1. Pro Cyclist Cites Bloomin' Onion for Poor Race Performance (humor)

    With claims of stomach virus rising to unprecedented levels as an excuse regarding rider race performance (or lack thereof), there are some who still take responsibility for their actions...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 4 years ago 320 reads 0 comments

  2. Unknown Rider Wins Presitgious Bike Race, Tests Positive For Spinach (Satire)

    “Everybody just went ‘Whoah…who the hell is that?’ when he shot out of the bunch,” explains Kjel Schokked of the Columbia-Highroad squad. “Immediately the speculation began...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 4 years ago 190 reads 1 comments

  3. Study: Wearing Cycling Shoes in Cafés Linked To Posture Disorder (satire)

    In a recent study concluded by the Cycling-Related Ailment Panel (CRAP), researchers found evidence pairing frequent stops at coffee shops to increased incidence of acute posture disorder among the ranks of road cyclists...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 4 years ago 268 reads 0 comments

  4. Sleep-Deprived Feed Zone Worker Hands Rider Musette of Biohazard Waste

    Yort Fergnid, a third-year pro with Klerd Throopmor (Danish manufacturer of industrial insulation spackle) was finding this running of the Werg Plloopfrap challenging enough before being accidentally ...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about almost 5 years ago 163 reads 0 comments

  5. Dead and Irrelevant Brands Turn to Pro Cycling for Revival (Satire)

    It seems that long-forgotten brands are seeking to return to former glory by employing their sponsorship of pro cycling teams for promotion...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about 5 years ago 317 reads 1 comments

  6. Armstrong Wins 44th Tour de France on Eve of 100th Birthday (Satire)

    EURO DISNEY, FRANCE, July 29, 2071 – Lance Armstrong wrapped up the overall title today in the 2071 Tour de France, and increased his record of Tour trophies to forty four...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 433 reads 0 comments

  7. Contador Arrested for Series of Attacks on Quiet French Village (Satire)

    Amid Alberto Contador’s bid for the 2009 Tour de France title, French authorities arrested the Spaniard at the conclusion of Friday’s stage for the “unconscionable disregard ...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 620 reads 1 comments

  8. Phil Liggett Exhausts World's Supply of Cycling Analogies (Satire)

    After nearly four decades as the preeminent voice of professional cycling, Phil Liggett recently used up the last cycling analogy available.Experts had warned Liggett in recent years that cycling performance analogy resources were running dangerously low.

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 2,523 reads 2 comments

  9. Visiting Americans “Totally Blank” on What to Write on Giro Course (Satire)

    Visiting American cycling fans Tony Marzavas and Mark Horton were recently frustrated as they tried to think of something clever to write on the Giro d'Italia course...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 216 reads 1 comments

  10. Drunk Belgians Argue: Who Was Better? Thorju Yosteen or Justeen Thoryos?

    Alcohol-fueled tensions were running high among Belgian cycling fans Saturday night at Le Fluurgen Klopp, a popular pub in the working class suburb of Assebroek* outside the industrial city of Faargenkold...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 114 reads 0 comments

  11. Directeur Sportif Can Yell “Go! Go! Go!” in Seventeen Languages

    “I can also shout ‘you’re worthless!’ and ‘you’re not getting paid this month!’” proudly proclaims Stein Van der Plorken, Directeur Sportif for the Danish continental squad, Hoonvurp KD...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 128 reads 0 comments

  12. Tour de France Caravan Mishap Causes Massive Tchotchke Spill (satire)

    The Tour de France was marred by an accident today among the parade of vehicles that prelude the racers.The carnage began when a giant tea kettle failed to note the slowing weird balloon car it was following and plowed into the rear of the ‘vehicle.

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 560 reads 2 comments

  13. 'Popemobile' Commissioned for Tour de France Commissaire (satire)

    In an effort to view Tour de France proceedings better and more comfortably, chief race commissaire, Philippe Dufault, has ordered the delivery of a purpose-built vehicle from which to oversee the event...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 197 reads 0 comments

  14. Bob Roll Fractures Fingers, Wrist Explaining Sprint (Satire)

    In his trademark gesticulations, Bob Roll injured his hands recently, as he described the sprint capping off the recent Tour of Flanders...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 452 reads 1 comments

  15. Cycling's Sages: Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut*

    Armstrong, Hincapie, Leipheimer, Voigt, McEwen. Just a few of cycling’s elder statesmen that are still mixing it up and dishing it out in what is supposed to be the twilight of their careers...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 241 reads 1 comments

  16. Cat 4 Racer Snubs Cat 5 “Losers”

    Jonathan Knopff has held a USCF racing license since the early-nineties, and since then, “He’s raced the bare minimum to maintain his Cat 4 status,” complains Toby Mercer...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 722 reads 0 comments

  17. Rider Gives In—Tattoos Chainring Mark On Right Calf

    Martin Chenowyth has been a member of the Slocum Valley Wheelmen for nine years, and in that time, “I can’t count how many times I’ve come back from a ride with a friggin’ chainring mark on my leg...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 1,880 reads 1 comments

  18. Annoying 'Jack Rabbit' Rider Found Beaten with Own Frame Pump

    “Everyone knows that on Sundays, we ride mellow, but there’s no stopping Nesmith,” says Terry Volmer of the Gelatto Velo club in Spokane, Wash. “That jackass...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about over 5 years ago 262 reads 0 comments

  19. Rider Favors Italian Amateur Squad Kit He Picked Up On Vacation

    Eric Fernandez returned recently from a family vacation to Italy and was soon spotted favoring a random Italian amateur squad’s kit he purchased at a shop in Lucca. He quickly alienated several of his local club’s loyal members...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about almost 6 years ago 333 reads 0 comments

  20. Rider Swears Aloud After Flatting

    Several members of the Norfolk, VA-based Velo Bluto club were exposed to a string of profanity delivered by one of their own veteran members on last Saturday’s club ride...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about almost 6 years ago 237 reads 1 comments

  21. Tyler Farrar: Man or Myth?

    The cycling world is a-buzz, or perhaps more accurately in this age, a-“Twitter” with the promise foretold by Tyler Farrar’s surprising win in the third stage of Tirreno-Adriatico last week...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about almost 6 years ago 422 reads 4 comments

  22. Why You Need At Least Ten Bicycles, and The Types of Bikes They Should Be

    After much deliberation, I have determined that everyone should have at least 10 bicycles. To truly appreciate these two-wheeled marvels and the liberating experience they bring, you need more than one...

    Le Lanterne Rouge Written by Le Lanterne Rouge about almost 6 years ago 1,381 reads 12 comments