1. Fantasy Football Draft Day: Where Fantasy Ends and Reality Begins

    After months of nervous anticipation and careful planning, it has finally arrived. Draft day! The day that has become one of the greatest joys of your life, rivaled only by "Sports Illustrated's ...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 927 reads 25 comments

  2. Fantasy Football: Channeling Your Inner Expert

    You're stupid. At least, that's what all of the other fantasy-football experts tell me. You see, whenever we fantasy-football experts get together, one of the main topics we enjoy discussing is your complete incompetence when it comes to fantasy football

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 617 reads 29 comments

  3. Man Comes Out of Five-Month Coma, Thinks Sports Illustrated Is Practical Joke

    A coma, the doctor said. Five months of my life gone, she said. Wow. I guess it really wasn't such a good idea to drink 32 cocktails of Heineken mixed with bacon grease and vomit, after all...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 925 reads 12 comments

  4. LaDainian Tomlinson and One Owner's Man Crush: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

    You hear violins, and a timpani of joyous bells. It is a beautiful song, one that wafts over the half chewed remnants of hot wings and pizza crusts and echoes off of the wood veneer ...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 657 reads 8 comments

  5. Detroit Lions: Matt Millen Trades Entire Roster for Big Mac and Fries

    In a move guaranteed to have NFL fans talking for several minutes, the Detroit Lions today traded their entire roster for a Big Mac extra value meal...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 806 reads 10 comments

  6. NFL Career Suicide Prevention Hot-Line: How Can I Help You?

    *Ring* "You've reached the NFL Career Suicide Prevention Hot-line. My name is Tim. May I get your name?" "Okay. That's great. So tell me, Jeremy...What's happening that made you feel like you wanted to talk to me today?" "Uh huh...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 520 reads 7 comments

  7. NBA Commissioner David Stern: Please Leave a Message at the Beep

    *RING----RING----RING----RING* Hello. You have reached the offices of the commissioner of the National Basketball Association, David Stern...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 122 reads 9 comments

  8. Bleacher Report Goes Down, Workplace Production Increases Forty Percent

    Earlier today, the world's best open resource for sports discussion and information experienced server problems, causing the website known as "The Bleacher Report" to be inaccessible to many users...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 397 reads 13 comments

  9. White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen Surprised to Discover He Is Kind of a Jerk

    While filling out his lineup card and listening to the local news on television, Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had an epiphany that promises to rock the entire Chicago sports community, and indeed the world...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 704 reads 10 comments

  10. 2008 Summer Olympics Called on Account of Communism

    If you were one of the millions of people planning to attend the 2008 Olympics in Beijing this summer, it might be a good idea to make alternate plans...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 921 reads 16 comments

  11. Your Bleacher Report Sports Horoscope

    Aries (Mar 21 -Apr 19) Concentration becomes difficult today. You may find your mind wandering. Don't be surprised if you are watching an NBA Finals game and begin to wonder which of the three officials has the most money on the series...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 1,398 reads 5 comments

  12. NBA To Fine Players For Flopping; Cleveland Cavalier Anderson Varejao Retires

    Just twenty minutes after the National Basketball Association announced that it would begin fining players for flopping, Cleveland Cavaliers forward Anderson Varejao announced his retirement...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 1,022 reads 2 comments

  13. ESPN Accidentally Puts Miami Heat 3rd On Its WNBA Power Rankings

    ESPN, the self-proclaimed "world-wide leader in sports" has evidently damaged its reputation today by accidentally placing the Miami Heat third on its list of the best WNBA teams...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 743 reads 9 comments

  14. Five Simple Reasons the Cleveland Browns Should Trade Derek Anderson

    It's never easy saying goodbye. Cleveland Browns fans are still upset about the firing of Paul Brown. They cry over the trade of Paul Warfield. Some hold a grudge toward Bill Belichick for his ignominious release of Bernie Kosar...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 2,714 reads 28 comments

  15. Bud Selig Overthrown in Bloody Coup; Indians Lose Close One

    On a day when Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was held at gunpoint and beaten with the butt of a gun in his Park Avenue offices, the Cleveland Indians lost another nail-biter in extra innings to the struggling Texas Rangers...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 484 reads 1 comments

  16. Cincinnati Bengals Replace Scouting Dept. With Sports Illustrated Subscription

    Fans of the Cincinnati Bengals cheered in the streets today after the team announced it would finally eliminate its Player Personnel Department, and replace it with a subscription to Sports Illustrated Magazine...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 1,060 reads 3 comments

  17. Brett Favre Retires: "Just Kidding!"

    Showing the playful spirit that made him both a star and a fan favorite in Green Bay for so many years, Brett Favre called a press conference today to reveal that his so-called "retirement" from ...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 1,454 reads 4 comments

  18. Critics to LeBron: "You're No Superduperstar"

    Just one day after enduring the wall-shaking screams and jeers of Celtic fans during his team's Game 7 playoff loss to Boston, Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James must now deal with a less familiar sound...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 433 reads 6 comments

  19. Derek Jeter Denies Using "Magic Golden Prophylactic" In Attempt To Hit For Cycle

    In a stunning revelation, the Mexican Trade Magazine El Spearfishing, Tauromaquia y Béisbol has published an article by columnist Ramon Rodriguez which claims that New York Yankees shortstop ...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 1,024 reads 1 comments

  20. Al Davis Mistakenly Detained by Homeland Security

    In a startling case of mistaken identity, the home of Al Davis, founder and owner of the National Football League's Oakland Raiders, was searched early this morning, and the soon-to-be octogenarian ...

    Jim Cantrell Written by Jim Cantrell about over 6 years ago 741 reads 4 comments