Jim Cantrell Article Archive

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Brownie Points: Browns' Special Teams Might Be Very Special This Season

The Cleveland Browns are heading in the right direction. In their third preseason game, the Browns beat the Tennessee Titans 23-17 on a night in Cleveland Browns Stadium that was windier than the restrooms in a Chipotle restaurant...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 3 months ago 335 reads 8 comments
Brownie Points: What It Means to Be a Cleveland Brown

We are Cleveland Browns fans. We have missed family reunions and cut vacations short just to watch our team play on Sunday afternoons. We have suffered through the snarky comments of co-workers and the condescension of wagon-jumping fans of every stripe

Written by Jim Cantrell about 3 months ago 291 reads 14 comments
Fantasy Football Is Killing My Grass

It's true. Everywhere I look, I see FANTASY FOOTBALL magazines and FANTASY FOOTBALL newspapers and FANTASY FOOTBALL websites and FANTASY FOOTBALL hula lessons and FANTASY FOOTBALL hamster food and FANTASY FOOTBALL full-figured under-wire support...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 3 months ago 62 reads 9 comments
NFL to Institute "Random Suspension Policy" to Save Time (Satire)

In light of the record number of suspensions handed out by the National Football League’s Commissioner’s office this offseason, Roger Goodell has announced that the NFL will begin randomly suspending its players in an effort to save time...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 3 months ago 159 reads 8 comments
NFL Hall Of Fame Game to Exclude Actual Hall-Of-Famers...Again (Satire)

Where, I ask, is the outrage? For more years than this reporter is willing to count (let's say six) the "Nefarious Football League" has celebrated the unofficial opening of its season by hosting what it misleadingly calls the "Hall of Fame" game...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 3 months ago 347 reads 7 comments
Rock Announces Retirement; Paper, Scissors Stunned

The way the world chooses who goes first in games of H-O-R-S-E, who takes out the garbage, and who is in charge of the remote control, just got a little more complicated today...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 141 reads 16 comments
Coach Eric Mangini Believes Browns Have A Chance To Be Mediocre (Satire)

The bar has been raised and the gauntlet has been thrown. Speaking at a log-rolling and pancake-eating festival in Northern Ohio earlier this week, Cleveland Browns head coach Eric Mangini let ...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 847 reads 9 comments
Baltimore Raven Ray Lewis Concerned No One Is Feeling Him (Satire)

Only a few short weeks before the Baltimore Ravens open their training camp for the 2009 season, All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis has gone on record as saying he has serious doubts that anyone on the team is feeling him...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 1,065 reads 5 comments
Dallas QB Tony Romo Calls Giant RB Brandon Jacobs A Poopyhead (Satire)

Just days after New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs told an interviewer that Tony Romo was "not that good" and that "he's not that effective," the Cowboy signal caller retaliated by referring ...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 1,039 reads 20 comments
Brett Favre Vs. Tarvaris Jackson: Do the Math (Satire)

The Minnesota Vikings have been in talks with Brett Favre, former Green Bay Packers and New York Jets quarterback, to take over the reigns of their offense...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 1,542 reads 17 comments
Cleveland Indians Baseball: "Your Slogan Here"

The Cleveland Indians, a team that entered this season with high hopes and lofty expectations, now at the All-Star Break find themselves the laughing stock of the entire league...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 186 reads 10 comments
Fantasy Football: Dude, Your Kicker Sucks

Well, I hope you're happy, Frank. Taking a kicker in the last round... What are you, lobotomized? I mean, did you really think you were gonna get a Hartley or an Elam in round 15? Yeah, and I'm Tom Brady's butt chin...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 107 reads 9 comments
Female Cleveland Indians Fans to Tribe Brass: Sizemore Matters (Satire)

This article is rated PG-13 by the author for minor innuendo and major stupidity. In the midst of another daunting baseball season, the Cleveland Indians find themselves in a familiar place this July...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 4 months ago 243 reads 4 comments
Fantasy Football: Good Advice You Should Ignore

In every field, in every walk of life, there will always be someone who claims to know more about a subject than you do. We call these people "butt-holes...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 5 months ago 220 reads 6 comments
Tennessee Titan LenDale White Begins New Diet, Gains Seventeen Pounds (Satire)

Still smarting from a critical fumble in a playoff loss last January, and hoping to be seen as more than just a short-yardage runner, Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White began a self-imposed ...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 5 months ago 522 reads 6 comments
Shaquille O'Neal Announces He Will Only Play Half the Court in '09-'10 (Satire)

