Goon Squad

Goon Squad

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About

I am a mysterious figure, often seen building walls out of crushed ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for cuban refugees, I write award-winning novels, I manage time efficiently.
I can tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike hockey skills, I can pilot skateboards up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Minute Rice in twenty seconds.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a spoon and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the amazon basin from a horde of hyper intelligent aardvarks.
I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Blackhawks, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
In my spare time, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesday evenings I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
My save percentage is 99.7.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
I have a Masters Degree in Theoretical Physics.
I can hurl grains of salt at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read The Anarchists Cook Book, The Holy Bible, and Websters Dictionary in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the grocery store.
I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I dangle, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends I participate in full-contact chess.
I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have performed open-heart surgery, I have explored the hidden glaciers of the Amazon and I have spoken with Nostradamus...

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  • Bleacher Report posted 1654 days ago

    Bleacher Report

    Make it three.

    Am I scary talented, ...or what?

  • Bleacher Report posted 1702 days ago

    Bleacher Report

    http://bleacherreport.com/articles/307777-famous-lineups-series-part-1-obama-and-the-emperors