Matthew Grassi

Matthew Grassi

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About

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

Short List

  • Favorite Athletes

    LeBron James, Terrelle Pryor, Daniel "Boom" Herron, Antoine Winfield, Aaron Rodgers, Michael Vick, Mo Williams, Evan Turner, John Wall, Prince Fielder, Chase Utley, Ian Kinsler, Ben Roethlisberger, Charles Woodson, Santonio Holmes, Michael Jenkins, Chris Gamble, Troy Smith, Zach Collaros, Isiah Pead, Dion Lewis, DeVier Posey, Brandon Phillips, Carlos Santana, Curtis Granderson, Jon Lester, Josh Hamilton, Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps, Didier Drogba, Diego Forlan,

  • Favorite Sports Teams

    Ohio State Buckeyes, Cleveland State Vikings, Cleveland Indians, Cleveland Cavaliers, Penn State, Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Pirates, Cincinatti Bearcats

  • Favorite Coaches

    Jim Tressel>THAD MATTA>PETE CARROLL>JIM MORA>MARVIN LEWIS>BRIAN KELLY>

  • All-Time Sports Moment

    2003 Ohio State National Championship victory over U of Miami in the Fiesta Bowl

  • Most Memorable Game Attended

    Ohio State vs. Penn State 2007

  • Most Unbreakable Sports Record

    Joe DiMaggio 56 game hit streak

  • Ruth or Mays?

    DiMaggio

  • Unitas or Montana?

    Vick

  • Jordan or Russell?

    Magic

  • Gretzky or Orr?

    Sid The Kid

  • Pele or Maradona?

    Maradona

  • Federer or Sampras?

    Agassi

  • Tiger or Nicklaus?

    Tiger

  • Petty or Earnhardt?

    Tony Stewart

  • Schumacher or Senna?

    Danica

  • ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big Ten, Pac-12 or SEC?

    Big 10

Bulletin Board

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  • Cam Maillet posted 1031 days ago

    Cam Maillet

    Thanks for the pointers Matt, even if you are a Pens fan...

  • Bob Warja posted 1031 days ago

    Bob Warja

    Matt, I don't do "allegedly" because I have a strong opinion and I refuse to back down from it. Right or wrong. I labeled the piece "opinion" so I don't feel the need to compromise myself that way. Plus, it's not as if I'm libeling the guy by saying he's a child molester or something. Saying he has a huge ego is pretty well known dude. Also, I hate the term "Cubbies" so if you added that no thanks. But I do appreciate your work my friend.

  • Ros Dumlao posted 1038 days ago

    Ros Dumlao

    Appreciate the edit and feedback. It really helped!