Favorite Athletes

Charles Barkley. No one is close enough to Charles to even be called a "runner-up." Here is an illustration of why I admire Charles so deeply.

Favorite Sports Teams

The Las Vegas G------ Animals and A Cruddy Alky for a Manager. These are my two primary fantasy teams.

Favorite Coaches

Phil Jackson

All-Time Sports Moment

I remember being eleven when the 1985 Bears beat the Rams to go to the Super Bowl. I was at the game with my father, and I particularly remember the fans going berserk with joy when it began to snow. I remember on the way out looking around and thinking, "Remember this. You want to remember this." I can still see the scoreboard in my head, with ads for beer and cigarettes, and the old-style lightbulb screen reading "SUPER BOWL XX".

Most Memorable Game Attended

If not the above? Hm. I am a nut for minor league baseball. I find it charmingly unpolished, like Little League on a grand scale. Caught a Portland Sea Dogs game in 2001 in which the pitcher for the Sea Dogs was incomparably dominant. He was just destroying the opposing batters; it was like watching an overcompetitive father pitching to his kids. The pitcher: Josh Beckett. His age: 21.

Most Unbreakable Sports Record

This question has a correct answer,and that answer is "Cy Young's 511 Major League wins."

Ruth or Mays?

Ruth. (But Greg Maddux was the most fun to watch.)

Unitas or Montana?

Montana. Four Super Bowls, eleven touchdown passes, zero interceptions. (But in a vacuum I think John Elway was the greatest of all time.)

Jordan or Russell?

Jordan. No question. Jordan's deranged competitiveness tips that.

Gretzky or Orr?

I don't -- brace yourselves -- care about hockey. If I am to name an exemplary Canadian athlete it will be Steve Nash or Bret "The Hitman" Hart.

Pele or Maradona?

David Beckham, in the hopes that I can look at his wife while he plays.

Federer or Sampras?

Andre Agassi. Wow, was his book amazing.

Tiger or Nicklaus?

Nicklaus is the better player but I would rather hang with Tiger.

Petty or Earnhardt?

I have little feel for auto racing but as nicknames go "The Intimidator" is outstanding.

Schumacher or Senna?

I admit defeat. I don't know who Senna is, and I will admit ignorance of this branch of racing rather than Google and pretend expertise.

ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big Ten, Pac-12 or SEC?

I think the players should be paid, the coaches should be ashamed, and the NCAA should be disbanded.