Cardinal Contributor (Scribe)
Joined about 1 month ago
- 6 articles written
- 11 comments posted
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Buckeyes Fan in Happy ...
2 articles
Brett Lissenden
35 articles
Cardinal's Bio
Fan of all sports. Favorite teams: Patriots, Celtics, Red Sox, Bruins
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- Brett Lissenden commented on Manny Ramirez Heads West
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Bulletin Board (3) Post a note »
about 1 month ago
Howdy, tried leaving an editors note and I have a feeling my thoughts were too long, just wanted to leave some helpful advice on your manny piece:
Good read, very enjoyable. The question about why manny dons the dodger blue and jason bay is now with the red sox, that wasn't the question, the question was why did manny wear out his welcome. I tried to keep your voice as best I could but redo that section. You also have a tendency to place an "and" one point too soon in a sentence. Like if you're making 3 points, you say point 1 and point 2 then point 3, it comes off awkward. I have a little more room now, so I can really explain, you state "Manny was a detriment and the management didnt like him due to his bad hitting. Thats kind of a run on sentence or those should be reworded. Take some time to look at the editing sections on the site about prose and keeping things short and concise (as I ramble on). Also, I was a little lost at the point of "It is unfathomable to trade a player of his caliber and chalk the deal up to getting more value in return." I changed the wording a bit (again, I know, I'm sorry), but I think I left the intent alone. I think you need to try to get to the point a little better there overall in that paragraph though on whether you are talking about numbers or a player's marketability to an organization, because I felt a little lost and the article wanders a bit there. Also, when you're not sure of affect/effect, here is a handy tip, use the word impact. I do it all the time when I don't feel like stressing out over it. My mom was an english teacher and I have been traumatized by this stuff am im not 100% sure, but I think it should be affect, so I changed it. Feel free to change back anything you'd like or rearrange what you want. Hope you enjoy. Peace and Love
about 1 month ago
thanks for the vote
about 1 month ago
get some articles posted bro!