I find talking about oneself in this context a lot like mounting a mirror above your bed and watching yourself have sex with a blow-up doll. If you glued a mirror to the blow-up doll's ass, could you reflect infinitely on your shame?

That being said, I watch sports like I imagine men on mushrooms in wheelchairs watch the Cirque du Soleil or like the guy in Thompkins Park who had his headphones plugged into the deuce I watched him drop into that rusty Skeletor/He-Man Masters of the Universe lunch box. I'm pretty sure he thought he was listening to Kanye West.

My dream MMA match-ups are Fedor vs. Tyra Banks, Silva vs. Rush Limbaugh or "Rampage" Jackson vs. Nancy Grace.

As I believe most athletes today are overpaid nancy-boys who don't really give a crap whether they win or lose, I firmly believe that athletes should have to wager the most important parts of their lives on big games. When athletes lose a big game, their children, wives and possessions should be divvied up between the winning teams and their cities to divide as they see fit. Of course, I may just feel this way because I'm a Suns fan who hates Mel Gibson and recently watched "Apocalypto" on Nyquil and NoDoz.

I think the most important question to ask is "why?" and I think the most important time to ask is always. I also believe if you disagree with me you should be ready to present a logical argument. I'll respond as politely and cogently as possible unless you are a Raiders fan...in which case I may be laughing too hard to type.