimson gets into the corner and Magnus taunts the crowd.

He charges in, Crimson pulls Red Sky out of nowhere.

Winner: Crimson

This match was upsettingly short.

Post-match, Samoa Joe attacks Crimson from behind. Joe and Magnus stomp Crimson out until Matt Morgan shows up. Morgan fights them off for about a minute before he gets a beat down too.

Magnus and Joe stand over the champ with their titles, once again.

Cheap Plug of the Night

Eric Young is in the parking lot for the cheap plug of the night! Last week we saw Crimson and Morgan give the "CPotN" to Direct Auto, now EY gives it to Bellator.

The Bellator guy, Bjorn someone, was seen with Dixie Carter in the crowd last week and also joined Tenay and Taz on commentary once.

Bellator Champion, Eddie Alvarez, was also seen hanging out in the wonderful world of IMPACT not too long ago.

EY mistakes the caterer for a Bellator fighter. EY says he doesn't fight women because he's a good southern boy...southern Canadian boy? I guess so.

ODB wants EY to do a number on Angelina in their match and maybe ODB will do a number on EY's ass! Whoa...

Steel Cage

Mickie James vs Madison Rayne

Oh, Mickie James. I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the fifty states. Thank you, Jason Sudeikis, for your quotes.

This is just like the match that should've happened on April 17, 2011 in Cincinnati. Lockdown, anybody? C'mon, I'm not the only mark here.

This match is damn-sure better than their match at Lockdown. These two gave us the daily dose of good Knockouts action.

I'm not sure about how long it went on, but the big 'E could've put 10 to 15 Divas match in this slot.

Mickie slams Madison into the cage twice, then follows with a DDT. Very much like the end of Lockdown 2011.

Winner: Mickie James

Good match.

Backstage, Mickie is with Tara and Velvet. They all want to take the title off Gail, but only one can. Solution: number one contender's three-way next week! Yes!

 The 'A Double' Division is in Trouble

A video package is shown about the X Division Champion, Austin Aries. It shows how dominant and unstoppable Aries has been as champion.

He comes out to the ring and says he's the greatest man that ever lived. He's beaten everyone the X Division has to offer.

The Motor City Machine Guns theme hits. Out comes Alex Shelley!

Yes!

Shelley flashes back to when Aries did defeat him, but he had to hit him with a low blow. Shelley wanted to return with Sabin, but couldn't take Aries anymore. He asked Sabin if he could go for him and Sabin said "sure."

Shelley wants the title. Aries tells him to earn it. Get a couple of wins and prove himself. Shelley tells Aries to pick his opponent and when he beats him, he gets a title match.

Agreed.

ODB's Angle

Remember when she had her own talk show during iMPACT? Yeah, impact with a lowercase "i"—that's how long ago it was.

ODB wants to see EY rip Angelina Love apart.

Winter attacks and they brawl.

Angelina Love w/ Winter vs. Eric Young w/ ODB

Eric Young runs around the ring and locks up with the fans and the referee a couple of times. He never goes after Angelina for any reason.

After messing around outside the ring, he runs back in and Angelina welcomes him to Yambag City (Thanks, Taz). Angelina gives EY a power nut-shot and EY caught some serious air following the low blow.

Match is thrown out

Winter and Angelina beat on EY afterward until ODB makes the save. Winter and Angelina run off.

EY gets up and he and ODB stare at each other and then make-out. Yup, he scored.

Number One Contender

James Storm vs. Jeff Hardy

Storm and Hardy work a pretty good match. They go back and forth until Hardy hits a Twist of Fate on Storm.

When Hardy goes for a pin, Bully Ray comes from nowhere and knocks out the referee. He uses his chain to whip Storm and Hardy a ton of times. Earl Hebner comes running out to try and restore order or something, but Bully knocks him out.

He continues with the whipping until Sting, the GM, shows up with a baseball bat. Sting hits Bully with it and chases him out of the IMPACT Zone.

Storm starts to get up but Bobby Roode nails him with the title. Hardy gets up and gets a face-full of gold too.

Bobby grabs a mic and says this match is over. He announces himself still champion, smiles, his music hits, show is over.

Pros

• Opening segment. Storm and Roode are good on the mic. Hardy was alright, but we all want the Roode/Storm feud.
• Gunner vs. AJ. The match was alright, the thing between AJ, Kaz and Daniels continues to build and Gunner still looks strong with a win over AJ. I'm also happy Gunner didn't cut AJ out. #Butchery!
• Joe and Magnus standing over Morgan and Crimson. C'mon! I want these guys to win the titles! Good to see them standing over the champions....again!
• Cage match: Mickie vs. Madison. Good Knockouts action.
• Aries/Shelley promo. Finally, the X Division feud everyone is waiting for! Good mic work by both guys. Should be a good match and a great feud.
• Heels still look strong! Before Genesis and after Genesis, the heels have stood tall over the faces as the lasting image on IMPACT.

Cons

• Magnus vs. Crimson. Match was too short for two future stars in IMPACT. Two good, young talents in such a short match.
• EY and ODB. This angle is getting a lot of TV time. Why? EY is a comedy-wrestler and ODB, Angelina and Winter should be going for the Knockouts title.
• Still no number one contender. I'm betting on a three-way between Hardy, Storm and Roode at Against All Odds, but I want either Storm vs. Roode or a four-way with Bully Ray. We need a challenger!

I liked this episode of IMPACT. Things are heating up and I'm looking forward to next week!