November 7, 2008
November 4, 2008
November 1, 2008
October 29, 2008
Matt Matterson was born at a very young age, but had to wait until he was eight to represent Great Britain at tiddlywinks, thus fulfilling a lifetime's ambition.
The rock'n'roll lifestyle of an international tiddlywinkist led Matterson to break down on the eve of his twelfth birthday and check himself into rehab, reportedly suffering from a crippling wine gum addiction. At the height of his addiciton it is alleged that Matterson was getting through six of them big boxes you get down the cash and carry a day.
Matterson's problems with sweets dogged him throughout his teenage years and he was forced to give up the game he loved so much at the age of sixteen on the advice of his dentist. By this point Matterson had established himself as the most talented tiddlywinkist of his generation and the British Tiddlywinks association regrettably accepted his decision to retire, acknowledging that he needed to "save himself from a sugary hell".
Having finally manged to kick the habit after retreating to a remote log cabin in Sweden for two years (a country where no sweeties are allowed), Matt Matterson decided to give away the majority of his Tiddlywink fortune in one massive act of philanthropy whereby he stood atop a phone booth on Tottenham Court Road and dispersed £50 notes onto confused yet delighted passers by. Matterson later revealed in a remarkably frank interview with renowned intellectual Timmy Mallett that he had given his money away because he sought a fresh start in life.
In the same interview, he also gave stark details of his darkest confectionary-addicted days: "In the early days I was able to keep on top of the sweets. A few wine gums were fine, I could handle it. But then I started to take it too far, I moved onto the really hard treats, you know, like fruit salads and jelly beans. Before I knew where I was, I'd be waking up on the morning of a competition in my hotel room with toffee stuck in my teeth, a chocolate raisin up my nose and lemon sherberts in my hair. People watching on TV never knew there was anything wrong, but for example on the day of the 1999 Eastbourne Open I was so high on flying saucers I thought I was a Spanish Labrador. I was a mess and I couldn't carry on that way."
After Matterson's rehabilitaion, he began looking for a new channel for his undoubted natural talent and enthusiasm. After failing in an audacious bid to run for Mayor of Aldershot, Matterson finally turned his attention to amatuer sports journalism.
Keep up your great coverage Matt!
I'm looking to help grow the Newcastle community first, so I'm going to be leaning on you for help.
I was wondering if you would write an article on one of the following subjects:
1. Your recent 2-0 defeat over Aston Villa, and the renewed optimism shown by the home crowd
2. First back-to-back wins for Newcastle since April
3. Michael Owen's return
4. Obafemi Martins goal scoring abilities
I would greatly appreciate your participation in this. I look forward to reading your stuff! Let me know if you have any questions.
That is one outstanding bio you have there, Mr. Matterson.