Sean Avery's Top Five Moments of 2009

Hold your keyboards, editors!

I’m not going to be reviewing the top five Sean Avery moments of the 2008 year.

I’m going to be predicting the top five Sean Avery moments of 2009.

Everyone gets to “predict” 2009, and what will happen.

Will the Leafs make the playoffs?

Will Gary Bettman be assassinated?

Will Leafs This Week air this Saturday?

Yes it will. From now on, it airs every Saturday at 12:30 EST (noon-ish). Today it will air at 3:00pm EST—sorry for the inconvenience.

Just a quick note: I don’t want any comments like “But the Stars won’t play the Capitals this season,” or “Isn’t Avery like not gonna play a game anymore?”

People, we all have a great power. The power of imagination, so use it!

Now, to begin:

5. Friendly Giant Goes Jackie Chan

Let’s face it, Marty’s had a pretty tough season.

He missed most of the season due to injury, and by the time he gets back, he’ll have the task of getting the Devils into the playoffs at hand.  The Devils are in a pretty nice place right now, but things could change with the snap of a finger.

Sometime in 2009

Sean Avery: Hey Marty, remember me?

Martin Brodeur: Sean, please just get out of the way.

Sean Avery: Slap Ma Fro!

Martin Brodeur: English please?

Sean Avery: Slap my afro!

Martin Brodeur: But you don’t have an afro…

Sean Avery: We’ll see about that! [cross checks Brodeur into the net, walks away laughing]

Martin Brodeur: Okay, buddy, enough’s enough. [goes up behind Avery]

Sean Avery: Whaa? [gets knocked down to the ice]

Martin Brodeur: [punches Avery continuously]

We all saw this coming. Let’s face it, guys—Brodeur’s going to lose it sooner or later. After being out for a while and coming back, he doesn’t need Avery to roll out the red carpet—but in this case, it seems Sean is the carpet.

There have been various incidents between Avery and Brodeur. Marty has to lose it sooner or later. Just like all those NHL commercials say—is this the year?

4. Cross-Checkers-From-Behind Anonymous didn’t work

This one’s going to be a rather interesting one. We all saw Ryan Hollweg at the beginning of the season with his spine-breaking massacre. Could he do it again?

They were former teammates, both pests—will they go at it with each other? Knowing Avery, he takes no exceptions.

I can just see it. It’ll be during two back-to-back games. In the first game, the tension will begin to build up between Sean and Ryan. It’ll start with Avery doing a hit on Blake or Williams, then Hollweg deciding it’s time to take out the trash.

By the end of the game, there’s tension between both teams, and there are clearly some emotions being exchanged between Avery and Hollweg. The Leafs were defeated 8-0 by whichever team decided to take in Sean Avery after the Brodeur incident. Yup, the Leafs are pissed.

Surprisingly, Sean Avery makes no controversial comments in a post-game interview with a Leafs This Week reporter.

Things are red hot in the second game. Ryan Hollweg’s pissed, and Avery’s happy about the win. You know what they say—opposites attract!

During the first period, some words are exchanged:

Sean Avery: Ey, cold leg, how’s your leg doing?

Ryan Hollweg: Is that the best you got?

Sean Avery: You wanna find out?

Ryan Hollweg: Bring it!

Sean Avery: No thanks, I’m straight.

[Avery gets off the ice.]

The first period is pretty tight, both teams have a pair of goals each, and the tension is really beginning to build up. Avery’s being [insert rude noun here] and Ryan Hollweg still doesn’t get the “cold leg” joke.

Oh yeah, Hollweg’s pissed too. Enough waiting around, here comes the action!

Ryan Hollweg: [hits Avery.]

Sean Avery: Keep your hands to yourself, I have a girlfriend.

Ryan Hollweg: Didn’t Phaneuf steal her?

Sean Avery: It’s okay Ryan, you’ll get a chance with Dion sooner or later. [walks away laughing]

Ryan Hollweg: [cross checks Sean Avery from behind.]

Sean Avery: [flies head first into the boards.]

You all pretty much know how it goes from there. It used to be one of Ryan Hollweg’s “naughty habits,” and I don’t even think he was mad when he used to do them. But now—sure sucks to be Avery eh?

3. Never Mess With the Bull

Who’s one guy in the NHL that doesn’t necessarily have to be mad to beat the living ham out of someone? Well, other than Avery—he’s the victim in this one.

Keep thinking—who might be “The Bull”? Well, in order to make this interesting, let’s make it the best player in the NHL. Don’t get excited, Crosby fans—I said "Bull," not 'Momma’s Boy."

Yup, I’m talking about Ovechkin:

Sean Avery: [hits Ovechkin.]

Alexander Ovechkin: [hits Avery.]

Five minutes later...

Leafs This Week announcer: Ovechkin shoots, scores!!

Alexander Ovechkin: [celebrates by climbing the glass.]