In a nod to former coach Phil Jackson, new Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal has announced that he will be pulling back a little from the game he loves so much in order to spend more time with friends and family...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 5 months ago 728 reads 3 comments
Cleveland Indians Are Concerned Mascot, Slider, Is Not Really Trying

Cleveland Indians mascot Slider has done a lot for his favorite team over the years. He's boogied to the radio hits of the day on the roof of the team's bullpen while wearing crutches. He's sent foil-wrapped hot-dogs from slingshots into the stands...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 5 months ago 317 reads 2 comments
Mark Sanchez Selects "Reese's Pieces" from Jets' Vending Machine

Today, in the presence of several awestruck New York Jets coaches and teammates, future Hall of Famer Mark Sanchez gave an impressive demonstration of his decisiveness and incredible hand-eye ...

Written by Jim Cantrell about 5 months ago 608 reads 8 comments
For What It's Worth...There Are Too Many Cry Babies in the NFL

Chris Samuels will not be getting a Christmas card from the New York Giants this year. The Washington Redskins' offensive lineman was accused of dirty play by Mathias Kiwanuka, a defensive end for the current Super Bowl Champions...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 476 reads 25 comments
Sports Lists I Would Most Like to Read on Bleacher Report

Lately, the Bleacher Report has seen articles breaking out lists of funny quotes, strange names of athletes, and the oddest Olympic sports. Like most folks, I enjoy reading them and agreeing or disagreeing with their rankings...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 325 reads 9 comments
He Kexin, Olympic Gymnast: What's in a Name?

Hey, Bud! Oh hi, Lou. How's things? Fine, fine. Say, Bud... Yes? You're a fan of the Summer Olympics, right? Oh, yes. Wonderful. Spectacular.....

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 1,532 reads 7 comments
Fantasy Football Headlines from the Upcoming 2008 NFL Season

What if you could see into the future? How much of an advantage would it be for a fantasy-football owner to know the major stories in the NFL before they ever happened? Wouldn't you like to find out? Well, today you can...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 763 reads 20 comments
Are NFL Preseason Ticket Prices Too Low?

Yeah. So, welcome to my article. I know why you're here. You want to know if the humor guy has finally slipped a nail file past the brain warden. NFL preseason ticket prices...too low? Um, right...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 1,019 reads 22 comments
Brett Favre's Jersey Number Is Retired From Entire Universe by God

In what can only be described as an event of epic proportions, the creator of the universe has taken a definitive position on the Brett Favre debate by completely eliminating from existence the ...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 1,068 reads 16 comments
Fantasy Football: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Rounder?

I'm forever blowing bubbles. I'm not talking about those soapy spheres so popular at backyard parties or in low budget music videos (which I realize for some of you are basically the same thing)...

Written by Jim Cantrell about about 1 year ago 472 reads 4 comments

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Jim Cantrell Article Archive

Brownie Points: Browns' Special Teams Might Be Very Special This Season

Brownie Points: What It Means to Be a Cleveland Brown

Fantasy Football Is Killing My Grass

NFL to Institute "Random Suspension Policy" to Save Time (Satire)

NFL Hall Of Fame Game to Exclude Actual Hall-Of-Famers...Again (Satire)

Rock Announces Retirement; Paper, Scissors Stunned

Coach Eric Mangini Believes Browns Have A Chance To Be Mediocre (Satire)

Baltimore Raven Ray Lewis Concerned No One Is Feeling Him (Satire)

Dallas QB Tony Romo Calls Giant RB Brandon Jacobs A Poopyhead (Satire)

Brett Favre Vs. Tarvaris Jackson: Do the Math (Satire)

Cleveland Indians Baseball: "Your Slogan Here"

Fantasy Football: Dude, Your Kicker Sucks

Female Cleveland Indians Fans to Tribe Brass: Sizemore Matters (Satire)

Fantasy Football: Good Advice You Should Ignore

Tennessee Titan LenDale White Begins New Diet, Gains Seventeen Pounds (Satire)

Shaquille O'Neal Announces He Will Only Play Half the Court in '09-'10 (Satire)

Cleveland Indians Are Concerned Mascot, Slider, Is Not Really Trying

Mark Sanchez Selects "Reese's Pieces" from Jets' Vending Machine

For What It's Worth...There Are Too Many Cry Babies in the NFL

Sports Lists I Would Most Like to Read on Bleacher Report

He Kexin, Olympic Gymnast: What's in a Name?

Fantasy Football Headlines from the Upcoming 2008 NFL Season

Are NFL Preseason Ticket Prices Too Low?

Brett Favre's Jersey Number Is Retired From Entire Universe by God

Fantasy Football: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Rounder?

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