One period later...

Leafs This Week announcer: Sean Avery on a breakaway…SCORES!

Sean Avery: I can be Russian too! [begins rubbing himself against the glass.]

The Ovechkin celebration is something we all love to see, is it not? Alex Ovechkin plays with so much passion and heart, he enjoys scoring and just enjoys the sport for what it is.

Can you imagine Sean Avery making a mockery of one of his celebrations?

There’s no rule against it, but if Avery is in an Avery mood, and a little mad at Ovechkin for his hit in the first period—even though he started it!—I can really see this happening.

I’ll finish up the story…

Alexander Ovechkin: [goes Tod Bertuzzi on Sean Avery.]

Sean Avery: [unconscious.]

Not a very good ending—but let’s face it, if he did do this in real life, he deserves it. You just do not mock a respected player like Ovechkin and with the way he mocked him.  He should’ve seen it coming.

2. Sean Avery Vs. Mats Sundin

Don’t worry, Sean Avery fans (Mr. and Mrs. Avery)—Sean doesn’t get hurt in this one. You see, being the guy he is, he doesn’t learn from his mistakes.

In this little story, Sean Avery comes face to face with the Big Swede. He doesn’t provoke this directly, but he’s pretty much asking for it.

Sean Avery: [smashes Kyle Wellwood.]

Well, that smash causes a crowd to gather around. Alex Burrows goes right after Avery, but ends up getting a two-minute minor for roughing. The hit on Wellwood was clean though, so Vancouver has to penalty kill.

Yup, that means Mats Sundin comes in. The two forward penalty killers are Mats Sundin and Kyle Wellwood—former Toronto linemates, and now Vancouver linemates. 40 seconds into the penalty, Avery hits Wellwood—dirty this time—but there’s no ref to see it. Mats Sundin goes right after Avery.

Mats Sundin does go after players that have pushed around his teammates. He might not fight them, but he will go after them.

Mats Sundin: [pushes Avery.]

Sean Avery: Wow, now I’m scared. What are you gonna do? Sell me breakfast for a dollar?

Following that statement by Avery, Mats Sundin grabs Avery by his jersey, and winds up with the other. Is he going to punch?

Avery isn’t very big compared to Mats Sundin. As a matter of fact, I’m taller, if not the same height as Sean Avery!

Mats has Sean right where he wants him. Avery can’t even reach to hit Sundin while Sundin holds him.

A couple of seconds, and Mats Sundin is thinking: Will I get a minor for this? A major? A suspension? Everyone hates Avery, maybe I won’t get anything.

Sundin finally decides he’s going to punch. But he starts thinking again. What time of punch? Various small punches to teach him his lesson? One big one to knock him down?

While Mats is trying to find the best punch to teach Avery a lesson, Sean decides to do something. He throws himself at Mats, and gives Mats a big one in the chest. Mats slips and falls.

The bigger you are, the bigger the fall. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Sean Avery falls on top.

Mats Sundin is out for the season with a spinal injury

Mike Gillis is fired as General Manager of the Vancouver Canucks.

1. World of Avery

Not a good year for many people. You’ll all be happy to know that this one does not actually injure anyone or get anyone fired. Even though it was Mike Gillis’ own fault for acquiring Sundin, but let’s not get into that.                                        

Sean Avery does mischief in—the World of Warcraft!

Before I loose all my readers, hear me out on this. Sean Avery is home, probably in a wheelchair. With his luck, he’s on the top floor. So he’s stuck on the top floor of his house, and he can’t get down, and his only source of entertainment is the computer.

I know there are lots of things people can do on a computer other than play an MMORPG, but Avery’s computer is probably on the FBI’s watch list by now.

Anyways, in this incident, Sean Avery is up to no good, once again. Even though it’s on an online world, watch how it comes to life to the real world.

PS slopchops12 is Sean Avery:

Dragonslayer82: Yo Slops, want to come with me and get the siege of Ogrimmar? It’ll increase our hitpoints by a 3.6 percent and allow you to wield the holy avenger which allows you to do D4 damage.

Slopchops12: Go away nerd!

Dragonslayer82: Wow, you are suck a…such a… Sean Avery. I’m so happy he’s gone. He made my job so stressful.

Slopchops12: Being a geek isn’t a job pal

Dragonslayer82: I’ll have you know that I am the NHL commissioner, I just play this game to get away from life

Slopchops12: As if you have life

Dragonslayer82: I don’t like your attitude

Slopchops12: I don’t like you hair…oh wait, you don’t have any!

Dragonslayer82: I will report you to a moderator.

Slopchops12: Slap ma fro!

If you’re still reading this, I thank you.

Anyways, Sean and Gary have a long discussion. Bettman tries to say something and Sean interrupts with a witty comment. Finally, Bettman finds out that slopchops12 is Sean...

What happens from there? We’ll have to wait and see!